More than Skin Deep
by banryuu
Summary: Not every story has a happy ending. For Hitomi Kanzaki things never quite turned out like she hoped. Now years after her return home the thin line between nightmares and reality blur once more. Please read and Review.
1. Old Wounds

**Hello again friends! I'll keep it pretty short up top since most of the notes are at the bottom. This story has no connection to any of my other works. I do not own characters or situations belonging to licensed works. A small warning that there are darker themes of mental trauma and possible mental illnesses. I do not claim to be an expert on these subjects and remind any readers that nothing written is intended to be offensive or lessen the severity of those that suffer from like aliments. This is a work of fiction meant only to explore the themes of personal growth and healing.**

 **Now that I've totally turned everyone off…**

 **A very special thank you to Meghanna Starsong for editing and supporting this story. Words can never express how grateful I am for your help and friendship.**

 **More than Skin Deep**

 **Chapter One - Old Wounds**

I wake up screaming yet again. The pain fresh is all consuming. A clear sky that rains blood, uncontrollable fires consuming everything in its path, solid ground that shatters like thin glass. Memories twisted into nightmares. Sweat beads on my skin making the soft cotton of my pajamas stick damp and uncomfortable.

I should be used to it by now. Years have passed, but the old wounds stay fresh and painful. It wasn't always like this. I returned home optimistic and whole, or so I had thought. The war ended, Van and I shared one last hug before he followed through on his oath to send me safely home. We had been wrong, though. I was already home.

My family, relieved by my return, asked questions but quickly tired of my answers. They couldn't believe in things and a world they would never see. I immediately learned some things are best kept to myself. On the other hand, bottling up the darkest of my memories began to eat away at me from the inside out like corrosive acid.

Most days I can pretend to be normal. That's all it is though, playing pretend like a child wearing her mother's clothes. Cute but nothing fits right. It seems the pendant was a double-edged sword after all.

On one side, it strengthened my powers unexpectedly. I saw some truly horrible things, but I could also use that prior knowledge to warn of danger and throw myself into the mix changing the outcome. It didn't always work out how I had hoped, but sometimes my visions were the difference between a quick death and saving a valuable life. Some days all that mattered was that I could make a difference, but the more I saw, the harder it was to stay optimistic.

I didn't learn of the other cutting edge to the pendant and its powers, or to say my powers, until it was too late. It seems the power was in me all along. Wearing the pendant wouldn't effect most people the way it did me. Van surely didn't start getting visions and telling fortunes just by wearing the necklace. So, that being said, not wearing the Atlantian stone didn't get rid of my powers. If anything, they got worse. That double edge happened to be that the pendant had been focusing the powers I hadn't known how to control. Without its help, I have no way to channel or sort through the visions.

Most of the time I can't even be sure of what I'm seeing. Did it already happen? Where was it? Did it happen on Gaia or here on Earth? The majority of the time I'll see bits of the past mixed inconsistently with the present or future, like a badly edited movie trailer.

That's what the latest "dream" was. One part war and death, one part modern-day earth event, and somehow the last part was what grocery store was having a sale on eggs. The only thing that would do me any good these days is the extra sale. Living alone can be pretty expensive.

It's not that I don't love my family even though they can't relate to me anymore. It's that I realized I had become a burden to them. Even the friends I swore I would always have grew apart and moved on. Somedays I am almost convinced to go back to the last place I felt like myself. To the only people that understand what I went through because they were there with me. Then I remember the way I am right now would only cause him pain.

On the surface, I can almost pass as a functioning person, but it wouldn't fool him for a moment. There are far more important things for him to worry about than my mental health. I've never hurt myself, but aside from that, I can't make any promises.

A loud knock sounds on my door, and I glance at the brightly glowing numbers on my clock. **3:45AM**. God, I hope I didn't wake the neighbors up again.

Tossing the twisted sheets aside, I peel myself out of the worn futon in my one-room, tatami mat covered apartment. Tossing a robe over my damp night clothes, I open the door a crack.

"You okay in there, Hitomi?" The voice is muffled, but I sigh in relief. It's the woman from upstairs who works at a bakery. She's nice from what little I know about her, but is always leaving for work at this time. If she is the visitor, I think the rest of the building has missed my most recent late night bout, a sadly common occurrence.

"Yeah, sorry." I hope my voice comes out steady though I know the cheerfulness is as fake as my plastic smile. "I swear I won't watch horror movies so late anymore."

Her eyebrow raises quizzically, and I know it didn't fool her for a moment. "You watch a lot of late night movies these days."

"It passes the time." I smile again and pray she feels as awkward as I do and leaves.

"I prefer reading." She smiles back. "You should get some sleep while you can. If not, the shop opens at 6. You should stop by before the morning rush."

"Maybe some other time. I really should be getting to bed." I'm sure she knows I'll never stop by. I never do. Honestly, I don't even know her full name, although I've been told several times. I don't want to connect with her or any of these people. They may be nice, but that is all the more reason to not pull them into my twisted life.

"Okay, I got to go." She waves slightly before turning to continue with her busy day, where the odd neighbor who screams in the night won't even cross her mind.

I shut the door, check the locks, and start water boiling. I won't get any sleep at this rate, but I guess I've become numb to it all. A cup of tea can't change anything. I just like to pretend that it helps. As I take the first scalding sip, I glance at the clock absently. 3:45 blinks at me again. Okay, that's odd. We must have had a power surge or something that messed with the clocks, because the numbers hadn't changed since that first knock on the door.

Sighing, I shake my head. Yet another thing not quite right. 3:44. What? 3:43. Are the numbers moving backwards? 3:42. 3:41. 3:40. I watch mesmerized as the glowing forms begin to speed up. 3:35. 3:30. 3:25. 3:15. 3:00. Faster and faster. The bright glow nearly hurts to watch as it flashes past. Then, just as suddenly the number stop. **12:00**. Midnight.

What had just happened? Why? At that time, I was still caught between memories and visions. What would going back change? I hadn't actually moved from the small, chipped second hand table and rapidly cooling cup of tea.

An image shimmers in front of me. Suddenly, it all makes sense. At midnight, the veil between the worlds is supposedly thinner. If my visitor is of the spirit variety, which I'm sure they are, then that show was more for their benefit than mine.

Long blue and gold silk dress and even longer deep green hair materializes. Instantly, I am caught between wondering why Varie Fanel has come to lecture me about this time, and curiosity as to what could have drawn her to me. My connection to her son was closed years ago, by me.

The moment the long dead queen truly sees me her familiar eyes widen. Good to know spirits can express shock, too. I know what has unsettled her. Whatever the reason for her sudden visit, she expected to see the cheerful, athletic, naïve girl from before. Honestly, most people can't get over the changes. Unnaturally thin and unhealthy pallor, I look more like a ghost than the dead woman in the room. Hair grown long and uneven, I normally tie it back during the day but sleep messed and uncombed. I must look like a wild animal. The dark shadows under my tired, green eyes can't be helping the matter.

"What happened to the sweet girl that thought she could save the world?" Her voice is low and melodious just as I remember it, almost sad.

"I don't know," I respond, my tone bitter. "If you see her, remind her she owes me money."

Her expressive eyes study me, and I almost look away. I won't back down. I'm not ashamed of what I have become, and I don't want pity from anyone, even an apparition. The clock seems to be stuck at midnight, so whatever she has come here for isn't the witty banter.

"I see now why we needed to come." Her elegant hands fold together, once more composed.

"We?" I question, glancing around for other ghostly visitors, but see none.

"Each night for the next three days, ghosts that are connected to you, Hitomi Kanzaki, will show you the past, present, and future of your current existence." Why now? What could possibly change by yet more visions? What could possibly be accomplished by this inane trip down memory lane? Since when did the horror story that is my life morph into the Christmas Carol?

"Spare me the details, and please get to the point." I wave absently. I know I'm being rude to the first true guest I've had in over a year, but honestly, what am I supposed to do? Cower in fear? Be grateful?

"I am here as a representative of the past." She states and I can't say I am surprised.

"I don't _need_ you for that," I state sourly. "I see enough of the past without any help, and I don't **want** to see anymore." The latest nightmare still fresh in my tormented mind.

"It is because you are too stubborn that you can't see past the pain." Her voice has taken the hard edge that commands obedience; the queen is finally here. "The world can be a horrible place, and you have been far too long in the darkness. You've forgotten the beauty, kindness, and compassion that touched those of the people drawn to you. Hitomi, this is not your destiny. I am here to show you all the things you have forgotten."

With those last words, the apartment disappears and instead I sit on stone temple steps watching as a boy fights a dragon. A short haired girl shouts moments before the deadly tail can strike spearing the boy through. He barely dodges, losing his armor by keeping his life.

I turn away not wanting to see anymore. "I don't need to see this," I state stubbornly. "I remember what happens next."

"You have lived it, yes, but have you seen it from the outside looking in?" She asks and it gives me pause. I turn my attention back to the teens and see that the dragon now is gone. The boy holds the heartstone in relief as the girl runs up to him. Automatically, the awe he held a moment before turns to arrogance. She smacks him and starts sobbing. He is shocked by the pure emotion she shows.

It took me a long time to realize that the haughty attitude was a shield used to hide his insecurities. It was all there written clearly on his face from the very beginning. Trained and tutored, the prince was raised in constant companionship from those that always expected something from him. This was his first experience with someone that demanded nothing but gave so openly.

Who was this girl, and where has she gone? I live in self-imposed isolation, giving nothing and expecting even less.

The pattern emerged on our trip through my memories. The Draconian queen showed one event after the other. The pain, fear, failure, and loss were still there, but instead of being focal, I was instead guided to the reactions of those around me. The boy started showing more for the girl then she ever noticed, blinded by innocent infatuation. When she tackled him on an Asturian bridge saving him once again, the shock and awe unguarded, as it had been when he looked at the energist for the first time. That must have been when his feelings first began to evolve. Even he was unaware.

The first time he revealed his curse to save her, and instead of the disgust he expected, she instantly accepted all of him. When her heart stopped, how frantic he was to save her as she always seemed to rescue him. How did she ever miss the tender way he held her as they flew to save the murderous spy who could clear their names? Even when they failed, his silent vow to protect her was clearly written on his earnest face.

When the fighting and death began to consume him, the girl was there wishing for him to stop. Stop trying to save her and the world at the risk of himself. Stop punishing himself for the terrible things he couldn't have prevented alone.

The closer they grew, the harder he fought. She was so distracted that she never saw it. His clumsy attempts to cheer her up and express his still confused feelings.

I didn't need a spirit guide to show me the pained look when he witnessed the knight kissing the girl. I imagine that would be his expression if he could see me now. That is why I built a wall between us. I couldn't stand for him to witness the constant pain I endure. I knew I could never hide anything from him, so I pushed him away just like everyone else.

It wasn't just the boy who was affected by the girl, even though they spent the most time and energy together. I had missed so much by being the center of this vortex of emotion, action, reaction, and consequences. Even when I forced myself back home to end things, the wheel of fate continued to turn. I know that my indecision and confusion twisted those close to me, and that is what I fear will happen all over again if I were to return.

When the girl realized her feelings for the boy, she had to accept all of him and that included the blood on his hands. War changes people, but deep down he would always be the boy who had been surprised to have succeeded where others had failed. Could the same be said for the girl? Could she ever regain her innocence and optimism? For a time, it seemed that love had also given her wings, but distance and darkness ate away at her like fire through dry kindling, quickly leaving only ash behind.

I hadn't even realized I was crying until the tears splattered on the table next to my forgotten tea. My departed guest was no longer insight, but her voice floated through my mind like feathers drifting with the wind.

"Remember the strength that hope requires lives within you."

Brushing the tears away my eyes caught sight of the clock. **12:01**.

Time had resumed, but I knew that within my strange world that it was no dream. Suddenly tired, I stretched back out on the futon, pulled the blankets over me, and was asleep before the clock glowed 12:02.

For the first time in a long time, no visions or nightmares plagued me. Instead, I dreamt of flying. Free yet protected within the circle of his strong arms. I was soothed and surrounded by the crisp spring breeze of his scent. He never spoke a word, but I could feel the comfort and compassion he shared freely with me. This wasn't a memory. It wasn't the boy who knew fighting better then talking. I know it was the man he had become. Van, I've missed him so much.

A weight shifts ever so slightly from my mind knowing that if I had never done anything else with my life, saving him would always tip the balance.

I wake fully rested and optimistic for the first time in a very long time.

I don't know who the other two spirits are or what they plan to show me, but for once I am not afraid.

 **To be continued…**

 **AN- Well I hope you liked it. I normally like the Hitomi in my continuations to be more like she was at the end of the series. Maturing, and generally at peace with her role in the events. On the other hand it is a common theme for her to have mental trauma or internal scars from the terrible things she witnessed. And rightly so, but I don't normally go that path. This story is less about action and more about learning how to heal. As you'll notice many of the people Hitomi interacts with won't have full descriptions, which is because she has removed herself so far from others that the details don't matter. My cameo is the baker of course though I have a RP character that never got used show up later. If ya'll remember I was terrible at RPing but fell in love with the two characters I created. Remember they are not me, so I didn't fill this story with nothing but myself as side characters… Meghanna Starsong shows up in chapter three.**

 **I have bits of the next two chapters written and this story is circling almost constantly in my mind so it should be quick to update. Also the chapters are quite short for me. It should make it an easier read, or that is what I am going for. I hope you are looking forward to the next two ghosts. I won't tell you who but it should be easy to guess. Finally there should be a total of four chapters give or take an epilogue.**

 **Please Review**


	2. Constant Pain

**Welcome back! Glad to see a positive reaction to the first chapter. I wasn't sure if I was heading the right direction, but I know now that you like it. Originally it was a short story idea I had to distract myself from the discomfort of getting more tattoo work done. Literality needle in arm stuck in the same position for 4 hours with nothing to do but think. My artist isn't super talkative when he is focused and I didn't want to be rude so I thought about this… well mostly the spirits visiting came once I started writing. Though at the end of the session I told dirty jokes to get through the worst of it.**

 **Anyways thank you for your continued interest in this story. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have writing it.**

 **One last thing I feel I should explain before continuing. As you all have noticed in all my works I use the spelling Gaia instead of the more common Gaea. When I first fell in love with Escaflowne and started writing it was the peak of the fandom 2000-2001. The writers and information was split pretty 50/50 on the correct spelling of a lot of things unique to the series. I have a pretty severe spelling disability and was always afraid if messing something up, and the name of their world was pretty damn important.**

 **Well I chose to side with the people who wrote it as Gaia after a ton of research. Gaia is also the Greek mythological deity that personifies earth. These days it seems to be translated or considered correct as Gaea by about 95% of the fandom. I stick to the fact that both are technically correct even though the other is more common. In the end I may be wrong, but I feel more comfortable using my traditional Gaia spelling. Also if I changed after all these years how many million times would I have to edit my works?! No thank you!**

 **Well my rant is done for now enjoy!**

 **More than Skin Deep**

 **Chapter 2- Constant Pain**

It seems sleeping through the night can do magical things for my mood. Invigorated, I set about cleaning up the apartment. Straightening and organizing the little things can make a big difference. Once done, I took a long shower, scrubbing away any residual stress. I even found myself humming as I dried my uneven hair, brushing and pulling it back into a high pony tail as a finishing touch. Dressed and ready to face the day I scavenged for food but found only bowls of ramen and other unhealthy prepackaged food.

All super high in preservatives and sodium made it possible for me to only have to leave the apartment once, maybe even twice, a month for supplies. You'd be surprised what you can order by phone and internet these days. New sites seem to pop up almost every day where I can buy clothes no one will ever see or things like toilet paper and bulk shampoo.

Moving forward, I want a real breakfast, real food, and I'm not afraid to go out for once. I didn't so much as see Van in the dream last night as I felt his arms around me. I felt his calm presence and felt protected from all the terrible things I normally hide from in these four simple walls. Today would be different.

I packed my wallet, keys, and phone in a small teal purse that someone gave me as a gift a long time ago. If I wanted to remember who it was, all I would have to do is hold the purse and think about everyone that had touched it and I could see it. Everyone, from the person who bought it, to the factory worker that first assembled it, and every sales person in between. It can be kind of overwhelming. I try not to touch many things while I am out, because it can happen without warning. I thought about always wearing gloves like a comic book hero, but it would look odd. The last thing I want is more attention.

Taking a deep breath, I step outside and relax when images don't start assaulting my mind right away. It has happened before. Locking the door was another story, placing my hand on the door frame I received a flash of worry. My neighbor must have leaned on that spot either last night or one of the many others where she stopped to check on me before going to work. My good mood begins to wilt at the edges.

If Varie did visit me last night, does that mean my neighbor didn't? Was it all another lucid dream? When will I ever wake up?

Yet again, the edges of reality begin the blur for me. Every time I start to feel a little like myself, something knocks me back down. Today, things will be different, right?

Head held high, I begin the short three block walk to the grocery store. It's not the biggest or nicest in the area, but it is by far the closest to my apartment and has good flash sales regularly. I don't need to see the specials to know that eggs will be super cheap with a limit of four cartons per person. That's a lot of eggs for one person.

I'm greeted in the friendly yet distant manner of a stranger. I don't leave the house enough to be considered a regular, though I rarely venture to another market. Again, it is how I like it. The closer I get to people, the more afraid it makes me. Since coming back to Earth, my visions have been more or less nonsense. Sometimes I see something of relevance, but the one time I needed a vision the most, nothing happened. How many times did I wish for it all to stop? How many awful things tormented me both awake and asleep? Would there ever be a time where I felt in control of my own mind and life?

I'll never forgive myself for failing that day. Even with everything I couldn't save her, because I had no idea it would happen. After that terrible day, pushing away the people I care about became second nature. I am protecting them the best I can even when it hurts.

Locking my mind and heart away from Van was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. I hope that somehow I made the right decision. I will always love him; there has never been a doubt about that, but the question is could he still love me? Should he have to deal with my issues on top of the rest of his responsibilities?

Lost in thought, I absently wander through the produce section. The display of pears looks fresh and delicious. I can almost taste the juicy textured flesh. The moment my hand comes in contact with the fragrant fruit, I see a store employee sneeze on the display he made earlier this morning, wiping snot with his hand before continuing to work. Suddenly, it no longer sounds any good. I always wash the fruit before eating anyways, but it still feels contaminated.

I am reminded why I hide myself away; the outside world is so very overwhelming. The average person would never know half the things I am forced to see and feel. If a piece of fruit can give me a vision, then the amount of information off one person is tenfold, and there is never just one person. It feels like drowning. The harder I fight, the deeper I sink.

Worry, egotism, distrust, curiosity, anger, and doubt are just a few of the emotions rolling over me from the other shoppers and store workers. There is just too much to know where any of it comes from. I used to not be able to feel emotions this way. Before I was taken to Gaia the first time, all I had was a slight accuracy with fortune telling and an unusual pendant. Then again, my first vision happened the day before my life changed. After that, things became so much stronger then I could have ever dreamed. The overpowering detail and suddenness of the visions only seemed to grow with time.

I could also use abilities any so-called psychic would kill for; accurate dowsing, sensing the cloaked melifs, revealing the traitor in Freid, being able to follow Van into the darkness, reading a lost language, and so much more. I didn't sense emotions at all until I felt Van overcome with battle lust, and it was so awful that it drove me to force my way home. This skill with emotions took me a while to even realize what I was feeling, and now I wish I could turn it off.

The word they used on Gaia was Seer, but that doesn't really sum it all up. I've also become an empath, and though I don't touch tarot cards or dabble in fortune, telling I can't stop seeing things. Emotions and memories can trigger even the smallest vision. The problem is the source can come from all around me and at any time.

I busy my hands with the grocery basket, trying to hide the noticeable trembling. If I pretend everything is normal then it will be, right?

As good as I felt when I woke up this morning, it all seems to be draining away with every contact, both physical and emotional. By the time I finish shopping, I feel like I've been awake for a month straight, not that I wouldn't know what that's like. This plastic smile I hold at the checkout hurts my face as I'm unused to the motion of it. Even pretending to be happy is exhausting.

I can feel the cashier's eyes studying me like sand paper on my already frayed nerves. I try to ignore the irritating grating. I don't want to scream in public, again. When handing over money to pay for my groceries, the woman's fingers come in contact with mine. With a jolt, I see her gossiping about the jumpy woman in her line that morning, how the community should do more to get rid of addicts and freaks.

The coins slip through my numb fingers and hit the counter top with shocking volume, bringing me back to the here and now. Her smile is brittle and I know mine has slipped.

"Sorry," I mutter trying and failing to pick the money up without making a bigger scene.

"It's fine. I'll get it." She deftly gathers the currency in one motion.

After that, it was all I could to keep my calm pretense. Thankfully, our interaction was over, and I gathered my bags and walked out. I left the store with my head down and shoulders rounded, as if being crushed with extreme pressure. Thankful for the short walk home, I did my best to keep it together.

I'm not a mind reader, so I can't tell exactly what people are thinking. Though between the barrage of emotions and experiences, I don't need to know their exact words to tell what people are imagining about me.

One block to go. All I have to do is make it one more block and I'll be safely home. What could have possessed me into thinking this was a good idea? It never gets better with time, only worse.

A group of high school aged boys are heading my direction. Most of the time kids like them will normally ignore me entirely. This time I wasn't so lucky. Mamoru is in the center of the group, my little brother. The problem came not from him but his long time best friend striding just to his right hand.

"Hey, Kanzaki, isn't that your sister?" He nudged the group ringleader with interest.

"Your eyesight must be failing, Imura." He shoved the other boy back, turning his nose up and his cold eyes away from me. "My sister lives in America. There is no way she's anything like that loser. Hitomi loves it so much there we hardly ever see her. If my grades are high enough, she'll send me tickets to visit this holiday."

He definitely recognized me but would hate for his friends to find out what a sad failure his sister had become. My heart twisted painfully as the chatter of the teens faded. I'm nothing but an embarrassment to my family. Wouldn't it have been better for them if I had never returned? Just a mysterious disappearance.

Lost in thought a businessman, bumps into my shoulder as his purposeful strides carry him past. Images of sweating bodies and slick flesh invaded my mind. The panting woman enjoying this special care was not his wife, but the newly hired secretary he couldn't keep off his mind. Guilt over cheating was only a small shadow on his conscious.

"Watch where you're going." He snapped at me back in the present and fully clothed.

Shocked, I drop my bags. Muttering apologies, I stoop to gather my items with shaking hands.

A middle-aged woman bends down next to me. "Don't apologize, dear. Men like that don't care about anyone else but themselves." Her motherly demeanor is betrayed by the fact that I can actually see her stealing money from work. Shuffling the amounts at the bank so no one would know it was her. Instead, an innocent younger girl with less experience was blamed for miscounting, repeatedly, and fired in her place.

I scramble away from her, not caring the attention we had started to gather. Spinning on my heel, I bolted as fast as I could. Leaving my groceries scattered on the pavement, and that woman complaining about the rudeness of kids these days.

Sprinting up the stairs, my out of shape body strained with the exertion. The keys shook so violently in my hands they sounded like badly tuned chimes. Once inside, I slam and bolt the door. Sliding to the floor, I could no longer hold back the tears. Anger, weakness, pain, fear. The more I feel, the less I want to.

There is a solid knock on the door at my back, and I can feel the vibrations. Wiping the hot tears away, I stay otherwise silent and still. I strain my hearing until the footsteps leave, only then do I risk opening the door. On my faded doormat sits the discarded bags I left in the street. Someone either knew where I lived or watched my hasty departure.

Dragging the dented and bruised groceries inside, I am careful to not touch the handles in case that person left thoughts or feeling behind for me to also find. There are still good people out there, but I can't handle their presence along with the constant assault I have to otherwise endure.

Putting away my purchases, I am no longer hungry, only exhausted. Double checking that the door is firmly locked, I crawl into bed and pray for it all to go away.

It is dark when I am awakened by a cool but loving touch smoothing my hair away from my clammy forehead. Before I can jerk away from the intruder, they stop moving just out of reach.

"It's okay, Hitomi." I know that voice. My eyes shoot open, not sure of which version of her I will see. Will it be the fifteen year old girl with braids and a summer yukata or the older woman with the loose ponytail and the simple kimono? Regardless, the second ghost is Yuri Kanzaki, my grandmother.

She looks exactly as she did the last time I saw her alive. Somehow, I expected to see her as I did on Gaia, as a girl transported through time and space.

"If it comforts you, I can appeared as I have in the past." Her voice was soft and soothing. When Varie visited, she always looked the same. Same long hair and flowing dress. On the other hand, this was not the Yuri from my visions but my grandmother who I loved and lost years ago.

"No, Grandmother, I prefer you this way." I remember everything. The smell of chamomile that wafted from her kimono. The way her still brown hair was gathered low and hung down her back. The gentle movements of her delicate hands as she laid out the tarot.

The woman who I once resembled smiled in the way that deepened the wrinkles around her emerald eyes and warmed my heart. She continued to place the cards in a standard spread. Curious, I moved to sit opposite of her at my small table.

"Do you wish to see your present? The world outside can be a harsh place." Unlike my last unexpected guest, she didn't lecture me or even show pity.

"I don't know what you could show me that I haven't been forced to see." I didn't want to see the cards she set between us. Instead, I tried to memorize everything about the woman I had missed. If she had lived, would Grandmother have understood what was happening to me? Would she have been able to help?

"I can show you things outside even your own vision." She turned over the last card, laying the Ace of Serpents face up. Van. I haven't had a vision of him on my own since cutting off our connection. The memories I was showed last night or the dream that followed weren't quite the same.

I stood in what appeared to be a library or study. Book shelves framed a large window overlooking a city with roofs clustered together and sheer cliff walls just visible in the fading light. Fanelia. My heart pounding, I spun away from the window searching for him.

It felt like spring had suddenly come after a long terrible winter. Seeing Van even though he couldn't see me, I was very grateful for that second part. He looked so handsome and grown up, but then again, the years have passed by swiftly.

Most people tend to just blur together for me. I don't give then more attention than I have to, as I never know what I'll actually see if I focus in on them. Not Van. I want to memorize every detail of him. Ebony hair still wild yet worn closer cropped than in his youth. It has spiked slightly where he absently ran his hands through it while deep in thought. Multiple times by the look of it. He appears more mature and the clean angles of his face are left less shadowed. It must have been evening for him as light stubble has begun to dust his once smooth jaw line.

Concentration narrowed, his quick mahogany eyes scanned a letter embossed with a detailed crest and penned with a deft hand. Of all the changes, none surprised me quite like his right arm. The naturally tanned skin was bare with the exception of two symbols inked in vibrant sky blue. Diamond shapes adorned his shoulder and bicep. The first was larger and cut out in the center, the second smaller and solid, as if the two shapes were once one.

I'd never thought of Van to be the sort of person to get tattoos.

"What sort of person would that be?" Grandmother Yuri spoke. Though I had almost forgotten her presence entirely, what shocked me more was that I couldn't remember if I spoke the words out loud or if she just read my mind.

"Well, you know the only people I knew on Gaia with tattoos were Folken and Naria. People with some darkness following them around."

"If that were the case, would you not warrant the use of tattoos as well?" She spoke lightly, but the glint in her keen eyes told another story. "As I see it, we all have darkness within us. Your young King is far from an exception of that, but every culture and every person has different reasons for the permanent marking of their skin."

"In Van's case, would it have anything to do with the war?" I was curious of what something so simple could mean and why Van would want to wear it so openly.

"Yes and no." She spoke slowly, almost hesitantly, as if she wasn't sure I deserved to know any more on the subject. Or in this case about a man who I once knew what seems like a lifetime ago. After the silence stretched between us, she sighed before continuing. "It is an ancient Fanelian tradition which fell out of favor a few generations before this ruling Fanel. Beginning from a time of tribal leaders, it was a symbol of strength worn only by warrior kings. Those marks are earned distinctly by exceptional acts of strength, sacrifice, and valor. It shows not only of their fierceness in battle, but also a strong dedication to his people that drives him even today."

"How can something so simple stand for so much?" I wanted to trace the blue shapes with my finger, knowing he couldn't tell I was there, but I resisted.

"Sometimes it's the small things that have the greatest strength." Just like her to speak in riddles, but I knew what she meant. Just as an ant can carry an item a hundred times its own body weight, Van and I were really just kids that somehow had the strength to end a war.

"If they fell out of favor then why did Van choose to get tattoos?" If Van hasn't changed that much over the years then I already know the answer.

"Popularity and acceptance by other nations' leaders have never held much weight with this young king." Nope. He hadn't changed at all then, but she had more to say and continued confidently. "He chose to accept his past and turn it into something positive. A mark of strength, as if wordlessly he is saying, 'I am far more then I appear to be.' The Draconian King. The Pilot of the Escaflowne. The White Dragon. _Your_ Van Fanel."

As we spoke Merle had silently entered the room. She, too, had been changed by the years. No longer a child but a beautiful woman, for a moment I thought I was seeing Naria. The pink hair was unmistakable though, and her large blue eyes showed curiosity as she approached her adopted sibling.

"So, the council has finally given you an ultimatum?" Her voice had lost some of the childish whine, but the intonation in her speech was the same.

"Looks like it." Van spoke as if her sudden appearance was normal, and it probably was. He made as if the crumple the letter, but thought better of it and instead, he set it aside leaving a clear view of the three stacks of paper organized neatly in the center of his otherwise chaotic desk. Each pile sat with a small oil painting he had either turned face down on purpose or chose to neglect looking at in the first place.

"At least this time they came prepared. You can't escape from it now, Lord Van." She pointed out, sounding slightly impressed.

"This can wait a little longer." Van spoke evenly. He refrained from touching the stacks as if they were poisonous.

"If you wait any longer, you won't have a choice anymore." The neko reminded him. Her hands made circular patterns in the air as she spoke. "How about I read it to you, and then you can say yes or no?"

"Merle, this isn't a game." He lectured, but let her gather the information regardless.

"It sure seems like an interesting one. The prize is a wife, after all." She laughed, though there was a brittle edge to it. "Oh, come on, Lord Van. Lighten up. It's not like the wedding is tomorrow. The decision has to happen now, so that you can move forward with plans and contracts. Royal weddings are awfully complicated."

"I don't see why I can't wait another year." Even with the shorter hair, he could still manage to cast shadows, effectively shielding his eyes and emotions.

Merle sighed dramatically. This seemed to be a common argument; one neither ever seemed to win. "Well, since you've been saying that for six years now, I think you've run out of 'just one more' a long time ago. "

"I dreamt of Hitomi last night." He spoke slowly, as if admitting something very personal.

"Don't say her name!" She snapped with tan fur bristling angrily. "Don't let her break your heart again, Lord Van. "

Silence stretched awkwardly between the adopted siblings. For a moment, it seemed like Van wanted to say more. He ran uneasy fingers through his hair, disheveling it further. "Are you going to help, or should I ban you from my study?"

With an exasperated exhale, Merle's stripped fur settled back into place.

"Fine! Let's see." She set the first painting in front of Van. It was a beautiful woman with straight, silky black hair and caramel colored skin. Her almond shaped eyes were grey like smoke and just as mysterious. "Amir del Basra, Princess of Basram. Eighteen moons, an avid archer and hunter. Amir is also skilled at dancing."

Merle paused and then continued with her commentary. "She is really known to be moody and brooding. Like there shouldn't be more than one of those in any marriage."

"Merle!" Van snapped but couldn't hide the slight smile lightening his mood. "Just stick to the information."

"Oh, come on, Lord Van. You've seen these girls at events for years." He continued to stare at her without recognition. She rolled her expressive blue eyes. "You may have been hiding from them, but I know more than some silly packet of random facts. Amir is pretty, but her moods tend to swing dark."

"Fine," He sighed. "Next then."

Cheerfully, the Neko set the next portrait down with a flourish. Petite and fair, the next woman had fiery red hair and milky white skin. Large blue eyes and rosebud lips made her look like something out of a story book. "Emma Von Edgzar, Princess of Edgzardia. Seventeen moons old. A talented musician, she is often requested to play at any event she attends, and that makes her very stuck up."

Van shot an exasperated look, even though knowing Merle would never change. "I don't know why I'm bothering. I'll request more time and-"

"And they'll choose the worst one for you with the biggest dowry!" Merle stomped her foot. "Emma is arrogant and full of herself. She is also a dreadful flirt and loves when men fawn all over her."

Van leaned back in his chair. His large hand waved through the air as he spoke, as though trying to wave away invisible pests. "Well Amir is too moody. Emma is too flirty. Who's left? The cross-eyed leper?"

Merle froze, looking at the next painting.

Her sudden and uncharacteristic silence made him sit up a little straighter. "What? Is she that hideous?"

"Yeah, awful. Not this one either." She tried to tuck the painting into the stack of papers, but Van, now curious, snatched it away.

"What's wrong with her? She looks nice." He sat back down, holding the portrait of a woman with long honey colored hair braided over one shoulder. Large, luminous hazel green eyes and a slight smile lit up her face; it made her look stunning where normally she might be classified as pretty.

"Eva la Cessir, Princess of Cesserio." Merle wasn't even looking at the information anymore.

"Well, does she have extra toes or a habit of eating raw meat?"

"No, Eva is lovely. She's kind, funny, and enjoys taking care of people. Despite social norms, Eva is a talented sword fighter, with a strong sense of justice. She only has been in tournaments and demonstrations. I've always liked chatting with her at events. She can make even the most dull thing fun…" She trailed off.

"But?" Van leaned in, interested as to his sister's next words.

Merle spoke reluctantly, as if the words were painful to admit. "She looks a lot like you-know-who."

"Hitomi?" That rocked him back like a solid smack to the face. "No, she doesn't."

"Yes, she does, Lord Van. I like Eva, maybe even as an actual friend, but you'd just be using her as a replacement for that stupid girl. You both deserve better." The whine was back in her voice as it was when she became increasingly emotional.

"Merle?" He questioned, perplexed by the sudden change in her mood.

"Marry anyone else!" She yelled scattering the forgotten stack of papers and darting quickly out the door.

Van sat stunned by the explosive outburst. He glanced back down at the painting of the friendly woman. Voice quite he spoke to the room that was empty, as far as the king knew.

"I think there are no other options."

The vision shimmers to darkness. Van is moving another step away from me. As much as I want to yell for him to wait for me, I know it won't do any good. I doubt I'll ever have enough control to go back. The last thing I want is to be a burden to him or anyone. It's better that he does move on at this rate. All I want is for him to be happy. If that happens without me, then I, too, can be happy, right?

I just don't understand Merle's reaction. First, she was pushing him to pick a wife, like out of a catalog. The next thing you know, she is flipping out over some woman who's only matching features to me would be hair and eye color. Even that wasn't an exact match. Side by side, we wouldn't even pass for sisters, maybe cousins at best.

"She misses you." My grandmother spoke softly, yet it still made me jump. I had forgotten she was there.

"Sure has a funny way of showing it." For some reason, it comes out petulant sounding, as if some of Merles attitude had rubbed off on me.

Grandmother must be ignoring my tone, because I half expected a lecture. "It's easier for her to be angry. She hates that you never returned, and that your loss could be so crippling. Everyone mourns in a different way."

"But I'm not dead." I wave the idea away, but something cold slithers into the pit of my stomach regardless.

She merely shook her head as if I was being thick on purpose. "How could she know that? What else could keep you away for so long? It's either you are dead or that you don't care about them nearly as much as they cared for you."

That hit me like a physical blow, rocking me back slightly. "I had to make a choice."

"You chose your family over the life you could have had." She is direct, and it hits the mark like a perfectly aimed arrow. "Was it worth it?"

"That's not fair. You chose the same thing." I'm on the defensive now. I thought she of all people would understand.

"No, I wasn't given the option. Had I been able to make that decision on my own, I would have chosen differently." The deep wistfulness in her voice cools my outrage quickly.

"You would have stayed on Gaia?" I wait for her to deny it, to deny that she never wanted the life that led to me and my family at all.

"I would have stayed with Leon." She confirmed with a sad nod. "Then you would not exist, and you, Hitomi, are something I will never regret. Things happen for a reason. I am glad things turned out this way, but can you say the same thing? Where is your family now?"

With that, we are standing in my childhood home. The house is dark and silent. The first thing I notice is they have new furniture, and the only pictures on the wall are of my parents' wedding and ones of Mamoru. Him playing baseball. Him holding up an award at school. Him smiling and care free. They have the perfect child and the wonderful family but not a single sign of my life.

I move soundlessly up the stairs and find my room is now an office. The closet is overflowing with boxes and old sports equipment. Mamoru sleeps peacefully in the next room, with posters and baseball memorabilia hanging on the pale walls. The last room has light shining under the door, and I find my parents still awake and reading side by side.

My father looks older and slightly greyer then the last time I saw him but mostly unchanged. A history novel is in his hands, and his glasses are sliding down his nose. My mother has her hair braided on the side in the way she always wears when sleeping. She looks thinner and holds a romance novel loosely. After a moment, she moves a book mark between the pages and sets the book on her side table.

"Mamoru saw Hitomi today." She turns slightly to her husband, waiting for a reaction. "He said she looked terrible. Do you think we made a mistake by letting her move out?"

He placed his book face down but not closed, as if this would only take a moment and he could easily go back to his story. "What was our other option? We decided that as long as she wasn't a danger to herself or others, then we wouldn't commit her."

"Well, I think we chose wrong." I felt sick. My parents wanted to send me away to some institution, and here they are talking about it like it was nothing.

"Do you think she will hurt someone other than that poor Uchida girl?" I feel like I am going to throw up even though I haven't eaten since yesterday. They talk about it so casually, and it hurts all over again.

"Yukari," My mother corrected. Her lips pursed as if tasting something rotten. "I don't think Hitomi did it on purpose, but she became more erratic after the incident. There is no telling how much she has harmed herself since then."

"Proper institutions are expensive. Unless we can find grounds for a government institution I don't think it is worth us paying for." You could almost see him calculating the unnecessary expense.

Mother's brow wrinkled deeply in thought. "She is our responsibility."

"No, I don't have a daughter. That girl is a stranger and a lost cause." His tone was final. "It's late." With that, he removed his glasses, rolled over, and turned off the light. Mother quickly followed suit without complaint.

My knees felt weak from the shocking revelation, and I dropped artlessly to the floor. The floor of my small apartment. I was numb but recognized we had returned.

All this time and I never knew they considered committing me and not for the first time it seems. I know it doesn't seem that way to them, but I'm not crazy. I'm not imagining or making up anything. Honestly, if I told anyone half of what I have experienced, then I'd be locked away for good.

I know it all seems a bit insane, but it's my family. They should have some faith in me. They don't, and I'd rather they have actually cut ties with me than conspire like this. The fact is what happened that day made everything spiral out of control, but as far as my father is concerned, I am at fault. As far as most people are concerned, I am to blame, and I fully agree with them.

"I can't show you that day." Grandmother read my mind once again. "It is in the past."

"Then why didn't Varie show it to me yesterday?" I demand, not understanding why they get to pick what I do and don't need to see. This is my life. They are merely spirts with a lesson to teach a lost soul. I should have more control in this at the very least.

"Why should she when you relive it every single day?" Her voice is almost heartbreaking, and I can feel the weight of her disappointment pressing in on me. "Hitomi, punishing yourself for what happened to Yukari will not bring her back. It will change nothing. Until you learn to live for today, then tragic events are only bound to repeat."

"Why are you bothering to show me any of this?!" I push back, angry and defensive. "What good will it do now after all this time?!"

"You are being given another chance. To what end I could not tell you, but there has to be more to your destiny. Only you can see past the pain." She's gone once more, but her last words float through my mind unhindered. "Believe in yourself, Hitomi, and the rest will follow."

Instead of crawling back into bed, I turn towards the small sparse kitchen. Once the rice cooker is set, I dig through the kitchen utensil drawer until I find what I'm looking for. Kitchen shears in hand, I stand in front of the bathroom mirror while my food begins to cook. Taking a deep breath, I grab a large chunk of hair and begin to snip. The cut strands start to pile around my bare feet.

The rice cooker dings, and I put the last touches on my new look. Not the best hair cut I've ever gotten, but as I run my fingers through the boyishly short strands, I decide it isn't half bad either. Little by little, I've begun to feel like myself. One small step forward at a time is all I can hope for.

What matters now is to keep moving forward.

 **To be continued…**

 **A/N- Did you like Van's tattoos? This is based purely as a continuation of the series but I have fun tying in some small traits from the movie. Say what you want about the movie it was technically and detail wise completely beautiful. Story and character development… meh… but it was pretty. Everyone really liked when I gave Van the wood carving trait from the movie in my last story. It goes with this story to give him the tattoos… and come on! Older Van with the tattoos is extra handsome. I chose to shorten his hair since most people tend to lengthen it as he gets older. I think of it about the length of happy Folken's hair but sticking up oddly when he runs his hands through it. Adds a bit of unconscious habit to it.**

 **Well you see now more of what has driven Hitomi to push everyone away. Her powers are way too strong for her to control and really mess with her poor head. It's not so much trauma from the war hurting her, but it still there making matters worse.**

 **Second Ghost is Grandmother Yuri! Hope you all liked seeing her again. I've had Varie in two of my other stories so she was pretty easy for me, but I've never had Yuri reappear. It was about time.**

 **What do you think about Hitomi's family? If she was going to move forward they need to become part of her past not present. What about Yukari? Something else holding Hitomi back…**

 **Please Review!**


	3. Wicked Scars

**WOW! I'm feeling very loved right now! The new reviewers and follows don't just make my day they make my week… no month… maybe more. I love you guys and am honored by the thoughtfulness of your wonderful reviews.**

 **So I should note that I have not completely modernized this story like some of my others. If the original series aired in 1996, then Hitomi and Van were 15 in the spring/summer of '96 where I hypnotized the war happened. This story takes place 6 years later. Van and Hitomi are 21 and it is the year 2002. So all the technology and such are based off of that time. It also matches up that 2001-02 was pretty much the peak of Escaflowne's American popularity. I didn't want to confuse anyone, but I also didn't want to say "It's been six years since…" in the story its self until it came up naturally. Merle said it in the last chapter when Van wanted to wait another year for Hitomi. Hope that clears up any possible confusion. Some more dates will be thrown around in this chapter, so I thought it was a good time for an explanation.**

 **Chapter 3- Wicked Scars**

Waking up slowly, the first thing on my mind was Yukari. What happened keeps coming back up even in my present. Maybe I can't move forward until I face the past. Honestly, I don't want to. Hiding from the guilt hasn't gotten me very far, so it has to be time to do something about it, right?

I still haven't figured out the reason why I'm being visited now after all these years. Do the ghosts expect me to just run off to Gaia and beg Van not to go through with an arranged marriage? Are they warning me that my family has given up on me at best? What is next now? Do I really want to see my future when I have so much trouble just living one day at a time?

None of it changes anything. Yesterday I thought things were getting better and left the house optimistic only to be constantly assaulted. That's what it feels like being forced to feel and see things against my will, a terrible violation of my mind and body. Some days it's not too bad, but others like yesterday, it is like I'm in an abusive relationship with my powers. They hurt me over and over again, destroying any peace I could hold on to only to find that there is no escape from them. They are part of me and so very much stronger then I will ever be.

As awful as everything was yesterday, I find a desire to push forward. Maybe it was seeing Van again. He was so handsome and it gives me hope. Hope that if he can wear his past while living strongly for the future, maybe I can find a little bit of that peace for myself.

First thing this morning I need to check my messages. The only luxury I have is also one of the only necessities. The computer is an older model with a bulky monitor, but it works. Some days that is all that matters. Dial-up internet is slow. As I wait for the telltale connection noises, I make a cup of tea and open a pack of butter cookies. Not the most balanced breakfast, but at least it's something to soak up the acid churning in my stomach.

Once connected, I log into my email and find two new messages from work and a load of junk mail. The latter I delete without opening. Clicking on the first of the important emails, it opens to show a request from my supervisor and an attached manuscript. Despite being unable to leave the house even on a good day, I still must support myself. I can't expect anyone to pay my bills, so I have to hold down a job even if it isn't exactly what I expected to be coming back from another world to do.

I work as an editor for a small independent publishing house. Most of what I do is first draft proofreading and recommendations. I am far from the only one that will edit a single work before it goes to print. I also don't have much sway within the company, but even at the lowest level, they still seem to listen to most of my reviews honestly. The majority of things I am sent are just your standard romance stories mass produced for airport bookstands. Every now and then there are actual good stories but not that often.

The work itself is pretty easy for me even though I never went to college. The most important thing is that I never have to actually have contact with another person to do my job. It pays the bills, and since I don't sleep much anyways, I tend to burn through manuscripts pretty steadily. My speed and reliability is why the second letter is yet again offering me a higher paying position. The drawback is that I'll need to work from the office and supervise junior members. As nice as moving up from the lowest paying, most expendable job would be, I know that it's not a possibility for me.

The old black and white printer sputters to life. Though I can easily work from the monitor without wasting paper, I prefer having something solid in my hands. Also, today I need to take my job on the road. As much as I am dreading leaving the house two days in a row, this seems to be something I have to do.

Knowing what happened yesterday, I dress for the trip and include a pair of thin gloves into my ensemble. Tucking the freshly printed pages, my old CD player, and a few snacks into a plain messenger bag, I head for the door before I can change my mind.

The headphones and music help drown out some of the emotions rolling over me from strangers on the street. It is late spring and yet the gloves give me some comfort today. They remind me of Van and the fact he was almost never without those brown leather gloves covering his hands. However, mine are made of synthetic grey material, since I learned the hard way how traumatizing wearing leather can be for me. Van has never been forced to see the life and death of the animal that he wears. It was almost enough to turn me vegetarian.

Standing at the bus stop, I crank up the volume of my music. My fellow travelers are starting to overpower the notes with their constant noise. Noise only I can hear. Worry, doubt, fear, impatience, and suspicion. The last one might be pointed more at me. It all overlaps each other like a poorly tuned band of untrained musicians. They all want to be center stage at the same time, and it is almost deafening.

Relieved by the bus's arrival, I trudge up the sticky steps and head directly for the back. I just have to pray that I am off-putting enough that no one will want to sit next to me. Leaning my head back and closing my eyes, I fake sleep even though the seat gives me a sneak peek at the last occupants.

It takes more than an hour to reach my destination, but I am grateful that I didn't have to switch buses. There are faster routes, but I'd have to be in contact with more people. That is non-negotiable right now.

The building is just as I remember it. It is a simple, three-story complex painted bright white with well-tended garden beds both on the front and sides. I take off the head phones and silence the repeating CD. This is a place where I'd rather deal with the extra stimulus than be rude to the occupants and workers.

Grateful for my gloves, I gently hold the well-used pen and sign the visitors' log book. No telling what that inanimate object would want to tell me from the simplest contact. I don't need to ask the front desk worker anything as I know exactly where I need to go. It doesn't make it any easier though.

The true test comes at the door. Though it is open, I can't seem to force myself to make my presence known. I knock, call-out, clear my throat, and nothing. It as if I am standing on the other side of a huge canyon which is impossible to cross. The sole occupant of the room sits facing away from me. Their high-backed chair is the most expensive, most advanced, motorized wheelchair on the market.

I watch as it purrs to life, turning the woman to face me. Her body is still aside from the right hand which has just enough motion to move the clunky joystick control. The life in her brown eyes is another matter.

Although I am standing in a brightly lit hallway, my vision is blurred by the heavy rain that poured mercilessly that sad, autumn day. I never saw it coming. Not the fight with my best friend. Not the way she chased after me into the storm. Not the way I would reject her help, pushing her back a few minuscule steps. Not the speeding motorbike that shouldn't have been driving in that terrible weather.

"It's been a long time, Hitomi." Yukari speaks informally, but there is a hard edge to her voice that was never there in our youth. "I'd like to say you haven't changed, but then I'd be lying."

"It's been too long." Not sure of what I can accomplish by coming here, I try to keep my voice light. No one knows that I can still taste the fear that choked me when I believed I had killed my best friend.

"Spare me the pity." She snaps. All pretense of friendliness melts away in an instant like an icicle in an inferno.

Would she ever know how often I had prayed that it had been me and not her? Does she know how my nightmares are haunted by the one vision I never received? Would anyone know that as she lay unmoving and broken a pillar of bright light had tried to sweep me away?

"It's not pity, it's guilt." I respond honestly. That seems to calm her, if only for curiosity's sake. "I have been doing a lot of thinking about the past and where everything went wrong. What I'm trying to say is that I've been running for five years, and it's about time I faced things for once."

"Do you think apologizing will change anything?" she questions coldly.

"No, I don't." The truth in my words seems to be the only right answer. Most people would call me insensitive for not putting on a bright face, but that wouldn't get through to her and it wouldn't help me.

"Then what do you want from me, Hitomi?" A tiny bit of who she once was showed through the prison of her paralyzed body.

"Nothing, Yukari. I don't want anything from you, but I know if I were stuck in that chair, I'd want my friend more than anything. I haven't been there for you like I should have." It could have been the touch of dark humor or the truth I spoke, but I knew in that moment that this is what I have been missing more than anything.

Her face softened. "I don't know about friends anymore, but I could use some company."

"I'm not much fun though," I admitted, stepping into the room hesitantly.

"You at least get out more than me." She watches as I maneuvered into an empty chair, and I try to ignore the slight envy still in her eyes. Would Yukari wish to trade places with me if she had to feel and see everything I do? Honestly, I think she would. If I had been in her place, I would give anything to feel something.

"Not by much." I have to admit. That brings a smile to her face that reminds me of my best friend, even if it is only a shadow of her former self. People always thought I was so strong during the war, but strength comes in so many forms. I don't hold a candle to Yukari. I pray that one day I can hold my head up proudly knowing despite everything I am still very blessed.

We talk for a few hours, and I barely feel the time passing. Nothing will ever be the same as it was, but by facing her, it lessened a weight I've been carrying since the accident. I could have left that day and never looked back, but instead I had held Yukari in my arms until help had arrived. I will never be able to apologize enough, since nothing can turn back the hands of time and fix her. At least I still have time to be a good friend.

The ride back home passes far quicker than the original trip had. As I am unlocking my front door, I hear my phone ringing. This is odd in itself, since no one has my number aside from work. They normally just send emails. After the good progress this afternoon, I am energized enough to race to the handset before it goes to the inbox I never bothered to set up.

"Hello?" I question, slightly out of breath.

"I am calling to speak to Miss Kanzaki, Hitomi Kanzaki." The voice is female and very polite, but by the tone, it sounds like bad news.

"I'm Hitomi. Can I help you with something?"

"I apologize for the abruptness of this call, but were you a visitor at the Saitama Care Home today?" From the way she sounded, it seemed as if she wanted to be wrong. Why would someone from the facility be calling me? Had Yukari told security not to let me in next time? I could swear we had made progress, but what if she was just humoring me?

"I was." I state simply, trying not to give too much information. Maybe I should just ask to speak to Yukari so we can settle any issue right away.

"Can you tell me the name of the patient you planned to visit?" What did she mean by _planned_ to visit?

"Yukari Uchida. My friend who has been a resident of your hospital for the last five years."

The line went silent as if she were holding her breath. With a sad sigh that lowered her voice an octave or two, the woman shattered my heart. "I'm sorry, Miss Kanzaki. There is no good way to inform you, but Yukari Uchida passed away last year."

"That's not possible." Dead? Yukari couldn't have died. I spoke to her for hours. "How?"

"She developed a severe case of pneumonia last fall. With her condition, it was almost impossible for her system to handle any infection. Even with the best care, there was nothing we could do." She continued to speak, but the words were just noise in my ears. I'm sure she apologized for the confusion repeatedly. At one point I'm sure she offered something, possibly letting me know where my friend was buried to say good bye.

How could I lose Yukari after only just getting my best friend back? I spent the morning talking to a dead woman in an empty room. Why am I so shocked? This has been happening for the last few days, but Yukari wasn't like the others. Varie and Grandmother Yuri both came to show me things, even though I still hadn't found the point as to why. It wasn't supposed to end like this.

Why do I even bother leaving the house anymore? Every time I try to pull myself out of the darkness, I just get shoved right back down again.

I don't know who this last spirit is supposed to be, but no future could change how terrible I feel in this moment. Yet I find myself unable to do anything else but wait as the minutes turn into hours. Eventually, I realize that I have been holding the dead line for some time. I am just able to numbly put the phone aside and crawl over to the small table. I don't eat anything. I don't read the forgotten manuscript. I just wait.

11:59

12:00

Nothing. Maybe that was it. Maybe Yukari was the last one and meeting her ghost today meant I have no future just like her.

The air in front of me began to shimmer like a mirage in desert heat. He looked just like the last time I saw him. Hair un-spiked and right arm flesh, this was the whole Folken I never met in life. The change had to be his expression. It was sad and slightly cold, as he had been in those few conversations I was able to have with the Strategos before the end.

He didn't say anything or explain his presence. Instead he grabbed my hand in a tight, almost painful grip. I tried to recoil, to jerk free, but he held on effortlessly. The room around us began to change, and I knew we were seeing someone on Gaia. I only had one guess as to who it might be.

I was right. We stopped moving, and Folken dropped my hand so fast you'd think I had been the one hurting him. He didn't matter now. Only future Van mattered, and suddenly there he was. I didn't notice much about the room we were in aside from that it was huge. All I could see was the thick raven hair, broad shoulders, and smooth angular jaw line. I walked from behind him cautiously, even though there was no way he'd sense me. I didn't exist here in this future time line.

Van was older than in last night's vision. Not quite thirty, but still very handsome. Last time I saw him, his hair was short and face was clean shaven. This time the hair length wasn't too different, although the style was. It was slicked back and very mature, as was the facial hair he'd started wearing somewhere along the way. Van looked more like his father than even I had thought possible. It looked good on him, though I've never been a fan of men with mustaches. With Van, I'd much rather see his face unobscured.

He sat scanning and sorting through stacks of paperwork. His breakfast remained untouched and cooling beside him. Van's mahogany eyes moved swiftly back and forth in concentration as he worked. The main door opened, and two women entered talking lightly to each other. Pink hair long and loose curls framing the lithe catwoman's face, Merle walked slightly faster than her friend. She blocked most of my view of the other woman.

"Eva, tell your husband to stop working for once and eat something." The Neko scolded playfully for both parties to hear.

Van noticing the girls for the first time moved to stand, but the other woman, his wife laid a gentle hand on his tattooed shoulder from behind. She was tall, with long braided honey colored hair, and I remembered her as one of the possible brides Van could have chosen for a contract marriage. She was the only nice one and it seems like Merle has gotten over her immediate dislike of the match.

"You don't need to stand." She smiled affectionately down at him. "Don't worry about Merle she is just cross since she sees so little of you these days." Her smile was as warm as her voice. I could tell by the playful twinkle in her hazel green eyes that she loved him.

A new pain ripped through me. It was one thing to know Van had to move on, but another to see it firsthand. I couldn't turn away but I had to ask Folken. "Does he love her?"

"No." His answer was immediate, but after a moment he elaborated smoothly. "He likes her, more then he thought he would, but Van will always only have room in his heart for one woman."

I should feel better, but I don't. "So, Van will live without love?"

"No." Again, Folken took a moment to explain himself. "He will love them more than life itself."

Before I can ask who he is referring to, the main door opens once more, this time just enough for two small beings to dart in. Tiny feet patter loudly as a pair of raven hair boys charge forward with huge grins on their faces. "Papa!"

Van turns and the excitement on his face mirrors theirs. The older boy reaches him first, while the younger one trips sprawling at his feet. Before the tears can start, Van scoops the smaller child into his lap, soothing him. They must be four and two respectively and look so much like him.

"It's okay, Folken." Van spoke softly to the little boy, smoothing wild hair away from his tear-filled eyes and trembling mouth. He speaks to the older boy in a way that makes him stand taller, as if he is being tasked with a very important job. "Goau, can you get your brother some juice?"

"Yes, Papa!" He darts off on his mission excitedly.

I watch as the little family drama plays out. Once everything settles back down, the boys are seated farther down the table and distracted by their own plates of food.

Van turns back to his wife still stationed behind his chair. "Are you not going to eat?"

"Maybe later. I still feel a little ill." She admitted reluctantly.

"If you don't eat, she can't grow strong." He pulls her forward so that he can press a large hand to her rounded stomach. "How is my little Hitomi today?"

"Moving like an acrobat." She shifts his hand slightly to better feel the kicking child within.

"Like a fighter." He grins up at his beautiful wife. "Go eat something, so I feel better."

"Alright." She nods before taking a seat between Merle and the older boy, Goau.

"Are you sure it's alright to let him name this one after his first love?" The neko asks concerned. "You know he'll never forget her."

"If it is a girl as he thinks, Van can name her as he sees fit." Eva took a small bite of fruit, trying not to make a sour face. "I never expected him to love me instead of her. He is a good father, and all his children deserve that love."

"You are a far better person then I am." Merle sighs, pushing food absently around her plate.

"I don't know about that." The other woman laughs, and it is a warm rich sound. "If she were to return, I don't think I would be such a nice person. I'd have to fight for him."

The vision fades, and I pray that is the end of it. I am forced to watch Van happy with someone else. I don't know how much more I can handle. I welcome the darkness.

"If you had stayed or returned to him, the girl child would be named Varie and not Hitomi." Folken twisted the knife deeper.

"Is that it?" Tears threaten, but I refuse to cry. Instead, I get angry and turn on my stoic guide. "Is that the future you are trying to warn me away from? Van is happy and healthy. So what if he isn't with me?! What more could I ask for? She can give him a life I can't!"

"Do you not want to see your future?" Though it was formed as a question, I know it isn't an option to say "no."

The scenery changed to a very familiar neighborhood, but something was missing from the block. The apartment building was gone. In its place was an over grown lot surrounded by a chain link fence and " **No Trespassing"** signs.

Before I could ask why I was wasting my time looking at an empty plot of land, two women walk over to the fence and stop. The taller of the two seemed familiar, but her short, curvy friend was not.

"It seems so strange to be back here." The first woman spoke, and I knew exactly where she was from. It was my overly friendly upstairs neighbor, the baker. "It's been a six years since the fire, but it still feels like yesterday."

"Mako, you never did tell me what happened." The shorter girl watched her friend carefully.

"It was late." She took another step towards the fence hesitantly. "A phone call woke me up. The girl that lived below me said there was a fire, and I had to get everyone out of the building as soon as possible. At first I thought it was a prank. Then I realized that she didn't have my phone number. I actually don't know if she ever remembered my name. There was this sick feeling in my stomach, so I hung up and did what she told me."

She paused, lost in the memory before continuing. "At first everyone I woke up was so angry. They thought it was just a bad joke. Then we started smelling smoke. By then, I had knocked on almost every door. The fire spread so quickly. If I hadn't already woken the building, there wouldn't have been a chance to get to everyone in time."

"So thanks to your neighbor, you saved everyone." The other girl looked at the empty lot with new respect.

"Not everyone." Mako the baker turned with tears in her wide eyes. "I thought that since she was the first to know that she'd have gotten out, but I was wrong. By the time I noticed she wasn't with the rest of us across the street, the firefighters had arrived and wouldn't let me go back in."

"She was kind of a shut-in and rarely spoke to anyone, but she was nice and didn't deserve to die like that." Her shoulders shook with fresh grief.

"That's terrible." Her friend wrapped a comforting arm around her.

"Megumi, that's not even the worst part." The baker trembled visibly, and her voice wavered with suppressed emotion.

"How could it get worse?" She asked, though I knew it could always be worse.

"I called her family to let them know, and they were surprised she had lived that long. They didn't even bother coming to the funeral. No one did." She wiped the tears away angrily, looking back at the shadow of a life that had been taken. "It was just three of us; the priest, myself, and a strange foreigner. Just three people to mourn a life that saved so many."

"What was so strange about the other guy?" Megumi must have been a keen observer, because she asked what I wanted to know the most but also dreaded.

"He looked… wild. Black hair, red shirt, blue tattoos on his arm, and a sword strapped to his hip." Mako motioned as she spoke, and I could almost see the image of Van she called up. "After the funeral, he thanked me for coming, like he was her family. When I asked how they knew each other, he said that they had been friends as teenagers. Then he asked about her life here. There wasn't much I could tell him. She lived alone, kept to herself, and would wake up screaming at night."

She shook her head as if clearing away a deep fog. "The man then thanked me again. I began leaving but turned to say something else to him. Oh, Meg, it was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. He was kneeling in the freshly turned earth, his hand on the gravestone, crying."

"Do you think he loved her?" Megumi asked thoughtfully, and I saw a bit of the romantic I used to be in her.

"I don't know. It felt like I was intruding on a personal moment, so I left. Somehow I just couldn't leave it alone so I went back. I wanted to apologize for not saving her too, but he was gone."

"I'm sorry for asking if it is so hard to talk about." Her friend apologized, letting the taller girl lean on her for much needed support.

"No, I'm glad you asked. It's good to get it off my chest." The baker took a deep steading breath. "Come on. We should get going."

Through the whole exchange, Folken had been silent. Not that it had been out of character for him, but I wanted… no, I needed him to confirm this story.

"It's all true." He spoke evenly, like we weren't just talking about me dying alone and unloved in a fire.

"Van came back." That's what truly mattered, right? He came for me after all.

The next thing I knew we stood in front of a simple headstone.

Kanzaki Hitomi

December 09th 1980 - July 24th 2002

The dates… I die less than a few months from now. If the age of Van's children were anything to go by, he must have gotten married just about a year after my death.

"Van waited for you. He swore he would, but when you didn't come, he took a chance to bring you home." Folken's voice had softened as if he truly did mourn the sad end of this star-crossed love story. "He was too late and arrived just in time for the funeral."

I dropped to my knees, the grass soft aside for a stray rock or something digging into my right leg sharply. Frustrated, I dug at the stone only to feel it come away with something attached. It couldn't be. Rubbing at the dirt clump, I found a knotted chain and mud coated pendant. My pendant. Thinking back, he wasn't wearing it when I watched him with his happy family. Van must have left it behind after my funeral. He left the ghost of me behind, so that he could move on.

I don't want to die. I don't want life to move on as if I had never existed. I know it's selfish, but I don't want someone else to have a future with Van. To make him happy and give him everything he's always wanted, a family. That should be my destiny.

I pushed him away, because I was too afraid for him to see me in pain. I turned my back on the only person that could understand and possibly help me control my confusing abilities. In the end, the one I hurt the most was myself. I punished us both for no reason. Poor Yukari might have had a different fate, a happier life had I never returned. Even my family didn't want the girl that returned but Van had. In some way, he always would.

Without even realizing it, I had returned to my room. The pendant gone from my clutched fingers but a fine coating of dirt remained. Folken, too, was gone and I was alone once more. Unlike the others, he left no vague words of wisdom. He didn't need to; everything was different now. I had a purpose. I needed to get stronger and regain control over my powers. Powers I let run wild for far too long. I will return to Van, but I won't do it broken. I have to start healing these wounds on my own.

Remembering what grandmother said about the newest addition to Van's appearance, I had an idea. I needed something to remind myself about not only what I have overcome in the past, but what I could still overcome today. Something I could focus on and use to channel when the pressure became too great.

Later that same day, I lay on an upholstered table waiting. The machine buzzed on and nearly made me jump. The stranger I chose to spend the next couple of hours very close to chuckled lightly.

"Relax." His voice reminded me, even though it was easier said than done. "It takes longer if you fight it. Close your eyes and just breathe."

It's hard to be comfortable when you are embarrassed. Pants unbuttoned and folded over so that part of my panties are visible, shirt rolled up to my ribs, and hands nervously clutching the table.

"What if I don't like what I see when I close my eyes?" I ask, unsure.

The machine cuts off for a moment and in the silence I can feel him leaning closer. "Then choose to see something else." He stated simply, like it was the most basic thing in the world. "We all have scars. Some are easier to see then others, but it's all about how we choose to heal from them. If you don't like what you see, change your perspective." The machine starts again, but he patiently waits for me.

Just like what Varie made me do, not look at the action but the reaction. See things through another's eyes to gain better understanding.

"Okay, I'm ready now." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as the needle bit into tender flesh. Blood, death, and pain flashed through my mind so strongly I gasped but fought not to jerk or move. Choose to see something else. The smell of ash on the hot wind threatened to make my eyes water. Find a different perspective. Van.

Instead of ash I smell a field, wild and full of new life. Instead of blood I watch as he practices alone on the roof tops always striving to be better, stronger. Instead of death I see huge white wings bursting forth, glowing like a light in the darkness. Instead of pain I feel his thin yet strong arms wrap around me.

Before I even realize it, the machine cuts off. This time it's for good.

"I hope you didn't fall asleep." The man spoke, breaking the spell. I'm not on Gaia flying through the night sky with a raven haired boy, but laying on a table in a Tokyo tattoo parlor.

My hip stings, but this pain is good. This reminds me I am alive, and that now the healing can really begin.

"Go take a look in the long mirror and tell me what you think." The artist directs, and I obediently do as instructed.

The pale curve of my right hip is now and forevermore adorned with a single white feather longer then my hand. The thin black lines and grey shading show delicate contrast with the white highlights. It's just as I remember Van's feathers, fragile looking but with impossible strength. Though the skin appears raised and an angry red, I know that too will fade with time and healing.

"I love it." To me, it is not just a symbol that reminds me of Van, but that a curse to one person can be a blessing to another. There is true beauty in everything if we can just see it with unbiased eyes.

 **To Be Continue…**

 **A/N- There it is! I finally got to the original point of the story. It started as a stray thought "What could make Hitomi want or need a tattoo?" It's not in her to do something like that especially since many average Japanese still see Tattoos as signs of organized crime and less then reputable people. Hitomi never seemed to hold that prejudice but then she was still a relative good girl. Other people were welcomed to have tattoos but they weren't something she ever thought about, and definitely not for herself. One day I came upon an article about a Brazilian tattoo artist that chose to tattoo over scars victims received from domestic abuse, for free. She talked about the healing properties of tattoos and how they could have a transformative ability on both physical and emotional scars. That it was something small that could ultimately have a huge impact of self-image and give power back to a woman who had, had her own power ripped away. I found it very powerful. There are also countless stories of cancer survivors who tattoo over their scars. They want to prove that they are stronger than anything they could face and it wouldn't make them any less beautiful.**

 **I thought to implement these thoughts into Hitomi who suffered many non-visible scars. The war. Death. Being power-less to save so many including; Folken, Balgus, Naria, the Duke of Freid, even Zongi someone who wished her harm. Being asked to use her powers to contribute to a war that cut her so deeply. Now we have more scars; Yukari's accident and death, her parents and being cut off from any support, loneliness, fear of being a burden to others, and the overwhelming and uncontrollable powers. Hitomi needed to find herself beautiful again and find her own worth. She needs to be reminded of the girl who jumped a chasm to save a friend. She needed to find the girl that would warn a stranger of danger regardless of how they would treat her because of it. Hitomi had lost herself and this was one small step to unlocking the chains that have bound her so tightly.**

 **This is not the end of the story. There should be two more chapters and an epilogue. "Should be." Don't quote me on that though as it's not set until its written and posted.**

 **I know I've chatted a bit too much but I have one more thing to say.**

 **THANK YOU MEGHANNA! I am glad you like your little cameo. The baker's friend Megumi is Meghanna Starsong. I owe her so much more. She edited this chapter while moving cross country. Each night she stopped and worked on a few pages. Man after traveling all day I'd be useless and it means so much to me to that you want to help. Her work has made this so much better. I have self-edited so much in this past, but I wouldn't want to do this without Meghanna. Everyone should thank Meghanna since this would be a mess without her!**

 **Again thank you everyone for your awesome reviews and follows! I really hope you enjoyed this. Please stay tuned for the rest. I can't wait to hear what you think… even if you hate me for what happened to Yukari.**


	4. New Skin

**Woot! I'm so thankful for all the wonderful reviews. This story has evolved so much since the original idea and at this time it has grown again. Originally it was looking like a total of five chapters but that is no longer the case. I underestimated how much I still have to say. So plan on there being 6-7 chapters and an epilogue. Also I've felt that since starting this story I've spent a good bit of time on the line of what is interesting and what is too far. From the great response I feel as if I have done well to stay on the acceptable side without being too predictable. I was pretty convinced you all would hate me after what happened to Yukari.**

 **It makes me really happy that it is not the case. The reactions I am getting only help with my drive to keep writing more regularly. I should let you know that this is the chapter that's been in my head since the very beginning. The tone is different but I'll let you decide if you like it or not.**

 **Again a huge thanks to Meghanna Starsong for being my Beta. She has been amazing and I don't know what I would do without her. I am after all the queen of fragments and the master of run on sentences. Bow down to the lady of miss placed commas and the knight of misused words.**

 **More than Skin Deep**

 **Chapter 4- New Skin**

It's like waking up from a very long dream. I don't think I've ever been this determined in my life. Getting control over my powers also came with getting back in shape. The single-minded focus and drive just to move forward reminded me a lot of what I needed most at this time. Clearing my mind when I run often opens up room for me to be overwhelmed with images, feelings, or even memories. This was why I stopped in the first place; I couldn't handle it. When I quit track, it was because I had started a whole different kind of running. Avoidance doesn't make the problem go away.

Now instead of fighting the onslaught of information when I ran, I pushed past it all just as any athlete pushes through their limitations to reach a single goal. Pounding heart, surging adrenalin, quick breaths and burning lungs. I loved every second of it. It was a shock to find I could still love something that much. I could finally feel again.

Breathe in. Pause. Go!

Pavement blurring beneath my old running shoes, arms pumping rigidly as I move quickly down the narrow road. I run like a sprinter. It was just how I trained, so it would have been difficult to try and relearn everything. I fell into a steady rhythm. Always moving forward and letting everything else fade to background noise.

The married couple on the corner who always fight about whether they are arguing or not. The nice guy down the block who fears he'll never find love. The pretty girl who loathes when people tell her how pretty she is, but still craves their attention. The man who hates his job but loves his lifestyle. They used to overwhelm me just by getting passing glimpses of their lives, but now I run past it all mentally and physically. It is nothing more than a blur.

It's been a month since my midnight visitors showed me far more than the past, present, and future. They showed me how wrong I had been and how weak I had become. Most of all, they showed me that I had so much more left to my story. It was hard at first, but I refused to let myself give up. I wouldn't make the same mistake and get stuck like the last six years I wasted feeling sorry for myself. I was so afraid of being a burden to the people I care about that I pushed them away. In the long run, I could have used their support, but now I know it actually hurt everyone and not just myself.

Sweating but exhilarated, I round the corner and my apartment building comes into view, still standing. It would remain that way for many years to come.

Shortly after I decided to take my life back, I made an anonymous call to the building inspectors. I said that I was concerned about faulty wiring in the old complex and that I could smell something like burning plastic in the laundry room. The owner wasn't pleased by the surprise inspection, but that all changed as the report turned into evidence. It was a massive fire hazard, and the cost of repairs was remarkably less than fire damage or complete loss of property. It turns out I could still save lives.

My apartment is nearly empty, and my notice has been in for weeks already. Two small bags sit packed and ready by the door when I enter. Some clothes, my old tarot cards, photos of a life once lived, but not much else. If I make it in time I know I can adapt to life there with the help of friends, and I don't want to bring too much from this world. First, I don't actually _**need**_ a lot of things to survive and be happy. Second, you never know if taking something that they wouldn't have could affect things more in the long run.

After showering and dressing in comfortable yet decent looking clothes, I leave the apartment for one last task. My short hair still damp, I take the flight of stairs up one floor. Finding the right door, I know she is there before I knock, but I still hesitate. Taking a deep breath, I rap my knuckles lightly on the simple white door. I can hear movement right before it opens.

She's surprised to see me and almost drops the thick, hard-backed book in her hands. "Hitomi? Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine, Mako." Her eyes widened farther at the use of her name. "I just wanted to say good-bye."

"Are you moving?" She sets her book down on a shelf just inside the door and steps out with me still barefoot.

"Yes, I'm going to live with friends in the country. It's been a long time coming, and I think I'm ready for a change." I smile and know that for once it is real. She can tell too, and I can see the relief in her eyes.

"Well, I'm glad for you." I don't think we've ever been friends, but that was my fault pushing everyone away, especially the good ones I could hurt the most. "I've been thinking of moving, too. I heard about the building code violations and think it could have been a lot worse if the problems hadn't been found early. We were lucky, an old building like this could go up in flames pretty quickly."

"Very lucky." I agree, glad to have been able to at least change that future. "Before leaving I had to tell you thank you."

She looks slightly confused and humbly bows her head a fraction. "Oh, there isn't anything to thank me for."

"Yes, there is. Thank you for being nice to a lonely stranger. Thank you for worrying about me even if I didn't seem to care back. We may not have been friends, but I will always remember your kindness."

In the long run, this girl and I will only share a handful of memories, most of them barely civil. We could have been more, but it's not what either of us needed. She is better off without me in her life. I saw what would happen if I stayed and continued my reclusive ways. I would have ended up so afraid of human contact that I chose to die instead. I gave up on life, because it was too painful. I stopped fighting and that scarred this girl terribly.

I am not that person anymore, but I will never be the same girl I was before all this happened either. The point isn't to move backwards. I can't and won't be naive to the world, though I won't run from it either.

We say a brief yet friendly good bye where she wishes me luck and happiness. I can only wish her the same, but unlike her, I know that my wish will definitely come true. On the other hand, my future still has so many variables.

Will I be able to return to Gaia? Will I be welcomed? Will they still want me even as damaged as I still am? How will I cope with the memories in person? How will my newer stronger powers react to another interplanetary trip? Could he still love me?

I know Van would have returned for me in late June, which was in that timeline too late. I won't take any chances this time. If I wait too long, I could lose him. I'm not sure that I'm even capable of any kind of actual relationship. This is the only chance I have, though I could be robbing him of a happy family, even with a woman he won't love. What happens to soul mates when one is no longer in the equation?

I saw firsthand the reality of that future. The one left learns to live again, even if they cannot be with the person they had always dreamt of.

Could I find a way to live without him just to give Van the ability to be happy with someone else? I hope that I never have to answer that question.

Gathering my bags I set a box of items just outside what used to be my apartment door. I wrote "Free" clearly on the side and hope that people will take what they need and put the items to good use. It included things I know I won't need or don't want to risk taking with me: an electric rice cooker, some gently used pans, freshly washed blankets, an assortment of books and videos, even the unused umbrella I couldn't convince myself to throw out.

Now my hand hovers over the umbrella. Somehow, I know I'll need it but not how. Still, I hesitate since the metal and plastic object would be very alien to the people of Gaia. It also doesn't help that the top is made from transparent, glittery pink plastic. It had been an impulse buy I thought would help lift my mood but never actually used. No. Things will be fine without it. I'm sure of it.

Dropping my keys off in the manager's mailbox is the last step. No turning back now.

I've thought a lot about how this could work best. The first time the pillar touched down was to deliver Van into my path, quite literally, on the school track. This was followed shortly by a land dragon, of course. The next time was to take the prince back home and, incidentally, me as well. That happened at the shrine near school. When I returned during the war, I'm not sure exactly where I came back to, since I woke up in the nurse's office the day before the event. Van himself came for me at the track for the second time. After the war, I was returned only blocks from my house.

Aside from that last time, the school or shrine would seem to be the logical choice for my departure, but I don't think it actually has much to do with the physical location. My theory is that it's a combination of strong emotions and a rapidly pounding heart that calls the pillar. If this doesn't work, I can always hop a bus across town for the school.

Making sure my bags are strapped securely across my chest, I turn down the most deserted street on the block just as the sun begins to set. This is what I have been training for. I get into starting position, bent low, finger tips shoulder width apart and splayed on the uneven pavement. Closing my eyes, I reach out with my mind, searching for a feeling, something that would pinpoint anyone near enough to see. Nothing. This is as close to perfect as things will ever be.

 **Go!** I lunch myself forward, arms pumping, bags thudding awkwardly against my back, legs moving swiftly. When nothing happens right way, I don't give up hope. Instead, I push forward with renewed effort. **Faster! Harder! More!**

My heart is pounding, and sweat is beading on my heated skin. Still nothing but a fast sprint. I won't give up! Suddenly, I sense a couple walking this way. Our paths will cross and they could see something. **No, I won't stop! Van, wait for me!**

The fine hairs on the back of my neck stand up moments before the power surges through me. The light is incredibly bright as it crackles around me. Running is no longer necessary as my feet drift off the ground weightlessly. My heart continues to pound with the rhythmic surge shooting upwards, faster and faster into the cloudless sky.

It's exactly as I remember it. As soon as my feet touch down on long grass, I know I've made it. Then again, I would have just kept trying even without a conduit like the pendant. I didn't seem to need it after everything.

The remaining light dissipates into the dark sky. Here the clouds are thick and threatening as they obscure the two moons, but I know they are there without a doubt. My senses stretch out impossibly far, not hindered by city noise and countless people. I can feel the farms speckled here and there like stars in the sky. Farther out, I can almost hear the thousands of heartbeats that make up a sprawling city built in between steep cliff faces. It is the capital and only actual city in Fanelia. The town of Arzaz is closer but in the other direction. I'll walk all night if I have to, but I only want to move forward now. That decision was easy to make as I head for the road and the strong pulse of life it leads to.

I've only been walking for a short time when I think of the umbrella left behind. Before I can even question where the stray thought came from, a bright flash of lightning breaks free from the thick clouds. It is followed quickly by a loud clap of thunder. Drops of cold water begin to fall, slow at first but picking up at an alarming pace. I'll be soaked through in minutes at this rate.

My eyes are drawn back to the blanket of clouds as I squint against the heavy raindrops. The next bolt of lightning illuminates a dark form much too big to be a bird. He saw the pillar of light despite the worsening weather. I should be scared he'll get struck flying in a storm as bad as this, but I know he will be alright. He has to be.

As the flying form grows closer, I can tell he is struggling against the inclement weather. Van touches down with a few stumbling steps in my direction, though he comes to a complete stop with a few meters still between us. The rain sodden wings look ruffled, but seem much larger than in the past.

I guess they had to grow along with the rest of him. I have just missed Van's birthday by a few weeks. At twenty-one he is no longer the boy I once knew. In both visions he spent most of the time sitting, so I couldn't really tell how tall he had become. Now he towers over me and I feel almost petite, something I had never felt in my entire life.

His shorter hair lay plastered to his forehead, dripping into those deep mahogany eyes I have missed more than anything. Van didn't even seem to notice any discomfort. We just stood there in the rain staring at each other, as if any movement would make this all less real. Neither of us was sure of the next move.

"Van, it's been a long time." As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt silly. Of course it's been a long time. Six years passed, and five of those happened after I cut our connection. Time where I was just gone. Time where he had to make decisions that had nothing to do with me. Time where he was pressured into looking for a wife. Time where he never gave up on me, although he was the only one.

Even in the stormy darkness, the flash of his lopsided smile warmed me like watching a beautiful sunrise, Rare and pure. I suddenly didn't mind being the awkward one.

"It has." He agreed simply, though I could feel his emotions so strongly. For once it didn't bother me. Excited, nervous, relieved, unsure, happy, and even a bit confused. All these things he felt with a calm outward demeanor.

"I'm back for good if you still…if you still want that." I stumble over the words, suddenly scared that things have changed too much for us to start over.

Then I was wrapped unexpectedly in his strong arms. The sweep of his wings protected us from ever falling rain like a canopy of feathers.

"Welcome home." The fabric of his shirt was cold against my face, but the whisper he spoke into my hair warmed me through in seconds. Even soaked from the heavy spring rain, his scent still fills my senses.

"I'm home." I sigh in relief, gripping the dripping fabric tightly. Wait a second! His wings are out and yet the shirt seems to have survived in one piece. I pull away, looking up into his face still holding to the sodden cloth. "Your shirt. How is it not shredded?"

He chuckled and I found the rumble in his chest almost intoxicating. We were so close. "I am near enough to kiss Hitomi, and you want to know about my shirt?"

Embarrassed, I duck my face slightly. I wouldn't deny a kiss from him, but the burning in my cheeks makes me shy. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like the naive girl that was first swept away.

"Sorry," I mumble and that only seems to amuse him farther.

He steps back from me and all at once I am cold. Goosebumps crawl over my soaked skin. I had almost forgotten that rain still poured quite heavily. With a sigh, his wings start to disintegrate into a cloud of sopping feathers that drop heavily to the grass. Once free of the massive forms, Van turns to show me the back of his red shirt. Two long slits start below the collar and stop about halfway down. Being wet, they stick, showing gaps of smooth tanned skin. When they are dry, they must overlap just enough to look like seams or pleats. A very smart design he could have used during the war. These days I doubt he has as much use for his wings as we did back then.

"Merle came up with the idea." He turned back towards me with a thoughtful smile, and I knew his mind was on the Neko waiting back at the palace. "I don't need it much these days, but she had all my undershirts made this way. Better to have and not need, than need and not have. Her word, not mine."

"No one ever said Merle wasn't smart," I agree. Often she saw things before the rest of us. Being young didn't make her any less clever, though sometimes not always the easiest person to deal with.

A shiver crawled up my spine and my nose twitched. With an unladylike sneeze, I am yet again embarrassed, though if I just had enough time to cover my mouth.

"We should get out of the rain before you become ill," he states. I notice Van is only worried about me getting sick, and that makes me wonder if he can catch a cold at all. I've seen him injured plenty of times during the war but never sick or feverish.

"The rain will continue all night, so flying is probably out." I watch to see if he is surprised that I know when the rain will let up. I didn't know it would rain when I chose tonight to come. Or did I? Something made me want to bring an umbrella, but I pushed it down as nonsense. It seems I still haven't learned to listen to my powers.

"The closest farm is just to the east," he states knowingly and holds his hand out to me.

For a moment, I am at a loss and realize he wants my bags. Not being waterproof, my luggage is soaked through and heavy. Still, I don't want him to carry my things. Van is a king after all. Instead, I place my hand in his. Not what he was asking for, but it still pleases him. I think it might work out for the best.

Images flash through my mind, but I don't fight them. I let them tell their story in passing. I don't allow myself to become overwhelmed with each time Van reached for my hands or the occasions I reached for him. There are more memories than I had thought. Being at his side had become second nature so long ago. I wonder if it can be like that with us even after all this time.

We've been walking in silence while my mind processed the images. Accepting the power helps to keep me from being overwhelmed. I still have fully immersive visions, but those are far fewer and tend to be a lot more coherent. Even though I am seeing the past, I can also tell where I happen to be walking and what is going on around me. It's like watching two different shows, but instead of them being on different screens, they are played one over the top of the other. It used to be more confusing, but I find it easier to tell what is actually happening and what is being shown to me.

The rain continues to fall in thick sheets. By the time the farmhouse is in view, we are almost to the front door. I pull Van to a stop by our connected hands.

"What's wrong, Hitomi?" He seems more worried about me than the fact that he, the king of Fanelia, is about to wake up this farmer and his family while looking half drowned.

"It doesn't feel right bothering them this late." Part of my reluctance is from embarrassment. I already know what they will assume of us together. On the other hand, I want a few more moments of just us before we have to deal with other people. I'm still not sure it's something that I can handle no matter how good my control has become this last month.

"What other options do we have?" Van scoffs and I know he thinks me crazy, again. "It's not safe to continue back on foot, and this weather prevents any faster travel."

I free my hand from his grasp as my temper flares, something I haven't had the energy for in a very long time. Getting angry means caring, and caring used to hurt. This time it feels good, like an ember buried deep in ashes reigniting.

"Maybe I don't want to share my time with you just yet!" The moment the words escape, my hands fly up as if trying to cram the traitorous thoughts back into my mouth.

Eyes wide under rain plastered hair, Van looks so young in that moment. I've shocked him and not in a bad way. Wordlessly, he grabs my hand once more and starts leading me away from the farmhouse.

"Where are we going?" Confused and still a bit shy, I try to pull away from his grip. He is so much stronger than me, and yet he is still being careful not to hurt me. "Van, where are you dragging me?"

"Sorry." Van doesn't stop, but his pace slows and his grip relaxes slightly. "If you don't mind staying in a barn, it should at least be warm and dry. We can wait out the storm there before continuing to the palace."

Through his explanation, Van hasn't turned to look at me. As I can see his ears burning, I can also accurately guess that his cheeks might be scarlet to match. I stop fighting and jog slightly to catch up with his longer strides.

"A barn is fine." I squeeze his hand reassuringly. "We've stayed in worse places. I'm not too proud to ever turn down shelter." What I don't say is, _"As long as it's with you."_ Neither of us are the same people we were back then, and though that is not necessarily bad, it also complicates things.

How much of what I feel is for the boy he used to be? Can he still love me even as I am now? Will he ask me to use my powers when he finds out how strong they have become? Can I even handle the intimacy of a relationship? Will Van lose his chance at happiness by gambling on me?

I try to push all these questions out of my mind, but they are reluctant to leave, like unwanted guests that will never truly go away.

The barn is large and in good condition. It speaks volumes about the care and attention of a people made prosperous by hard work. If this is common among the farmers, then it is easy to tell that Van's dedication to his people has paid off. He slides the door open just enough for us to enter before closing it once more, blocking out the rain.

Dripping on the clean straw that coats the freshly swept floor, I am at a loss. What now? All my clothing has to be about as wet as what I have on now. Even if I had something dry to wear, nothing I own would fit Van. Years ago, we weren't that different in size and stature, both of us more athletic than was typically considered beautiful. He is no longer that lanky youth. Instead, he has grown into a powerfully built man, broad shoulders and a toned form. I now know what it feels like to be in those arms, and it churns so many emotions that I had forgotten how to feel until now.

Van isn't the only one who has changed. I'm no longer stuck between adolescence and adulthood. I may not have taken the best care of myself until recently, but with regular sleep, better eating habits, and a strong fitness routine, I have started to become the woman I should have been. My hair is still short, though it is expertly cut this time. The biggest change would have to be the addition of curves I never had before. The downside is having to wear two sports bras before going for a run.

While I wonder about useless things, Van has been inspecting our temporary shelter. Most of the stalls are full of well fed and cared for livestock, thankfully sleeping through the storm. The smell of their warm bodies is strong but not unpleasantly so. As far as places to stay go, it could be far worse.

Rungs of a ladder are built into the back wall. I watch as Van nimbly scales up and out of sight, if only for a moment. His hair looks wilder than ever as he peeks over the side of the loft.

"There are dry blankets up here stored with some of the gear." He smiles triumphantly.

"I'm coming," I call up softly, careful not to be too loud and wake the animals. The ladder is rough but well-worn, and I see the farmer's thoughtful features briefly. He looks kind, but I'd rather not have to face him for trespassing.

Near the top, Van holds his hand out and pulls me up the rest of the way. I could have climbed up easily, but the nice gesture makes me feel special.

"Thank you." I tried not to blush or focus on the strength so effortlessly. I don't know what the rest of the loft looks like. He is still standing so close that I can't focus on anything except for the large hand still holding mine and how much I want to embrace him. I shouldn't feel this way about someone I haven't seen in years, but I do and something in his fathomless eyes says he is thinking the same thing.

"It's nothing." His voice, low and smooth, sends another shiver down my spine but not from the cold. Misinterpreting the slight shudder, Van steps away to retrieve a blanket from a stack.

I take the thick, woven material gratefully. It's an animal blanket, faded and worn from use, but it smells fresh so I don't mind at all. Wordlessly, he turns away to give me privacy. Peeling the dripping fabric off feels like a relief. I hadn't realized how uncomfortable I was until the clothing hit the ground with a splat. Beginning to dry myself starting at my legs and working upwards, I noticed Van still hadn't moved to change out of his wet things. He froze like a statue of bronzed skin and inky black hair.

"Why don't you get… dry too?" I almost said undressed and caught myself before the words came out sounding worse than intended.

"I'm fine," he grunts, staring straight at the plank wall as if it was a great work of art needing careful study.

"Don't be childish, Van," I huffed. I started to dry my hair, which left the rest of me bare to the stuffy air. "I know you're soaked, too. So if you want, I can turn around as well."

"That's not it." I watch his hands clench as though he were holding back something. If he doesn't want me to see him, then why would he be so afraid to move?

It clicked then.

"You just don't want to catch a glimpse of me?" His jaw tightens, telling me I struck the bullseye. "Van, I never said I'd mind."

My face heated at the forwardness, but we aren't children anymore. It's not like I am fully naked either; I still wear my bra and underwear even though they remain damp. The words take a moment to sink in, and the moment that Van realizes what I have said, he spins around out of shock. The look on his face is priceless, like I have slapped him, again.

It's a few long moments before we both seem to notice that he is openly staring at my almost naked body. Flustered, he looks straight up at the sloping roof quickly, and I hurriedly wrap myself in the now damp blanket.

"Sorry," we said together, which startles a laugh out of me.

"It's okay." Checking that my makeshift toga was secure, I walk back up to him. "It came out sounding worse than I meant it to. What I should have said was, ' _Don't mind me and just dry off yourself_.' I know you won't try to do anything perverted."

He looks at me with a fire burning deep in his molten eyes. "I couldn't promise anything right now."

Heat surged through me. I am suddenly torn between becoming a stuttering, flustered girl and wanting to be the woman that finds out exactly what he meant by that. Instead, I bite my lip, as if it could keep me from saying something wrong in this moment. His eyes drop to my mouth, and I want him to kiss me more than anything.

Van staggers back a step as if drunk. "I should… I can… I might need to… to change." He stumbles over the words pathetically.

I want to hide my disappointed yet still blushing face. I choose to pretend that I'm not as intoxicated by the moment as he has been. "I swear, I won't look while you change." I can't help smiling at the quirk of his lips.

"You better not, pervert," Van teases, and the tension between us melts a bit more.

As much as I do want to peek with each sound of wet fabric hitting the floor, I have to keep my word and myself occupied. Unzipping the smaller of my two bags, I find exactly what I had feared, a sodden mess. The other bag would be worse as it was all clothes, but I had hoped a few things in here would have survived. The few books inside are a lost cause as well as the CD player, but what saddens me most is the water damaged pages of my photo album. My memories before everything turned sour. My days when I was a happy, normal child and then teenager. My family that once loved me. My best friend before I destroyed her.

It was all gone just like in real life, quickly destroyed by my thoughtless action and lost forever.

A large, rough hand gently touches my arm. Van kneels silent and concerned by my side. Wiping furiously at my traitorous eyes with the back of my hand, I know I can't pretend that everything is okay. "Something that meant a lot to me was damaged by the rain. I shouldn't have brought it."

"Yes, you should have," he stated simply. "Hitomi, if you had left it behind, it would always be a regret of yours. Don't give up so soon. We can dry it out and see if anything can be saved."

Miraculously the flashlight I brought still works, and the yellowed light glows, illuminating a circle for us to see. We sit in companionable silence, each of us wrapped in borrowed animal blankets, our hands separating pictures carefully to be laid out to dry. Some are simply trash, but a few might be salvageable, including the picture taken after a track meet. It took me far too long to realize how Yukari felt, how she loved Amano but still encouraged me to be with him. She always thought of my feelings first, and in the end, that cost her more than she could ever have known.

It helps having Van by my side. I wonder what Yukari would think if she had a chance to get to know him. His presence has changed so much since I first met the arrogant, brash, stubborn prince. The only thing that has stayed the same is the stubborn part.

I guess the same could be said for me, too. Neither of us could have stayed like that, naïve and innocent. Our worlds, both of them, are too harsh in reality for such sentiments to survive for long. Van had a far harder road during the war, but he grew so much and has continued on to become a strong, compassionate, dedicated King.

Could the same be said for me? Am I a better person for the trials I've faced? Do I deserve to be by his side?

Van clears his throat as we finish our task, surrounded by colorful photos in various stages of being warped and disfigured.

"Do you have a tattoo now?" His voice is low, and I can't quite read the emotions hidden within.

"I do." I'm not sure how good of a look he got earlier, but it is part of me forever. It's best to get any questions out of the way now. "Does it bother you?"

He looks slightly startled. "Not at all. I have tattoos as well."

"I know." I smile, seeing the blue diamonds in the artificial light. "Yours are an old Fanelian tradition worn only by the Warrior Kings."

"That's right." He looks only mildly shocked by my knowledge, and I give him credit for not asking how I knew something he never told me. "Can I see it?"

"You want to see my tattoo?" I question, kind of hoping to not have to strip again tonight.

"Unless it bothers you," He backtracks, probably remembering that the brief glimpse he got earlier was in a private place, or close to.

"No, it's okay." Carefully, I shift onto my knees facing him and lift only the corner of the blanket nearest to the tattoo. There is no way to expose the artwork without also showing more skin than a first date allows. I am able to stay mostly covered as the black, grey, and white mark comes into view.

"Is that my feather?" Van asks, sounding amazed.

"It is." I nod with a smile, thinking of how it has helped me focus my mind just as I had hoped it would. "I needed a reminder that what is a curse to one person can be a blessing to another. Your wings and my powers. We've both been hurt by our own curse but saved by the other."

Tentatively, he reaches the small distance between us, silently asking permission to trace the delicate line adorning my hip.

"It's fine. I've only had it for a month." The light touch of his rough fingertips sends an electric charge through my veins. I'm sure even he feels it as we both gasp in unison.

Light filters in through wide windows as I sit on the edge of a thick down mattress. Van kneels before me, his hands on either side of my stomach. The skin is bare and stretched taunt with the being growing within. His eyes closed and face fully at peace, the king before me smiles, feeling his child's strong movements.

I jerk back to reality and out of his reach, dropping the edge of fabric to cover me once more. The strength of this vision shouldn't surprise me, but it does. It came so suddenly, with the slightest touch, but still it lingers at the edges of my consciousness.

What do I tell Van? That he will be a wonderful father. That he will love me and our children with a strength more powerful than any battle he ever fought. That I'm not ready to be a mother. That I don't know if I can handle the intimate contact with another soul. That it doesn't have to be me; he'd love any family he creates.

I saw how happy he could have been with Eva. No, he wouldn't ever love her the way he would me, but they might create something that wouldn't cause constant pain. That's what it would do to me the way I am right now. I'd feel every scraped knee. I'd smother the poor child with protection and fear. It's one thing to hide from the world, but to be unable to connect with my own blood would kill something in me.

What if our child was like me? What if they were tormented by visions and emotions? What if they learned to fear their own ever growing feelings and how they twisted the people around them?

"I'm sorry." Van's voice draws me out of my churning thoughts. He feels as though he overstepped and that's why I'm pulling away, closing myself off.

"It's not you." I can't bring myself to tell him how hard these last few years have been. That I've just barely dragged myself up from the darkness. How raw the internal scars I carry are. "I still see things. The pendant didn't take my powers away when I gave it to you. If anything, they got worse, and I've just started to get them back under control."

"Do you want your necklace back?" He makes to remove the only thing resting on his bare chest.

"No, you keep it, Van." Without thinking, my hand reaches out on its own, stopping him. "I need to be stronger on my own. That's all. Can we take things slow?"

The innocent pink stone drops back to rest contented against his smooth, tanned skin. It belongs with him. I know if I ever ask he'll give it back without hesitation, but I'm not sure how happy it would be with me.

"We have a lot to learn about each other." The shadows clear from his earnest eyes. "I won't pressure you into anything. For now, just having you back is enough for me."

Pushing the lingering remnants of my vision away, I can only nod.

"We should get some rest while our clothes dry. It's been a long night." Van stands. The clean line of his toned thigh shows with the movement, making me remember how close to naked we are. He moves with purpose, the muscles rippling just below tan skin as he lays a few more blankets on some of the clean straw.

With what looks like practiced ease, Van almost tosses himself onto the makeshift bed. I don't know if he is being playful or just thickheaded. Standing carefully, I pad over softly. Unlike him, I ease cautiously onto the uneven pile, sitting as far away as the blankets will allow. He lays confidently on his back with arms crossed and partially obscured by wild drying black hair. His eyes have closed in what appears to be sleep, but it doesn't fool me for a minute.

"What did you do about the marriage contract with the Princess from Cesario?" I watch as his whole form tenses a moment. I shouldn't know anything about it, but then again that would be normal, and I'm far from normal.

"I never signed it." The air seemed to change between us. His eyes open, appearing deeper than ever as they study me for my reaction.

Instead of saying anything, I click the flashlight off and in the sudden darkness shift closer. Laying down, I curve myself against his lean side, resting my head on his chest in relief. In this moment, it is just Van and me. The world keeps turning, but right now everything is still. He shifts slightly, and I feel one last blanket settle over us comfortingly.

"Good night, Van." My eyes have already begun to droop with exhaustion and lulled by the rhythmic beat of his heart.

Drowsy as I am, I just barely feel rough fingers gently brushing hair away from my face. "Good night, Hitomi." He breaths softly, and the warmth carries me the rest of the way into oblivion.

 **To Be Continued…**

 **A/N- NAKED!**

 **I'm being silly, but that was a lot of fun to write. I'm raring to get to work on the next chapter. I might be soon you never know… or I could blow myself up while using the smoker at work… again. Funny story and no one has noticed the lack of hair on my right arm. I was talking really loud after the boom but that wore off along with the headache. The saddest thing of all is how much I loved that smoker.**

 **Anyways are you all glad Van and Hitomi are finally reunited. I had so much fun making an older more mature, but still awkward with feelings King of Fanelia. This is not the end of the story either. Be prepared for more; unusual interactions, visions, personal questions, inner turmoil, and yes nudity. Don't kill me… you love me… because I love you… anyways the smoker already tried. Boom.**

 **This is why Meghanna only gets to edit the version without intro or author's note. No one can stop the crazy! I should really stop eating the churro cupcakes… but they are so yummy and full of sugar.**


	5. Fresh Bruises

**Hello my Loves! I'm very happy to have another chapter ready and raring to go for you. I want to thank all the reviewers. You and your well thought out comments have really been the highlight for me. As much as I am enjoying writing this story for what it is you really do brighten my day, and I find myself reading each review several times with a smile on my face. I know if I ever am having a bad day your thoughts and care are right there waiting for me.**

 **I normally try to send PM responses (How I've become good friends with a lot of other amazing people of the years). I've been super busy and not everyone is a member that leaves a great review. I have written comments in the next chapter in some of my stories, but these entries are becoming pretty long on their own, and I don't want to take away from the story, why you are here after all. So I want to do a quick thank you to everyone who has reviewed up to this point.**

 **Thank you so much! -** **La Beckinator, pinkdynamite, picimadar, Miniclio, bluetreeleaves, dinkycharlie, Mageblood, Meghanna Starsong, Varya19, cesi1, witchfingers, zephakitara, and Guest.**

 **There have been some strong requests, extremely good feedback, and positive suggestions. To the request for more nudity- Yes! Feedback- I love Van's tattoos too. Also, the awkward but lovely relationship is some of my favorite parts to write. Suggestion- More interaction with Merle… Done! It has been added to the outline for the next chapter and I think it really adds some extra depth I was missing. Thank you.**

 **Look for more rambling at the bottom.**

 **More Than Skin Deep**

 **Chapter 5- Fresh Bruises**

I wake all at once, eyes shooting open and body tense. It takes a moment to get my bearings and realize it wasn't just a dream this time. My head lay cradled on Van's bare arm, and we have turned towards each other in our sleep, fitting together like missing pieces of a puzzle. Thankfully, he is still dead to the world as our blankets have slipped loose during the night, forming a very warm cocoon of coarse fabric and touching skin.

I've never been in this compromising of a situation before, but nothing happened. Well, if you consider nothing as returning in time for a rain storm, wet clothes, seeking shelter in a barn, some embarrassing moments for the both of us, comparing tattoos, and a very real vision of being pregnant. Nope. Nothing happened last night.

Confused thoughts sit heavily in my mind. I'm not ready to be a mother, and I wonder if we really do love each other or just cling to the feelings of our past selves. The rest of my mind is being occupied by one single train of thought. I'm almost naked with a naked man, and any minute the farmer will be checking the barn and livestock to see how they fared through last night's storm.

What the **hell** am I going to do?!

Once caught like this, no one will believe anything but the obvious, even if it isn't true. We have to get dressed before the owner of this loft finds us.

First, I try to escape from Van's sleeping embrace, but that only causes his brow to furrow and him to hold on to me tighter. He shifts, pressing our bodies together intimately in his sleep. Oh, he better be asleep and not faking, because something is pressing against my bare stomach that is about to get him into a lot of trouble. I have to wake him up now, and with the limited time we have, it won't be gentle.

My arms are unable to move much, trapped as they are to his solid chest. I can only just twist my wrist around enough to grab a chunk of flesh in the middle of my index finger and thumb, pinching and twisting hard enough to bruise.

I don't know what I expected to happen. Possibly for Van to yelp in pain and wake up jerking away from me. What I got instead is so quick my head spins along with the world. A world made up of dangerously flashing maroon eyes as I am suddenly flipped onto my back. His impossibly strong form pinning me to the floor. All thoughts that constantly run through my mind go blank. I'm afraid.

His eyes are still clouded in a dream or with memories, I'm not sure which has him trapped and battle ready. I've never thought Van would hurt me before no matter what had happened. Now I'm not so sure. This isn't the same man who brushed hair tenderly from my face as I fell asleep. This is the warrior that killed easily, revenge and bloodlust controlling his every move.

I try to free my hands and put space between us, but he only grips my wrists tighter, the weight of him on my hips restraining any other attempt at escape. I should be mortified by the intimate contact, but instead I only feel worry, not for myself but for him.

"Van, it's just me." I speak softly, trying to reach him with soothing words.

It works. His eyes clear with recognition. Van comes back to himself in sudden realization. Shame painted clearly across his face. He scrambles off me and into a kneeling position that would leave nothing to the imagination if I didn't look away so quickly.

I move just enough to sit up, pulling the tangled fabric to cover my chest. With my other hand, I fumble for another discarded blanket and toss it in his direction. I hear it hit Van with a soft thud, but I still am not quite sure I can look at him. Now that the moment has passed, I can only remember the feel of him pressed against me with so little between us.

Van would never hurt me. I know that, but right now everything is telling me that something entirely different could have happened. If things were different, I know I wouldn't have said no. They aren't though, and as much as my body wants more, the rest of me isn't so sure.

"Hitomi, I'm so sorry." Voice still rough with sleep and filled with regret, Van hasn't moved.

"No, don't apologize. I'm fine." I shake my head, hoping he won't see the heat still coloring my cheeks. "I should have woken you more gently."

"I could never forgive myself if I hurt you." His voice is thick with regret. I wanted to hold him and soothe the pain away, but I feared what I would see if I touched him right now. What could have trapped his mind so tightly that the warrior returned, if only for a few short moments?

Instead, I move to where our clothes had been spread out to dry at the edge of the loft. I pull the stiff, wrinkled fabric up, glad to get it before the farmer arrived. The bright red of Van's shirt hanging over the edge would have been a beacon pointing right to our location.

After pulling on my shirt and pants, I feel so much better, as if the barrier of cloth helps to shield the more fragile side of me. I leave my shoes and socks by the ladder, walking the few extra steps to take Van his things.

"Here. Get dressed. I had to wake you up quickly, because the farmer is coming out to check for storm damage." He looks up at me, and the hurt in his deep eyes still hasn't faded. "Look, I'm wrong for the way I did it, so everything is my fault. I don't blame you for reacting like that. To be honest, I would have reacted worse, so let's just forget about it and move on."

Instead of taking the offered clothes Van grips my wrist, much softer than last time, but I still wince. "I did hurt you." He drops my hand as if it burned him, and I know he is falling down that rabbit hole of self-doubt prematurely.

Dropping the dry clothes, I kneel in front of him, glad the blanket is covering his lower half. None of that matters right now. Only the hurt haunting his mahogany eyes concerns me. I grab his face firmly between both hands so he can't look away.

" **Hey!** You don't get to run away if I can't." That has his attention. Though I see flashes of bloody battle fields, I push them to the edges and focus on Van's earnest, regretful face. "This will take time, since we both have scars. Van, what I feel for you surpasses reason. I know you feel the same way. You won't hurt me, and I can't promise the same. If you don't want this, now is the time to tell me, because I'm falling fast."

He closes the distance between us, and I don't want to pull back even though I know I should. His calloused hand caressing the side of my face is as gentle as the hesitant brush of his lips. "Then we fall together." The words spoken softly are just slightly more than warm air between us.

I can feel the farmer getting closer, the warning bells ringing louder than any alarm clock in my ears. Instead of stopping, I return the kiss, adding my heat to what is growing between us. Van's stubble is rough like sandpaper, but I find I don't mind as much as I thought I would. My hands drop from his face to the heated flesh of his firmly muscled chest.

It is Van who pulls back first. With a shaky breath, he reminds me of our predicament. "I thought you were worried about being found out. Do I need to remind you that I am not dressed for company?"

The slight joke makes me smile despite myself. "The good news is we forgot to close the gate last night, and that has slowed the farmer down. The bad news is he knows for sure that someone is here."

"So, getting dressed would be a good idea then." His lopsided smile tells me that he isn't taking this seriously, not that I can blame him. Van's reputation isn't the one that could be ruined in an instant. Honestly, his people might get a thrill out of the whisper of a scandal from their honest, dedicated, warrior king. I, on the other hand, would either look like a tramp trying to lure a royal husband or a foolish plaything who can't see she is being used.

"This looks worse for me, Van." I stand up, brushing hay from my pants. "I can't believe you don't care about the assumptions people will make." Turning away, I focus on gathering the other items we left out to dry last night. Most of the pictures are beyond help, but the handful with little damage makes me a bit less mad. If it weren't for Van's suggestion, I might have left the pictures in the soaked album. It really would have been a complete loss then.

"Sorry." Van's voice sounds just the right amount of regretful and thoughtful. "You were thrashing in your sleep and kicked everything away. You only calmed down when I held you."

I know we don't have any time left for delays, but that makes me pause. I don't remember dreaming or having another vision last night. Did I say anything in my sleep? Can he tell how powerful my abilities have become? Have the powers gotten stronger again?

It brings another blush to my cheeks that Van held me through the night and that it calmed me even when I was completely unconscious. I try not to think of it too hard, but I can't help that I want to memorize what waking up next to him felt like before reality settled back in. It might be a long time before we are that close again, although that might be for the best. It doesn't make me any happier though.

I continue to re-stuff my bag as the barn door opens with a bang. The noise makes me jump despite the fact that I knew it would happen. The animals below shift restlessly.

" **Who's hiding in here?!** " A gravelly voice calls from below, and I don't doubt he has some sort of weapon ready to protect his property.

Van is dressed and beside me with smooth, silent movements. He touches a finger to his mouth in a command for me to stay quiet. He plans on going down first to defuse any issues and ensure my safety. With a snort, I shove my bag into his arms instead. Before he can stop me, I have already started for the open space by the ladder.

"Sir, please pardon the intrusion." I stand at the edge of the loft, making sure he can see my empty hands in a sign that I am unarmed and non-aggressive.

"What are you doing up there?" He demands. Some of the defensiveness has left his stance. The scythe used for harvesting crops drops into a more relaxed position in his grip. A lone woman in trousers might be an odd sight, but I don't look dangerous. The same can't be said for Van. I'm sure this man would recognize his King eventually, but people only see what they expect to. I seriously doubt anyone dreams of finding their sovereign sleeping in their hayloft.

"My friend and I were caught in the storm while traveling to the capital last night." I explain with what I hope is an open, honest expression. "It was late, and we just needed somewhere dry to rest. I apologize for any way we might have inconvenienced you."

"Come down slowly." He orders evenly. "Your friend, too."

We are trespassing so the farmer remains weary, but he has a soft spot for people in need. I don't have to have physical contact to know that during the war he freely opened his property to refugees, so this is far from the first time strangers have slept in his barn. That much the building showed me last night. Also during the reconstruction, he donated everything from food and clothing to lumber at no cost to help his fellow Fanelians. He won't turn us away, but that doesn't mean he should trust us blindly either. Smart man.

I take the smaller bag and slip on my shoes, stuffing the socks in my pocket as not to waste any extra time. Van doesn't look happy with my decision, he but straps the larger bag on his back and waits for me to go first. He pauses long enough for me to reach the bottom of the ladder before he starts down. No words pass between us and the silence holds so many things.

I know the moment the farmer gets his first good look at Van, as the sharp edged tool raises again with the expectation of trouble. It's clear without looking what he sees; a tall, powerfully built man moving as only warriors do, with deadly grace and confidence.

"It's alright. We mean no harm." I step calmly between the older man and the ladder with my hands still out. "My name is Hitomi. I'm moving to the capital. My friend came to meet me, but we couldn't finish the trip during that rain storm."

I could tell he was doing the math. One unmarried woman, plus one young man, equals the assumption that we did a lot more than sleep in the hay. My cheeks heat, and I can feel Van move to stand by me. If he casually touches me or takes my hand right now the whole of Fanelia will know by this time tomorrow.

"Does your friend have a name, or would you rather his wife not find out how he spent last night?" Van stiffens beside me, and though he is trying not to get angry at the farmer, I can sense it isn't working. Something tells me that we aren't the first couple he's chased from the hayloft.

"No wife to worry about." I try to joke and fail. This would have been simpler if I had just lied and said I was married to Van from the start. Of course, that would have turned messy once the king was revealed, which will be the moment the man opens his mouth.

"Van." His voice seems low and dangerous. I assume this is what advisors that question him hear regularly. I give the farmer points for not being phased by the darkness that one word could promise. "Van Slanzar de Fanel."

The Neko's out of the bag now. Why did I hope we could just apologize again and walk away before the world found out? Saying his full name is like a declaration of war.

It takes a moment to sink in, and I see the older man's eyes dart between all the signs that this is in fact his king. An unique teal and gold sheathed sword at his hip, bright red tunic, blue diamonds tattooed on his upper arm, and wild raven hair not helped by being slept on wet. The scythe clatters uselessly to the ground from slack fingers.

Before he can drop to his knees in front of his sovereign I stop the poor man. "It's alright. Van is only angry because he feels my honor needs defending, but as you meant no disrespect, I don't see a reason for us to focus on it." I try to defuse the situation and pray that Van will revert to his _man of the people_ demeanor quickly. "It was just a simple misunderstanding after all."

"No disrespect intended Lady-" He trailed off. Though he spoke to me, his eyes haven't left the dark man beside me.

"Hitomi." Van finished for him. I can feel the ice melting slightly. It's already been a taxing day and it has just begun.

This farmer may have started by assuming wrong about the pair trespassing on his property, but he wasn't stupid. The clues all fit into place. He's heard about a woman with short hair dressed oddly in the close company of the King of the Fanelia. It could only be the mysterious seer from the Mystic Moon. Oh, yes, my cover is blown too.

I can feel something dragging at my attention like cold skeletal hands clawing mercilessly at my clothes. Goosebumps cover my arms and neck in seconds. The chill creeping up my spine is like nothing I've ever felt before.

All the while Van has reverted to his normal, more personable self; the king that rebuilt Fanelia with his own two hands and stood next to his people the whole time. He explained the situation again to which the Farmer assured him that we would have been more than welcomed in the house, like guests not outlaws hiding in the barn. We are invited to eat the morning meal with his family, but Van politely turns this downs saying that we need to return to the palace. We've been gone too long as it is.

The men may be talking comfortably, but I see dark blood dripping from the farmer's mouth. To my vision, the stalls are empty and the walls burn around us. Rafters crackling, embers falling, choking smoke filling the air with acrid fumes.

I can't move. I can't speak. The heat is so intense.

Then it's all gone. The barn is cool in the morning air, and stalls filled with healthy animals waiting for the daily routine to start. Van's hand, wearing his gloves once more, gently touches my arm, his eyes concerned. He knows I just had another vision. I'm grateful he doesn't say anything out loud, but that doesn't keep the farmer from watching us intently.

"Hitomi?"

"I… I think we should stay for breakfast. I'm hungry… if it isn't a problem." The words are hard to force out of my dry mouth.

He turns back to our host. "If the invitation is still open?"

The farmer quickly reassures him that it won't be anything fancy, but we would honor him and his family by sharing a meal with them. He turns to lead us towards the house. My eyes linger on the discarded tool, its sharp edge catching the light despite laying on the packed dirt floor. I walk slower, but Van matches my pace, letting the distance grow between us and this kind man who will be dead in only a few hours.

We aren't alone, but this is as close to it as will happen right now. "What did you see?" Van asks, his voice low and soft enough so only I hear.

"Bandits." I can see his jaw clenching tightly at the one word. "If we leave now, no one will be close enough to help when this family is attacked."

"We should go and send for my men. I don't think it's safe for you to be here if there is going to be a raid." There it is again, the protectiveness peeking out again.

"Help won't make it in time." I feel my anger raising. "You'd let these people, your people, **die** just to _save me_? Well, I've lasted years without your babying, Van. Unless you are willing to leave me here, we are staying. I refuse to go knowing that I could have done something to help but instead ran away like a coward." The words hiss out quickly as agitated as I am.

"You're not a fighter, Hitomi. What can you do for these people?" Van retorts with just as much venom, though we both are trying not to look like we are arguing for the sake of appearances. "The best thing we can do is warn them and take everyone with us for safety."

"They would lose everything!" I snap back.

"Keeping their lives is something." He responds, eyes narrowed.

"I think the farmer might argue that point." I correct sharply. We are nearing the house and therefore are running out of time to come to an agreement before we have more company. "I know you want to protect me, but leaving would hurt more than anything the bandits could do to me. Van, we have to stay and fight."

His teeth grind slightly, but I see the defeat in his eyes and know that I won. We will fight. I can only hope that I'm right and haven't just doomed us all.

"One condition." He stops right before entering the house. "If things take a bad turn, you will take his wife and any kids and run. Leave me and get them to safety. Can you do that?"

I want to argue, but he isn't wrong. If anyone can do an escape route on the fly, it would be me. These powers have to be good for something after all. Deep down, it's not a misplaced, misogynistic way of thinking trying to protect the defenseless girl. In reality, my being there and in danger will only hinder his ability to fight. If Van is too worried about me, then the bad guys can use that against him. Dividing his attention could be a fatal mistake.

"Okay." I don't want to agree, but in this case, I can protect him best by not being in the way. "Under two conditions."

He doesn't like my response but waits for the rest anyways. We've run out of time to argue or agree, standing together just outside the farmhouse door.

"First, don't play last man standing. If you are outnumbered and in danger, please escape and come find us instead. Second, don't say anything to this family about the attack." That shocks him, since most of the time warning people is all I seem to be able to do. "They may have heard of me, but most people don't want to believe a stranger with bad news. Also our decision to stay may have changed things enough that the vision doesn't happen or doesn't play out the same way. Things are clearer than in the past, but they also can be effected by the choices leading up to them, for better or worse."

Van quickly checks that we aren't being spied on. He takes a step to the side of the open door and pulls me into his arms. It's sudden but I don't protest. Someone could see us, and I find that right now I don't care. I'll always remember the smell of a field mingling with dry hay, the warmth radiating from him comfortingly, and his strong heartbeat drumming against my ear.

"I'm so sorry you've had to bare this alone." His voice is barely a breath, but it almost makes me cry. I am not alone anymore.

I am saved from responding by a small "tsk" sound from the doorway that was vacated a moment before.

We jump apart slightly, but it's too late. The farmer's wife already saw us. She clicks her tongue again, trying to hide a smile. "Hate to _interrupt_ , your majesty." She gives a slight bow, gesturing us into the house.

Van thanks her for the hospitality. He moves easily between the farmer and his wife. These are his people, and they love him as much as he loves them. Rarely have I seen him with such an easy interaction with others. During the war, we spent most of our time around a ragtag group which included a princess, a knight, a scholar merchant, and the odd collection that made up the leviship crew. The ranks of our party varied so much, and though Van was technically the highest, he tended to hang back and watch the others more than interact with them. That was my job. I was often in the center of things, and now the tables have turned. Van is almost magnetic, and we are all just pulled into an easy rotation orbiting him.

The food is delicious and way more then we could ever eat. It's hard to tell if this is normal fare for them or if they have pulled out all the stops to impress a royal guest. Regardless, neither Van nor I say anything about a possible attack. The conversation is light, but the warrior at my side remains on alert. The farmer and his family don't seem to notice; they don't know him like I do.

I wish I could be of more help. If I could sense how many bandits are coming or when they will arrive, we could be more prepared. Instead I am being haunted. Around the table sits the farmer, his portly wife, and a daughter of about fourteen or fifteen who only had eyes for the king sharing their meal. If that were the only issue, I would feel far less queasy. It's the last member of the family that is bothering me.

He must have been somewhere around eighteen years old with dark, shoulder length hair that hung loose and straight. Or it would have if he wasn't dead. The ghost didn't talk to or acknowledge me. He just hovered behind his mother with cold, sightless eyes. He wore light, leather armor over a neutral colored tunic, along with the bracers and gloves that made me think of a lower ranked Fanelian solider.

Despite the wife's friendly demeanor, a deep sadness clings heavily to her. Could she be the one keeping her son from passing onto whatever lays beyond? Did anyone else feel his constant presence? How long has he been lingering instead of moving on? Could he help us now in some way?

There were so many strong memories in this house that I feel them begin to choke me. Years of happy family dinners. Children playing. A house full of laughter and chattering. I see a vase falling to the ground. The shards of broken porcelain ricocheting in every direction, and a family crumpled and crying as word of the disaster reaches them.

I piece it all together slowly as the conversation moves around me easily. He must have been a foot solider, gate guard, or look out. When I think of _look out,_ his glazed eyes focus on me for the first time. He must have been manning the capital wall six years ago when Zaibach attacked. This family lost their only son at the very first strike of the invisible guymelifs.

Back then I had a vision of Fanelia burning, but I had no idea what it meant. I couldn't have known that he and so many others would die without knowledge of what was happening. Deep down, I feel responsible even though if I had warned someone, no one would have believed me without proof. Nothing will ever make me feel any less guilty, especially faced by one of the innocent victims and his still grieving family.

The meal is finished though I barely ate, yet I couldn't handle eating another bite. My stomach churns, and I'm not sure if it is from the strong saturation of memories and emotions lingering in this room or the coming danger.

The ghost's head snaps to the side painfully quick. He senses something. The long dead lips move though no sound comes out.

" _ **Run. They are here. Run!"**_ Even without sound, the words echo uncomfortably loud in my head.

I am grateful to be sitting, since that warning would have made me too dizzy to stand. Van still positioned beside me has taken note of my distress.

"Is it time, Hitomi?" Van's voice is low, and only I know he isn't talking about our departure.

"Yes." I manage to nod though it feels like I am moving too slow, like swimming through thick honey. "They will be coming down the road in a few minutes."

He turns to the confused family and the easy relatable attitude is gone. "Bandits are coming. You have two choices; take what you can carry and flee while I try to hold them off, or gather as many weapons as possible and make a stand by my side."

No one will be running away today, and Van knew that from the start. We just had to give them an option, a way out. Everyone moves into action. I help by blocking windows and doors with overturned furniture. The two men gather weapons silently.

The farmer's wife moves to offer me a sharp kitchen knife for protection, but I can barely shake my head. "I won't use a weapon."

She looks at me like I'm crazy but keeps her mouth shut. Unfortunately, her emotions speak volumes on their own.

"Van, there are ten of them." I call. He nods in acknowledgement, heading for the front door with the farmer at his heels. With sudden need burning in my chest, I follow him to the porch. "Watch out for the tallest one. He's faster than he looks, and the one with the scar through his eyebrow fights dirty."

"They are bandits, Hitomi. They all fight dirty," Van responds fluidly. "Just remember our bargain and everything will be fine."

All I can do is stand there gripping my upper arms tightly as if cold and watch his lean form move away from me. Please let him come back from this. I pray that my stubbornness hasn't doomed us both. With a deep breath, I step back into the house, shutting the door and separating myself from Van.

"Ten verses two." The daughter whispers, going pale. "They're going to die."

My senses clear just as the raiding party turns onto the road, coming into view through the window for the first time. Dust clouds move swiftly towards the two stationary men. The farmer tightly grips his large, flat edged blade normally used only for butchering animals. His counter opposite stands slightly in front as the first line of defense.

Wind ruffling his raven hair and crimson shirt, Van seems completely calm. Gloved hand resting lightly on the gold pommel of his sword as though this was the simplest thing in the world, staring down a murderous horde. I believe in him and I believe in myself. We will make it out of this; our story has so much left to tell.

"No. They will be fine. Van will make sure of it." My voice is strong and sure. "Believe in them. It helps. Trust me."

The girl looks at me skeptically, but she closes her eyes and clasps tiny, calloused hands tightly together, wishing for a good outcome with all her heart.

"You knew." The wife murmurs, her voice low and accusing. "Why would you _not_ warn us? Isn't that the only thing seers are good for?"

I should be hurt by her cutting words, but they matter little in the long run. In a short time, we will find out if I was right or wrong.

"Would you have left if we warned you, or would your doubt have forced us to leave?" Her eyes widen in shock. "We did not bring the bad fortune with us, but we refused to leave you to face it alone."

She swallows hard. It's difficult to hear someone you barely know read you so well, especially the negative feelings you'd rather hide. Fear, distrust, doubt, and the never ending grief that won't let go. Its better I don't say anymore right now. We have bigger problems coming to a stop only a few meters from the men outside.

Van is speaking to the grinning, superiorly armed outlaws. I can't hear the words clearly, but the meaning is easy to tell. This is their last chance to leave peacefully. Which they find hilarious despite that steel edge to his voice. In their eyes, he is too young and unprotected to stand a chance. They have no idea who they face.

Little could they know that he once piloted the Escaflowne and fought like a demon, destroying any enemy in his path. Too many to count. This is the side of Van that drove fear into the heart of a conquering army. He bled for his revenge, and I pray that brutal half remains buried.

One of the bandits dismounts, laughing. He seeks to prove himself by putting down the lean swordsman with all his friends watching. Taunting his opponent, the man waves his blade in front of the unflinching face. Still Van makes no move of either fear or aggression. He is calm and that pisses off the outlaw. With an aggravated yell, the sword thrusts forward in a crude but deadly strike. In one fluid motion, the warrior unsheathes his gleaming sword, moves past the clumsy strike, and drops the fool who attacked him. One move is all it took.

I breathe a sigh of relief. Van learned many things from fighting alongside and against more experienced swordsmen. One of his hardest lessons also came at the hands of someone who became a mentor and even a friend. Like Allen, Van used the back of his sword.

This has never been about who would shed more blood, but merely the defense of those in need, as well as to bring murders to justice. What greater justice could there be for the bandits than to be apprehended, so that they could face their crimes by law and not the edge of a lone fighter's blade.

Chaos erupts and Van is at the center once more. The farmer holds his own against the one or two raiders that decide to go for the easier pray. Everyone else still standing attacks the more skilled fighter, as if by overwhelming him they have a chance to end things quickly.

Van dodges and parries each attack with an ease of familiarity. The war ended when we were still children, but skills like the edge of his blade have been honed sharp and kept ready. Despite facing six attackers, he remains calm and effective.

Something bothers me though. Two men fight the farmer. Six more face Van, if you count the one man who remains unconscious on the ground, which only makes it nine bandits. The sound of glass shattering in the other room pinpoints the location of the last man. He smartly circled the farmhouse while the men were occupied. With a swordfighter out front like Van, this scavenger accurately guessed the greatest value had to be inside, the logically safest place.

The farmer's wife rushes to defend her home only to be quickly thrown back. Her head collides against the wall with a sickening crack, and she crumples to the floor as if boneless. The merciless attacker strides into the room with a swagger. He's not tall but carries a confidence born by experience, a long, jagged scar bisecting his right eyebrow. Cunning black eyes scan the room for the weakness he knows is being protected.

He starts for the younger girl, believing that she has a greater value to the fighter outside. Pretty and petite, she sure looks the part of damsel in distress, and in slacks with cropped hair, I don't. Stepping in his path, I hope I look stronger and surer then I am.

"Leave her alone." I state and I am proud that my voice doesn't waver.

He laughs amused and moves to shove me out of the way like he had her mother. Instead I see his move moments ahead of time and easily move just out of his reach while still protecting the now crying girl. Brows furrowed, the scarred bandit knows I shouldn't have been able to dodge him.

Before he can try to go around or through me again, the shaking voice behind me makes us both freeze for different reasons.

"Take her instead!" Pale and trembling this girl, betrays her protector, but I can't blame her though I want to. "She belongs to the king who fights out front!"

His cruel eyes widen as though the outlaw has just walked into a room filled with treasure. "The _king_? This is my lucky day after all."

Unfortunately, I can't dodge in time, and a meaty hand clamps roughly around my already bruised wrist painfully. I wish I could fight him or pull away, but it is impossible. Images assault my mind, making me dizzy and weak. Blood, so much blood. This man is the worst kind of person who no laws even seem to apply to. The only thing that matters is his personal gain and coming out on top at all times.

As I am forcefully dragged towards the door, I can just barely clear my vision enough to see the tearful girl rush to her mother's side. I am a stranger, and in the long run, I will just be a bad memory. Right now the older woman is her everything. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't blame the teen for betraying us to the stronger side. It wouldn't change anything.

Despite my promise to Van, there isn't a chance to escape. No way for me to run without endangering others. Now Van will suffer, because they will use me against him. It's just as simple as that. Things would be better if he didn't care for me, but I know it is far too late for that. Logic would say that after this long apart I couldn't possibly mean that much to the king, but reason and emotions rarely walk hand in hand.

I fight uselessly against the vicelike hold, but it has no effect. The scarred bandit effortlessly throws the front door open with the hand not trapping me. The world spins as I'm dragged onto the porch as if I weighed almost nothing.

My vision clears enough, so that I can see the farmer now only faces one enemy. A shallow cut bleeds on his left cheekbone, but he is standing his ground. Van, on the other hand, isn't just managing; he is magnificent. This could be just one of his vigorous workouts, not a fight where he is vastly outnumbered. Or he had been. In this short time, he has laid four more men out cold on the trampled, muddy yard. Only two remain standing of his opponents, and they look far more worn and beaten then Van does.

Sweat lightly glistens on his tanned brow, but that is about the extent of his physical strain. If anything, he looks energized and truly alive.

"That enough!" The evil man pulls me tightly against his chest, and it's all I can do not to lose my breakfast. "I have something you want, King of Fanelia." I feel the sharp bite of a razor edged blade against the tender flesh of my neck.

The chaotic world stills as reality sets back in. "Hitomi?" Van doesn't yell my name, but the one word is enough to confirm my value to him. I wish I could have kept our deal. Anything would be better than knowing I'm powerless to save myself or him. If only I didn't mean so much to him, we both might make it out of this alive.

Van has stopped fighting, and his sword is taken by one of his heavily breathing opponents. "Let her go. It's me you want." My skin crawls knowing I'll only live long enough for them to break him out of spite.

Wait a second! I may not be a fighter, but I am far from powerless. This is the first time I've tried to do something by my will. The result is unknown, but I have to try. I close my eyes and reach out with my mind, probing and searching frantically as sweat coats my feverish skin.

There! A memory of pain but not my own. Falling from a second story window during a robbery years ago. The quick shooting agony as the bone in his right leg snaps under the unfortunate landing. That sort of injury wouldn't have healed right without proper medical care.

Before I can change my mind, I kick back as hard as I can, aiming at the badly healed fracture. A loud snap is audible, and the loosening of his grip falters with the blossoming pain. I snatch the knife before it can cut into my skin, tossing it out of range and into the yard.

Van takes the opening the instant I make my move. Spinning out of the confused outlaw's grip, he slams his palm upward sharply. The quick strike smashes the nose of the man gripping the crested sword. Blade once more in the king's hand, he makes quick work of the remaining raiders, including the farmer's last opponent.

I run towards him, stumbling down the steps in my haste, but Van is there to catch me just like old times. He whispers my name over and over in my hair like a grateful mantra. I should feel bad about hurting someone, even a terrible person, but I don't.

All I care about is this moment, which will always be far too short. My vision is clear once more, though just slightly blurry around the edges.

As the farmer begins to tie up the injured and unconscious bandits, the door opens once more. His wife walks out slowly. She is pale and being supported by her daughter. The girl at least seems to feel a little guilt for ratting me out, eyes downcast and clearly uncomfortable.

The older woman makes her escort stop right next to where Van is still embracing me and addresses him directly.

"You better hold on to her tight." She grins openly at us. "Your lady is stronger than she looks and will make a fine queen one day."

I blush, wanting to pull away and hide, but Van's embrace remains firm. "I intend to."

Still feeling a little out of sorts, I conceal it and insist on helping the men bind the outlaws. We load them into a cart to be taken into the capital for trial. Not wanting to have skin contact with these evil men, I wear yesterday's socks over my hands. It looks a little strange, but at this point, I don't really care. Van raises a dark eyebrow in silent question but says nothing, the smart man.

We prepare to ride a borrowed yorkel together while the farmer drives the cart into town. I don't really feel comfortable entering the capital for the first time in six years pressed so closely to Van, but there really isn't a way around it. It's the attention I don't want to deal with more than anything, and riding in front of the King of Fanelia won't go unnoticed.

Before mounting the animal, I turn back towards the farmer's family to wave goodbye and wish them well. Sightless, dead eyes from the front window catch my attention. The dead solider watches me with what appears to be interest.

The world spins sickeningly and my knees go weak. I would have collapsed to the muddy ground had Van not been beside me. His strong arms the only thing keeping me upright.

"Hitomi?" His voice filled with concern seems so far away. "What is _wrong_? Speak to me, **Hitomi!** "

I want to answer him, but my tongue feels huge and heavy, filling my mouth like a cork. The farmer's wife hobbles over despite her own injury, pressing a hand that feels like ice to my forehead.

"She's _burning_ up." Before she can say anymore, Van steps back, pulling me into his arms.

Without thought of consequence, I can feel his form almost vibrate with tension. Large wings spill from the slits in his loose shirt.

The last thing I remember before everything goes black is pure white feathers drifting lazily as Van springs swiftly into the air.

 **To Be Continued…**

 **A/N- Well?! I'm hoping to hear from you! I do have a few notes of consequence. First I should probably raise the rating at least one level. There are some mature themes here and… stuff, but nothing too descriptive. Most things are or will be implied, blunt but not spelled out.**

 **On that note. Van does not go commando all the time. I wanted to address it more clearly in the story but didn't know how to without putting way too much focus on it, but I know some of you are thinking about it… you dirty ducks. So to set everything straight it is more a commentary on the differences of body image and confidence between Van and Hitomi. Hitomi has always been shyer about her looks then Van who can walk around shirtless without a single thought. He has no shame unlike the inherent embarrassment Hitomi has. In that same way if both of them are soaked from the rain they chose to react differently. Hitomi continues to wear her underwear even though it is wet and just hopes it dries quickly. On the other hand Van takes everything off and lets it dry together. He has a confidence that is about as strong as his desire to be comfortable. Also it doesn't hurt that he remains clueless on how he effects people especially Hitomi.**

 **The farmer's son is like the wandering souls when Van and then Hitomi went into the spirit world, but in this case he is trapped among his living and oblivious relatives.**

 **Last note- I laughed pretty hard when I had Hitomi wear the old socks on her hands. It was a fitting of lose pieces more than an original plan. I was going to have her dig through her bag looking for the grey gloves, but to save time and get rid of unnecessary action I remembered she put socks in her pockets earlier. No time for Sock Puppets!**

 **Thank you again! I can't wait to hear what you all think.**

 **As always thank you Meghanna for making my writing coherent. Best Beta Ever. Hugs!**


	6. Millions of Little Cuts

**This has finally been edited. Thank you Meghanna Starsong.**

 **On that note a few of the reviewer requests, ideas, and wishes have helped mold this chapter. More Merle (zephakitara). More potential wife drama (Mageblood). More beast-people (Miniclio). More Van and Hitomi… well that one was a prerequisite of the story (said everybody who ever read my stories ever.)**

 **Thank you everyone who enjoyed how Van is portrayed, where though he has become a good man due to his past it is not always smooth. Van and Hitomi where both very much effected and changed by what they went though. Van had in a sense PTSD and though he has overcome the worst of it there are still times where it returns and he has to be brought back to the present gently. Hitomi on the other hand isn't quite the same. With the powers unpredictability it is closer to a nervous disorder one that she has yet to fully understand or control. Where most of what Van dealt with was in the past, Hitomi is still being troubled continuously.**

 **It made me smile that people liked the socks. I love little details but try not to bog the story down with them. I think I have the best reviewers in the world. You all make my day every day. Hugs to everyone! Now don't kill me.**

 **More Than Skin Deep**

 **Chapter 6 – Millions of Little Cuts**

Awake or asleep, the nightmares remain the same, terrible. Was I fooling myself to think that I had this under control? When will it get better? Why does it feel so much harder to handle this time? Have my powers grown again?

They must have. It's like listening to music with the volume on max all the time. Only it's not just the noise, it's everything. Visions have become stronger and more sudden. Emotions have started to overwhelm me again. Even my sense of touch and smell seem to be far more sensitive. Add it all together and it's a constant sensory overload. My nerves are so frayed that some days it is all I can do not to jump at the slightest thing or hide from the world once more.

The worst part is that I seem to have a new ability, one I would never have wanted if I had a choice. Not that I was ever given a chance to refuse these _**gifts**_. Ghosts. I see them now and not just when they have something to say to me. In the past, I have been able to see the spirits as they were in life, colorful, vibrant, emotional, and even caring. These are not the same. It reminds me of the lifeless wandering souls I encountered by following Van into the darkness. The only difference is that they are trapped here in the land of the living and not the other way around.

So many died when Fanelia was attacked, and the bloody battles that followed just created an increasing amount of lost souls. I now see them everywhere. They crowd the market and city streets. Spirits wander the halls of the palace like silent servants, but only I know they are there.

I must have these powers for a reason. After my midnight visitors nearly two months ago, I retrained myself to believe that these abilities are a gift, one that saves lives. Now I feel this is truly a curse. At first I thought that there had to be a purpose. I tried to talk to the ghosts and see if I could help them move one, but nothing works. All that contact with them achieves is a deathly chill which settles over me, one I feel I will never warm up from.

If not for Van, I don't know what I would do. He has been a constant source of strength and comfort. In the weeks since my return, he is the one thing that has kept me grounded. It's not that I don't have visions when I'm near him; it's that they are more manageable, He gives me something to focus on, so I don't drown in the images.

I don't know what I would do without him, and I hope I never have to find out. Unfortunately, being so close all the time has added an entirely different set of complications.

People assume our relationship has progressed past what it was at our first reunion, awkward yet sweet. They are wrong. It's not that I don't want there to be more between us. It's actually that I can't handle anything more. How could I think about being with someone when bloody battle scenes play out in my head when we touch?

I don't blame Van for his past. It has helped form him into the man I see today. If that is what he sees constantly, then he is much stronger than I am. I also can't allow him to become anymore attached to me than he already is. With how unstable my powers are, I feel as if anything more would be a complete burden to him.

I don't want to be queen.

For some time I thought I could do it. I had even convinced myself that if I were by his side, then I could handle anything. I was wrong. A ruler's duty is to the people, and Van is very good at the job he never had a choice in. I, on the other hand, can't be responsible for all those lives. I can barely deal with being in a room with someone other than Van let alone play politics. I was never very good at it even when my feet were firmly planted on the ground.

Another thing, people assume we will just start having babies. The queen's main job always seems to be to secure the family line by creating more of it. A kingdom can be thrown into chaos and war if there is not a clear heir. I haven't found a way to tell him or anyone that I don't want kids.

In the years that I became more and more reclusive, I found that I was okay with never being one of those people who has a home full of pattering feet and giggling children. How is it fair to anyone that loves me to be stuck with someone so unstable? What about the risk that the children could be like me, ruled by powers they cannot control? It's not that I wouldn't love a family, but for their sake, anyone would be a better mother than me. I never wanted to be a burden on anyone, and that is exactly what I would be. Van deserves better.

For a short time it seemed possible, but the reality had to sink back in that I couldn't ever be enough. I wanted to be proven wrong, because I hate being wrong. At least I realized before it was too late. On the other hand, my presence alone has caused Van so many problems.

He was telling the truth that the marriage contract with Cesario hadn't been signed. The problem is that the other country is saying a written contract was only a formality. To them, there was a binding agreement in place. Now that Fanelia has backed out of the deal, it has caused hardship not only for the other party but the entire country.

It sounds ridiculous. What it really comes down to is hurt pride and a loss of political ground. Van's council doesn't like me very much as is. If the country is fined for breach of contract, or at very worst thrown into war with Cesario, it will be entirely my fault.

Van tells me not to worry, that he will work things out. I have my doubts, and that's the only thing that comes easy these days.

I happen to have another problem aside from the unwelcomed guests and extremely sensitive powers, Merle. For some reason, her presence affects me more than anyone else. It's like being clawed to ribbons from the inside out. Her emotions and memories deafen me. Just being in the same room as her makes me feel weak and ill. I can't blame her as it is not something she can control, but there are times when I wish she would just go away.

It doesn't help that I must remain near Van and so does she. We both cling to him while rejecting each other. I don't hate her; I never could. Still, this is worse than anything I have ever felt. Before I left, we had become friends, or so I had believed. Her concern for Van always forced her to oppose my very presence, as I was and still am a threat she could never control.

What little understanding and camaraderie we shared seems to have gone. I saw Merle's interaction with her adopted brother before I ever thought of returning, so I know it's not a romantic rivalry she opposes. No, I'm dangerous to him in a way she always feared.

I can destroy this strong man in a manner that no other enemy ever could. It is a dark future she sees where I control Van with my fear and dependence. Sadly, she isn't wrong, and I already see it starting. That means so can Merle.

 _I never should have come back._ That is what her emotions scream at me whenever we are near each other.

The study door opens silently, and she enters with the confidence of someone who knows they belong. Even though Merle makes no sound, I hear her presence screaming inside my head. Some days it is just like white noise, and others, like today, are full on sirens blaring.

She pads over to Van's desk as is the standard; he continues to work diligently without mentioning her arrival. Like always, they have this easy, mutual relationship I can't help being a little jealous of. If only my own family loved and cared for me that much.

"Where is your shadow today, Lord Van?" Merle asks. Though her voice is light, the agitated swish of her tail tells the truth.

"Merle." Van doesn't need to look up from the document. Even I feel the reproach in that one word.

"It's okay, Van," I assure, hoping my voice doesn't sound as strained or weak as I feel. "She's not wrong."

Her sharp blue eyes narrow suspiciously as they find me curled up in a large armchair by the book shelves. My glove covered hands nervously tremble as they hold the tome I was pretending to read.

"Gods, when was the last time you ate anything, Hitomi?!" She demands with clawed hands propped on her hips defensively. "People will think we are _starving_ you like a war prisoner rather than treating you like a guest."

"She's not a _guest,_ Merle." Van sets his quill down with a heavy sigh. "This is her home too."

This isn't their first argument about me by far, but Van doesn't want me to know that. In truth, I wish they wouldn't fight. It just churns up more negative emotions and bad energy. This only sickens me more. With every little hurt inflicted, I feel it like millions of little cuts inside and out, stinging annoyances that never fully heal before more are inflicted.

I think longingly of the bottle of vino I have hidden under the clothes I brought from home. I try not to use the alcohol as a crutch, but it numbs the constant stimulus. Back on earth, I started to drink to dull the pain after Yukari's accident. At one point, it was almost a constant need. Eventually, I found things seemed worse once the effects faded, as if my defenses had been weakened instead of strengthened. I stopped self-medicating, but I also began to shut myself off in other ways.

Since returning, I have stuck to the rule of one glass of vino before bed to help me sleep on bad nights. Only one, no exceptions. Tonight might just be one of those nights.

Instead, I put those thoughts aside along with the book and take a deep breath.

"Did you need me for something, Merle?" I'm proud that my voice doesn't waver even though my vision has gone a bit blurry around the edges, again.

"About that, you've missed another fitting." Her emotions say that there is more to it, but I know better than to let someone know you are reading them. "I've begged the seamstresses to wait until I've found you this time."

"Do I have to?" Having strangers poke and prod me sounds terrible. I never know what I will see. "The clothes I had made when I first returned are fine."

"You never stood still for a full fitting." Her expressive blue eyes roll. "They had to use rough measurements, and anyways, nothing fits. You've lost weight again."

When Van brought me back, I was trapped in fever and visions for two days. The healers said it was exhaustion. The thing is they've never seen anything like this before, like me. I think forcing the vison to show me what I wanted to see in self-defense put a strain not only on my mind but also my body. There is a cost to these powers, and it only seems to have gotten steeper the more I try to use them.

After recovering, I had hoped my control would start to return, but in this, too, I was wrong. I haven't had much of an appetite and have started to revert back to how I was before the spirits visited me. I am only coping this well for Van's sake. I know he is troubled by what he sees, and I hate how much this all worries him.

"Fine. I'll go if only to make you happy." The sarcasm in my voice is clear but not hurtful. I'm pleased to see Van hiding a small smile from his sister.

"Oh, it will take more than that to make me happy." Our banter is strained. We are both poor actors, but it's the thought that counts. We pretend only for his sake.

Merle moves to help me stand, and I can't hide my slight flinch away from the contact. Her lips press together in a firm frown, but she says nothing.

I follow her from the room with a wane smile for Van. He, too, wants to reach for me, but he knows better. It hurts that he's had to learn the hard way. Our walk to my rooms where the seamstresses wait seems impossibly long. I try not to be overwhelmed with the Neko's emotions; disproval, worry, fear, sadness, and suspicion call to me loudly.

It would be easier if Merle hated me, but she doesn't. I know what this is really about. Right when Van seemed ready to let me go and move on, I chose to return. The sad truth is the woman who came back isn't the girl that left. I've given Van hope for a future that can't happen, and causing him that pain is entirely my fault.

We reach my room where I can already feel the two women inside waiting. Their emotions range from curiosity to impatience.

"Do you want me to stay and keep you company?" Merle asks, unsure. Her voice is soft and reminds me of the energetic, thoughtful girl I once knew. Times like this she is so much like Yukari that it hurts.

I'd love to have a relationship with Merle again, but I can already feel my carefully maintained control slipping. When I say nothing, her expression hardens once more.

"Forget it. I've got things to take care of." As the Neko storms away, I want to call after her. I want to thank her for being thoughtful. I want things to be as they were before I left, but they can't and may never be. The pain screaming in my head has already started to ease with the growing distance between us. I know I can't handle her and two strangers at the same time. It's impossible.

Trying to steady my nerves, I enter the room. Normally, we could do the fitting just about anywhere, but I guess someone was smart enough to realize I'd just keep avoiding these events if I had a choice. It was probably Merle's call after all.

I briefly remember the two seamstresses from our first meeting, and I am glad I won't have to see and feel everything about entirely new people. The older woman and her apprentice smile as I enter, but I can tell judgments are being made. I try not to read them, but that doesn't do any good.

Not much can shock me like it did when I first landed on this planet. That is good as the beastwoman's nose twitches, sensing things about me that the human girl at her side would never know. She is a wolf like Ruhm, and from what I know, she left their village at the King's first return. She was called to help rebuild Fanelia and serve the man so many came to respect greatly. Now with my arrival and how fragile I outwardly appear to be, she is concerned.

The younger girl is more curios than anything, and she doesn't share her mentor's worry. Unlike the older woman, she was raised with tales of the heroic deeds and selfless nature of the girl from the Mystic Moon. The stories don't seem to match reality, and her interest on figuring out which is the real Hitomi Kanzaki, pokes at me more than any pins.

I stand as still as possible and try to just focus on my breathing, as one might when getting a tattoo or any other long, annoying procedure. Despite the large size of the Wolf-woman's hands, they are quick and agile, taking far less time than a less experienced woman ever could. Her chocolate colored fur tickles when it brushes past. She smells of birch bark and wood smoke. I try to focus on that and not her other, more personal memories.

I feel their anxieties acutely, not just about me but about aging mothers, family finances, and finding a kind husband for the younger girl. The old me would have been happy to do readings for them, but now the less that they or I know the better.

With a huge weight lifting, they complete their measuring, pinning, and other tasks. I have little input on colors, styles, or accessories. It is more that it isn't one of my concerns, than if I trust their decisions. Comfort has always been the most important thing about my wardrobe, but since the internal pressure never seems to ease these days, clothing choices matter little to me. I fear I will never be comfortable again.

I nod a pleasant yet strained goodbye. In the end, I am just glad to be alone for a moment. I check the door lock before heading to my large wardrobe. The bottom drawer is filled with the clothes I brought with me and the few other items that survived the rain storm. Hidden underneath everything is a dark glass wine bottle, and unfortunately, it is empty. I don't plan on drinking anything now, but this way I won't be surprised when I look for it to help me sleep tonight.

This bottle lasted a little less time than the last one or the one before that, but I'm still sticking to my rules and refuse to rely solely on the alcohol. I will not let this control me.

Closing my eyes, I sense the palace staff and others moving through this wing of the castle. With relief, I find a page nearby that I've never spoken to before. It only takes a few moments to use my acting skills to ask for a new bottle. I'm careful to never ask the same servant twice. It's not a big deal, but I would be embarrassed if Van or Merle found out I had to drink a glass of wine just to sleep without nightmares. It would only worry them more.

With the new vino hidden safely in its place, I head back to the study where I know Van has remained all this time. He tries to remain easy for me to locate, so I don't worry. The pile of work on his desk won't mind the attention. What he hasn't realized is I could easily locate him in a blizzard. The strength of these powers pull me towards him like a magnet, always guiding me home.

Before entering the study, I know Van isn't alone. My empty stomach churns at Merle's presence, and I can't make myself go in. It's not that I am spying on them, just that I have nowhere else I can go while they talk about me.

My vision goes blurry again, and when it clears, I see the room just on the other side of the door. Van is no longer writing, but stands leaning against his desk watching as Merle paces restlessly. I see them as if I am standing right there in the center of everything, and yet my body remains outside and unnoticed.

"Don't take this as criticism, but you might want to ease off of Hitomi a little." The Neko spins around at his words. She bristles for a moment but flops back into a chair instead.

"I think it's best if I go visit a friend for a few weeks." Merle watches her adopted brother carefully as she says this.

He is at a loss for a moment. "Why would you want to leave so suddenly?"

"Well, I've already been through this before, Lord Van, and I don't think I can handle it again." As she talks, a clawed hand gestures through the still air.

"Been through what?" Van's eyes narrow slightly, but they do so more out of concentration than anger. He's trying to read the things that she isn't saying.

"This! Whatever you want to call it that Hitomi is… or isn't dealing with." Her striped hackles rise as she almost leaps out of the chair, too fidgety to stay still "Don't tell me it's nothing! I remember the nightmares, being woken by screaming in the night. I know the look of a person trapped in a dark memory, the shaking hands and haunted eyes, being set off by the smallest things."

"It's not the same." His words are slow and careful, arms now crossed over his muscular chest. Van has taken a defensive position unconsciously.

"You're right about that, Lord Van. It's not the same. It's worse." They are both silent for a long moment as it sinks in before Merle continues. "When you went through this after the war, you had something to pull you through. You had Fanelia, and this country needed you at your best. For your people, you found the strength to break free from the bloody past, Lord Van. Not Hitomi. We aren't enough to pull her through, and she is so much worse than you ever were. That girl is one big _open wound_ , and everything **hurts** her."

"What can we do?" He sighs, and I know he agrees with her words. One hand rubs the back of his tense neck worriedly.

"I know for a fact there is nothing I can do except to give you both space." With a maturity that makes me realize how much she has grown, Merle for once appears as the more grounded sibling. "My presence seems to affect her worse for some reason, and maybe with a little time and distance things will improve."

Van nods silently for a moment. I know he doesn't want her to go anywhere, but he is also glad to have once less worry. "Where will you go, and for how long?"

"Just to Cesario for a few weeks." She states vaguely.

"Cesario?" His mahogany eyes widen at her unorthodox choice.

"Yeah, Princess Eva invites me whenever there is a competition she is participating in." Merle shrugs noncommittally, but I can tell she's put a lot of thought into this decision. "Seems like a good time to finally take her up on the offer."

"Eva?" Again Van is shocked. This time he angles his body slightly so that he can straighten the documents on his desk, anything to keep his hands busy. "Don't you think it's a bad idea considering the contract was canceled? There is friction between the countries that didn't exist before."

"Well, I was never planning to marry her, so I've got nothing to be ashamed of." She quips with a sharp, sisterly jab. "You've made your choice and I know the Princess respects that, even if I think you're crazy."

Van pauses, looking earnestly at his adopted sibling. "There wasn't ever a choice. I love Hitomi." The depth of feeling in his eyes almost takes my breath away.

"Really, do you?"I know she is effected too, but that doesn't stop the Neko from speaking her mind. "Do you love this Hitomi, or are you still in love with the memory of a girl from the Mystic Moon? You know they are not the same person."

"Merle!" Van's voice rises with shock and emotion. In a moment his control returns. "That is uncalled for. You know she needs our support now more than ever."

"No, Lord Van, she needs _your_ support. Not mine or anyone else, just _you_." Pink hair flies as Merle shakes her head vigorously. With a deep sigh of her own, she heads for the door and inadvertently me. "I've got some packing to do and a letter to send."

My vision clears, and I have just enough time to move away from the entrance as the door swings open. I am suddenly face to face with honest blue eyes. Merle's brow furrows as if trying to read if I am upset or not.

"I'm sorry." It's all I can manage to say. Sorry for eavesdropping. Sorry for creating tension between siblings. Sorry for the worry I've put them both through. Sorry for all the trouble I've been and will continue to be as long as I am here.

"Stop being _**sorry**_ and start being **Hitomi** again." The emotion in her voice betrays how much she misses me, the real me. She stalks off, and yet again I want to call out to her but don't.

Van motions me into the room, shutting the door behind me before heading back towards his overcrowded desk.

He pauses, running nervous fingers through his thick hair and making it stand up. "I-"

"Don't apologize for her," I interrupt, my voice soft but heartfelt. "Merle has done nothing wrong, and neither have you. She never changes, still speaks her mind a hundred percent of the time."

"We've all changed, but that's not necessarily a bad thing." Van tries to smile, but it is strained. The fact that he has to put up an act like the rest of us hurts me the worst.

"Speak for yourself, Van. I don't like how I've changed anymore then Merle does." Gripping my arms tightly, I squeeze myself as if the pressure will help somehow. Van moves to comfort me, but I jerk away from his touch on instinct. The hurt on his face cuts me deeply.

"Tell me, Hitomi." His face is earnest and it breaks my heart the hurt I see there. "Tell me how to help you. I'll do anything."

"Don't give up on me." The words hang between us for a long moment. It's not that I don't mean them, I really do, but I also know what they mean. They promise that glimmer of hope, the one we want to see no matter how bad things get.

"I'll never give up on you." His voice is soft and warm. I know he wants to kiss me but is afraid.

Feeling impulsive, I grab the front of his shirt roughly, pulling him to me recklessly. Our lips meet and his surprise would mirror mine if not for my desperation. I want to feel only him. His hands tangle in my hair as the kiss deepens with both our growing need.

Our breath mingles together, and I try to shut out the rest of the world. The constant flood of images and emotions, the coldness of death that always lingers. Van is the only thing that matters right now. It seems to be working. Loosening my grasp on his shirt, my hands move on their own to wrap around his sides and grip his firmly muscled back, pulling our bodies together.

Van's height makes me lean into him. A deep, almost growling sound escapes his throat, and it pleases me. Something presses into my chest, digging in ever so slightly. The pendent flashes just once between us, but it's enough to freeze me.

Too late. Wind whips though the helmet, rustling my already wild hair. Though the slits are narrow, I can still see the stark battlefield well. My gloved hands grasp the controls, metal grips warmed by constant touch. The suit, though designed for a full grown man, is molded to fit my slighter form, adapting to its pilot. The tightness across my chest is familiar and comforting, like an embrace. I move forward, always forward. The heavy suit responds easily, like a part of me. Rocks crunch beneath each step loudly, yet muffled by distance.

Another suit runs for me directly, a less elegantly made armor. Screaming useless words as his spear aims not for the armor's heart but my own, he means to kill. Fluidly, I move from his clumsy attack. Instead, I give him my own far smoother strike. The long sword cleaves down swiftly, slicing easily through metal and bone alike. Blood sprays from the enemy's pilot chamber, or what is left of it.

The surge of adrenalin keeps me going. It reminds me that I am still alive, and I will keep fighting until my last breath. They will never stop and neither will I.

I shove away from Van roughly. I can still feel what it was like to pilot the Escaflowne. The tightness across my chest doesn't ease. Blood drops stain my hands as a morbid shadow of the crunch of metal and snap of bone alike. Killing so easily. I felt it all. The triumph he experienced with each small victory, the ease at which he faced danger just to feel alive. _It's them or me, and I won't let them win. They will pay for everything I've lost._ His past thoughts echoed in my head and heart.

Surprised, Van moves to touch me again, not to start where we left off but as a gentle comfort. I jerk away from him, and the words shoot from my mouth like arrows piercing and wounding him deeply.

"Don't touch me, murderer."

I hate myself, but I can't be near him right now. I can't be near anyone. Before he can recover from my vicious attack, I turn and run. Heart throbbing painfully, I make it to my room, turning the lock behind me. I can't do this. It's all too much. I rip the useless gloves from my hands. Sometimes they help but not today; nothing helped today.

Sliding to a heap on the floor I feel terrible, but also I know my emotions are only going to send these awful powers out of control. I am like a tornado right now, lashing out at everything around me, filled with devastating power and destruction.

Time ticks by slowly. Van came to the door but left without saying anything. I could feel him through the solid wood at my back, his emotions furiously churning but unable to figure the words to make things right. Merle, on the other hand, had plenty of things to say to me, most of them nasty but not wrong. She shook the door handle trying to get into the room and set me right for hurting her Lord Van. Eventually, she gave up too and left.

The light began to fade as the day came to an unhappy close. At one point, a servant left a tray of food outside the door. I still couldn't make myself move.

I have to get myself together. Hours have passed with no sound as the world settles down for the night. Stiffly, I stand and unlock the door. No one is waiting to ambush me, only a tray of cold, forgotten food. I bring it in though I have no appetite. The warnings about my thinness mean nothing. Even if I ate something right now, it wouldn't stay down.

What I need is to sleep, but I know the images will only be worse, the emotions stronger, the ghosts more insistent. My eyes go to the glass of water on the tray. If only it was something stronger, then maybe I could sleep and this awful day would finally end.

Vino, the new bottle, is hidden in the usual place. Before I know it, the decision has been made. I've already dumped the water into my wash basin. The fork on my plate bends slightly as I use it to pry the cork loose, but it does the job. This glass is meant for water and not wine. To keep from drinking too much, I only pour a little into the bottom.

My hands are shaking so hard that wine sloshes erratically in the glass. A few drops of crimson liquid escape as I rush it to my lips harder than necessary, bumping the rim against my teeth unpleasantly. The sweetness of wine flooding my mouth is almost overpowering, but even it can't hide the bitter burn of the alcohol.

Closing my eyes, the residual images still don't release me, and I gulp down the acidic liquid. Looking at the empty glass in my trembling hands, I feel lost. It wasn't a full glass, right? One more won't hurt? _I'm just making up the difference_ , I rationalize pouring more vino, almost to the top this time. A little extra won't change anything.

Another full glass and more internal rationalizing later and the shaking has stopped. I feel warm for the first time in weeks. Everything seems softer, and for a moment, I can pretend that I am normal. I brush my teeth and dress for bed. The style of nightdress I've been wearing here bunches around my legs awkwardly as I climb into bed. If I am going to get any sleep at this rate I should at least be comfortable.

I shed the fine fabric in exchange for a loose shirt I brought with me. The soft cotton is comforting, and I feel like myself a bit more, if pleasantly lightheaded. The bottle of vine, which is now half empty, takes up residence in the bottom of the drawer.

Laying back down, I find I still can't get comfortable. Maybe it is the weight on my heart keeping me awake. It's really late, but I need to see Van. If I could explain to him what is happening to me, would it help us any? I've been so afraid of being a burden on him that I've been making things worse, again.

I leave my room just as I am. I don't bother to dress properly or even put on a bra. Hesitating could easily change my mind. Luckily, the night is still and barren of any other night wanderers, ghosts included. It feels odd to be completely alone for once, but I don't mind.

Walking to his room seems almost dreamlike, as If I'm watching someone else do it. I guess I drank beyond what I had intended, but I actually feel more like myself than I have for a while. I'm definitely tipsy, but the warm pleasant drunk where this appears to be a very good idea.

I don't knock before entering the room. Instead, I just slip in and shut the door behind me quietly. There is still an audible sound as the latch clicks into place. As if on cue, Van is suddenly sitting up in bed. The royal sword is ready in his hand, but it's still sheathed. His sharp eyes scan the darkness for danger, and I find I'm not afraid. I could never really fear him. I love him too much.

Somethings never leave you. What Van had to do during the war, along with how much it changed him, that will never go away. He learned to live with his past, and it has saved him. If only I had some of his strength.

"Do you always sleep with your sword?" I ask proud that my voice is clear and I'm not so impaired I slur.

"Hitomi?" he questions, relaxing slightly but not fully. The sword is set on a stand by the bed. I hadn't noticed it before. "Near. Not with,." He corrects.

"Sorry for startling you." I step away from the door and into the moonlight streaming in through the windows so he can see me clearly. I should be shy about the shirt I am wearing. Though large, it leaves my legs entirely bare, but I don't mind.

"Is something wrong?" Even though just woken from a deep sleep, Van is still alert.

"I needed to apologize." I take another few steps and he doesn't stop me.

"It was my fault." Van rubs the back of his neck nervously for a moment. "I know you've been having a hard time, and I shouldn't have touched you."

"Isn't that sad though? To be so close but so far away." I have crossed the room and now stand at the foot of his bed. "Sometimes it feels like there is so much pressure inside of me that I'm going to explode, and there isn't anything I can do. Van, there are days that only you help me stay in one piece."

"There has to be something I can do to help." He sounds so lost, and it makes me sad. "There has to be a way to make things better. You shouldn't have to live like this, Hitomi."

"There is something you can do." I don't know if it is the vino or the thoughts running through my mind, but my cheeks feel impossibly hot. Want is pure and simple. I want to feel his hands on me, rough yet gentle. I want to taste his lips and not stop until we both are sated. I want to live in this moment where the past and the future don't matter. I want him to look at me as a woman and not the broken thing I have become.

"Anything." His answer is quick, and I know his mind has yet to go to the places mine have. I take the last couple of steps that bring me within reach of him.

Without a second thought or regret, I grab the fabric and pull it off over my head. Standing in front of this man nearly naked would normally make me burn up with embarrassment but not now. I feel strong and sexy. I want him to desire me, not pity me.

"Hitomi?" His eyes have widened, and Van is battling with himself on if he should look away or not.

I reach for him, and it is his turn to jerk away slightly. I have conditioned him to be so afraid of making the wrong move, of setting me off. I brush the hair away from his face and revel in the fact that nothing happens. The thick strands are as silky as they are dark, but I see no bloody images. It's then that I realize that I'm not feeling any emotions other than my own for the first time in a very long time.

"I want tonight to be just about us." He leans into my touch on instinct. I'm sure his mind is telling him something entirely different. For once, mine agrees with what I want, and I won't regret any of this.

"Hitomi-" I know he wants this as much I do, but unlike me, he is thinking of more than the fleeting moment.

"Please, Van." I sit on the edge of the bed. For once, I am comfortable in my own skin the way he always seems to be, and it is his turn to be the shy one. "I have so many regrets, and I don't want this to be one of them. I never meant to hurt you by pushing you away. It wasn't a punishment. I thought I was protecting you from what I had become."

He pulls me to his solid chest, and I am pleased again to find it is just the two of us, the powers seemingly asleep.

"You have to promise me something." Van's voice is muffled in my hair. The rhythmic drumming of his heart in my ear makes me want to swear anything at the moment, but even in my state I know better and keep silent. "I need your word that we have more than tonight together. There is no running after this, Hitomi. Are we in this together from now on?"

"It's what I want more than anything." I am careful to speak only the truth without an oath of any kind. I can't promise what tomorrow will bring, but I'd love for this to be the rest of my life. Here with Van, just the two of us, partners in every way.

He tilts my face up, and I know there is no going back. For once, falling is exactly what I want as long as we fall together. Nothing matters but the taste of his lips on mine. Nothing can change the electricity and heat growing between us.

Van is still gentle, as if at any moment I could change my mind and run away.

"I won't break," I assure him, running my fingers through his thick, raven hair. All I can feel is him, and this has to be heaven.

"Do you love me?" he asks, voice low and soft. The simple question reverberates between us.

"I do. I love you, Van." The truth is sometimes all that matters, no matter how complicated it makes things in the long run. I lay back on the soft mattress, pulling him with me. The rest of the world could end tomorrow and I would be alright with that. My world is right here in my arms, right where he belongs. Nothing can ever take this night from me.

To be continued…

 **A/N-**

 **WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

 **Have you gotten a chance to snap your jaw back in place? I don't want to ruin the moment but should take a few moments to explain a few things. The story was always heading here. How it got to this place has morphed with the growth of the story. I had to figure out how to do this as Hitomi has reverted to the darker more troubled person she was a few chapters. This is not the end there is still the climax… ha ha double meaning.**

 **I've had enough mandatory sexual assault trainings (The powerpoints are the worst) to know that having sex with someone under the influence of alcohol is considered rape. I wanted to make it very clear that Van; 1. Doesn't know Hitomi is drunk. 2. She is very consenting. 3. Did not force or instigate in anyway. This is NOT rape. This is two people who love each other expressing themselves physically. It just took a little liquid courage for Hitomi to manage that much contact.**

 **I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable with the situation. She will remember everything and won't regret it… well… I'm going to shut up now.**

 **Thank you again to everyone who has read and reviewed.**


	7. Open Wounds

**I'm back! So here we are the story is revving up to the end. A lot of the questions will be answered in this chapter, but there is still one full chapter left for the conclusion and the epilogue after that.**

 **My life like my writing is still a bit messy so I am very grateful for my Beta. Without Meganna well let's just say even I don't want to suffer through my un-edited writing very often. Even though I posted the last chapter without her she still edited it for me and this one as well. I've reposed chapter 6 with proper editing now.**

 **So with everything going on in my life I was only able to spend one day at the local anime convention. I was dressed as Van and carried the prop sword I made. It was so freshly finished you could still smell spray-paint on the blade. I entered into a craftsman cosplay contest but didn't win even though I was only novice level. I think I need more if I want to compete especially with a character that many don't know these days. I'm thinking of making the chest-plate, shoulders, and cape from the Escaflowne and wearing it over my Van costume. Kind of a melif-pilot combo. Either that or I want to make huge wings and possibly use copies of the tarot cards as the feathers… maybe that's a little too much. I want people that don't know Escaflowne to go "Wow! That's cool! Where are you from?" Then I could open them to the wonderful world we love.**

 **Thank you again for the wonderful, thoughtful, amazing reviews. I can't wait to hear what you all think of this chapter.**

 **Chapter 7 - Open Wounds**

My dreams are full of delicate skin, the sweet smell of feather soft hair, and pure innocent eyes. I wake knowing that last night was something I will always remember and treasure, but it can never happen again. As much as I'd love to wake up every morning comforted by his strong arms, it is asking too much. I have no headache from the vino which I drank a little too much of last night. Unfortunately, there are other consequences.

This can't happen again, because I can't drink anymore, at least for the next nine months. I should be more shocked, but somehow between the visions both when I first arrived and just now, I know this to be true. All it took was once. One time where I was able to overcome the constant fear, doubt, and overwhelming power.

Most women figure out their condition after weeks and not hours, but then again, I haven't been normal for a very long time. In this case, knowing isn't the hard part. I don't regret last night in the slightest, but had I been a little smarter, I could have tried to prevent the end result. As things are, I could hide my condition for a while. Then what? Van will find out sooner or later. What will he say?

Of course, he would be happy. This is what he wants more than anything, a family, specifically a family with me. I wish it could be that easy. The real question is am I happy with this? I've resigned myself to never having children, and right now the seed has already been sown, so to speak.

Scientifically, I know it is just a collection of cells. On the other hand, I feel deep down that it is a part of Van that I carry with me physically. I don't want to love something I never wanted, but it's already too late for that. Sadly, nothing else has changed.

I could possibly be happy if my other worries had lessened somehow. The alcohol has worn off, and I am once again being attacked by emotions, memories, and sensations from all around me. I want to flee into the silent shadows of my room. I would hide from the world and pretend like everything didn't hurt like an open wound. Running away is currently impossible, because the moment I move Van will wake up.

He looks so peaceful. I would hate to ruin this moment. I do the best I can to tune out all the other noise and just memorize every detail. Van's face looks younger, almost like when we first met, if you ignore the dark stubble, the more mature body, and the lack of a haughty attitude. This is a rare sight, as most of the time he is a calm, stubborn, logical, and steadfast king. Right now he is a man who doesn't know everything has changed again. How fleeting his happiness always seems to be.

We lay twined together, my head resting comfortably on his left arm though I'm sure it is numb from this position. I am close enough to count the steady heartbeats, cradled and protected from the world. His right arm drapes heavily across my stomach. How would he react if I told him how close a new Fanel is? Instead, I find my fingers tracing the vibrant blue diamonds inked on his shoulder. The warm tan skin ripples slightly under my touch and I know he's awake.

"Morning," I mumble, not sure of the condition of my breath.

He cracks one eyes and swiftly pulls me tighter to his chest. Nothing between us, I flush remembering what did and could happen again in this situation. I burn hotter now that I want two very different things simultaneously. First, I want to drown out the rest of the world and explore more of this man. On the other hand, I crave to be fully dressed and on the farthest side of the room if not on another world entirely.

"Hey!" My embarrassment wins out as I try to wiggle away. Van groans into my hair, as I have only achieved a new level of making things worse for the both of us.

The warning bells go off in my mind, and I am able to slip from his grip with an agility that I'd forgotten I had. Scooping my shirt off the floor, I dart into the large closet just as the main door opens. Heart pounding in my throat, I roughly pull the fabric over my hair still wild from last night's activities.

Before anything is said, I know who it is. "What is it. Merle?" Van's voice is deep and rough with sleep. I know below those sheets he is completely naked. Hopefully this early morning visitor doesn't figure it out.

"Lord Van." She seems more subdued this morning. "My ship leaves soon and I wanted to check on you before I go."

"I'm fine. Have a safe trip, Merle." I don't need a vision to know that the Neko's brows have shot up at her brother's unusual reaction. It's true he agreed she could go, but it was reluctantly. Now he seems almost glad to be rid of her.

"You're acting strange, Lord Van." Her voice sounds rightfully suspicious. "Is something funny going on here?"

"Nothing is going on, really." For a royal, Van is a bad liar, and she knows it.

"Well, if you're sure, I'll go. See you in two weeks" Her voice sounds cheery, but there is an edge I can't place by sound alone. "Oh, Lord Van, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure, what is it, Merle?" Poor, naive Van walks right into the trap. I don't know what she is planning, but I at least know something is up.

"Tell Hitomi her underwear is under the foot of your bed when she comes out of the closet." The door clicks shut at her exit. I stumble out of the closet expecting the disapproving Neko to be only pretending to leave so she can ambush me.

Merle is gone. Van and I share a wide eyed look before he starts laughing.

"Not funny," I grumble and bend down to retrieve the betraying garment. In doing so, I know I'm exposing my rear. Not that Van hasn't seen it all before, but this whole situation is still mortifying and makes the color rise in my cheeks once more.

"Well, it's not like we've ever been able to hide anything from her before." I want to smack the smile from his face, but this time I resist.

"Oh, and that's supposed to make me feel better?" It comes out sharper than I intended, but embarrassment tends to do that.

He says something, but I can't hear it. The world swims and my knees go weak. Before I can crumple to the ground, strong arms catch me. I would say his concerned face appears over me, but that wouldn't be the whole truth. I actually see four Vans. The first is young and weary, the boy who killed the dragon. Second is the man I have come to know these last few weeks, the man who is pure despite the darkness he still carries like a badge of honor.

The other two are yet to be, and I can't figure out how I am seeing them. The next Van is who I saw in the future I wasn't a part of, the austere king with a mustache and a family I will never know. This last man I've never seen before, his raven hair is long and pulled back at his nape, concern and love etched on his clean shaven face. These must be the different sides of the person he can become in the future depending on the path we travel now.

My vision hasn't cleared, and I feel myself being lifted back into the large bed. The four Vans turn to go, and I grab for which ever one I can touch. My fingers cut through the images only I can see and grip the Van from now by his bare arm. The contact almost burns me, but I still hold on.

"Don't." I'm just barely able to say. "No healers." The words are thick in my mouth and difficult to form. No one can help as this is not a medical issue. I shouldn't have any symptoms from my condition yet, so this has to be purely the powers raging out of control.

Black spots dance across my vision, making everything feel even more surreal. The saddest thing is I have a good idea what is doing this for once. The wheel of fate always keeps turning. That future path we were on was diverted when I chose to get a grip on my life and powers. It changed again when I returned to Gaia and Van, but the other path, the one I saw with him happy with another woman, was still remotely possible.

Now the future is split by one decision, one that I, and I alone, can make. Last night was not a timeline that had been set in motion until I acted on impulse and took advantage of an alcohol induced power shutdown. If I tell Van about what our activities have created, then that future will be set and the other one will no longer be a possibility. On the other hand, if I decide to not stay and become a wife, queen, and mother, the other path could still be open to Van.

I should have more time to make a choice this big, but when have I ever been the one truly in control here? Shouldn't it be about what I want? Or what is best for Van? None of these decisions have any way of getting rid of these wild, destructive powers, so I can't base anything on _what ifs_.

The truth of the matter is that the way I am now, the troubled person I have become, is not able to be a fit wife or mother. I would only be a burden on Van and our unborn child. Pain and heartache would control them just as everyone around me has been hindered by what I can't handle. Leaving would spare so much heartache, but it would wound me so deeply to leave Van. In that case, what about the baby? Could I raise it alone? No, that would be a disaster.

I couldn't possibly get rid of it; I already love it so much. The visions have already made sure of that. I've felt the life moving inside me as though it were almost ready to face the world. I have kissed soft cheeks and smelled the sweetness of baby hair. I have held the warmth of my child to my chest and been comforted by the quick, strong flutter of a tiny heart.

No, I could never hurt this child. It would kill a piece of me. There is another option. One that would hurt me but save Van and the baby from being weighed down by my instability. I leave, find somewhere safe to help this baby grow healthy, and when the time comes, I give birth. As soon as I am able, I return, leave the child with his father, and disappear again. By the time that happens, Van will already be married to the princess. Though this baby may never be king, he will be loved and cared for.

Having one strong, stable parent is better than nothing, and Van will be an amazing father. I have seen it.

I love Van, but I can't be the woman he needs. I refuse to be a burden on him and this child. It will break my heart to have to walk away not once but twice, though it has to be done. The long haired man starts to fade. He isn't entirely gone, but with my decision the chance that he will exist as that person lessens. There is one thing about him that draws my attention. He has a solid red band tattooed around his left bicep that none of the other versions of Van wear.

I try not to think about what it could be. Instead, I stand by my choice, a decision that will destroy any trust the man I love ever held for me. Now that my mind is set, my vision clears and I begin to feel stronger. The black spots disappear altogether, but the versions of Van remain though they are less solid than the real man worrying over me.

"I'm okay." My voice comes out soft but stronger, and his relief is visible.

"What happened, Hitomi?" He's still worried though. I wish I could tell him the truth without making things worse.

"I didn't eat anything yesterday." I tell a fraction of the truth. "To be honest, I drank some vino on an empty stomach, and it hit me pretty hard."

I can see him putting the pieces together. "You were drunk last night?" His face is grim, and I can tell he's starting to blame himself for what happened.

"It's true I was drunk, but I still knew what was happening. I wanted it to happen." I reach for his hand, and the faded version starts to become more solid again. I pull my hand back letting the phantom become more transparent again, less real. No, I can't give him hope. I can't let my resolve waver. "Truth is I sometimes have to dull the powers just so I can sleep without screaming. Last night I felt so bad about how I reacted towards you after that strong vision, so I took advantage of not feeling any of the abilities. If anything, I led you on."

"Why have you been hiding how bad it has become from me?" I know he is angry but more so at himself for not pushing more. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, Van turning the blame inward for not having the answers to fix me.

"I didn't want you to worry more than you already do." My hands fist the blankets nervously, trying anything to keep from wanting to comfort him. "I think I just need to eat something and rest today."

The second part is only half the truth. I do need to eat and take better care of myself from now on, but the sooner I make a solid plan, the less likely I will ruin everything.

I can only watch as Van quickly washes and dresses for the day. He makes sure I haven't set a toe out of bed before ordering breakfast to be brought to his room. The food arrives, and though I still have no appetite, I force myself to take small bites of everything and wash it down with plenty of water. He observes me the whole time, and I know his hovering is out of love and worry. If only he knew how much there was to worry about.

Once I've eaten all I can handle, I beg to go back and rest in my room where I will create less gossip. Already the servants are starting to buzz about our early morning breakfast in bed. If people didn't think we were together before, they surely do now.

Last night I wasn't the slightest bit embarrassed to visit his room wearing only a large t-shirt and a pair of thin panties. Now I am mortified at the thought of someone else seeing me like this. Van reluctantly brings me a pair of the tan breeches and a white undershirt. Both are massive on me. The pants I have to roll up but are tight on my wider hips. The white tunic is cut just like his favorite red ones but obviously worn far less. The camouflaged slits feel unusual over my shoulder blades, but I see how he has grown used to it. I could have worn my own shirt at least, but this way I am surrounded by the clean, earthy smell of him comforting me. I'm also grateful for the extra fabric.

With slight disapproval, Van walks me back to my room and makes sure I am safely tucked into bed before he heads to his study to get some work done. I can feel him as he moves farther from me. Once a safe enough distance away, I shimmy out from under the covers and head for my wardrobe.

The bags I arrived with are dry and folded flat, but they will not be empty for long. I trade Van's outfit for a simple dress and stuff the remainder of my clothes, both from Earth and those given to me here, into the bags. The tan pants I fold on the bed, but the tunic I decide to take with me. Using the white linen shirt, I wrap the few salvaged pictures and my barely water stained tarot cards and place the bundle into the top of the smaller bag.

I have a few small pieces of jewelry brought with me from home that I can sell when I get far enough out of the main city. I've been given a few nice things here, but those can stay behind. I refuse to pawn something that never really felt like mine. Selling something Van has given me would make me feel dirty and very much like a thief. I'm already betraying him enough.

There are a few books I've borrowed from the library to occupy the nights where sleep didn't come easily or at all. One of them has a large, fold out map of Fanelia and its neighboring kingdoms. Opening the map on the twisted sheets of my bed, I wish for the pendant for the first time in a long time. I use a regular necklace with a silver charm on the end to dowse with instead.

I am drawn to an area on the northern border, almost in Daedalus. It is densely forested but with easily navigable hunter's paths. It is also near a small village. In my mind, I see a small, abandoned cottage, one that with a little cleaning could be a decent place to stay for a while. A small stream trickles fresh mountain water nearby. The major bonus for me is this is only a few days walk from the capital. Even less if I am able to beg a ride from a nice farmer, but most likely I will keep to myself and steer clear of all strangers.

There is always the slight chance that Van could use the pendant like this and find me, but once in the woods, I think his skills would be limited enough that I could remain hidden. I know he will look for me and for a while he will wait. Eventually, Van will have to give up and move on. If anything, he could think I have returned home by pillar of light, leaving him once more.

I glance around the room that never really felt like home and know that I am just delaying now. There is one last stop to make and it's the kitchens. They are pretty startled to see me but are polite though extremely curious. I mention wanting to take a walk to the shrine and royal graveyard, and that I should take some lunch with me. The cooks are happy to comply by filling my arms with bread, cheese, dried meat, a flask of water, and several ripe fruits that remind me of apples. One woman offers me a pisscus, but the tart fruit reminds me too much of the naive girl I once was and the awkward boy who tried to cheer her up.

I leave the kitchen with enough food to last me almost a week, and once I am alone, I let my hard earned smile drop. My bags have been hidden in the closest stairwell and are left undiscovered during my food gathering mission. Once fully packed, I heft the much heavier luggage onto my shoulders and use my strong senses to make the quickest path out of the palace without coming across another person.

I can still feel Van and know his worry will soon outweigh his plan to give me space and let me rest undisturbed. He will find me gone very soon. I can only hope word of my fake story will reach him and send the poor man in the wrong direction, at least temporarily.

I thought the hardest part about all this would be leaving Van, but truly the real test of my will is the city. I haven't spent much time outside the palace for good reason. There are so many people. It's overwhelming. Both living and dead calling Fanelia their home echo around me.

So many emotions wash over me, and nothing stops the constant incoming waves. I bite the inside of my cheek until I taste the copper tang of blood, and the pain dulls some of the sensations, enough that I can move forward. My sense of Van is still connected, and I can feel him moving through the palace towards my empty room. I'm running out of time.

Somehow, I make the downward trek through winding streets, never stopping, never losing sight of why I need to do this. I can't stay here with the pressure and the pain any longer. _I'm so sorry, Van_.

He'll never forgive me, and I wouldn't want him to. Hate is easier to accept than grief; one burns hotly while the other chills you to the core.

I walk through the new gate I don't remember ever passing through. Just a nameless face in the crowd. No one calls out or stops me. Somehow, I am disappointed. My heart aches from loss, but in the long run, I know I am giving his future a chance at actual happiness.

One foot in front of the other, always moving forward. The noise fades but never stops altogether. Growing distance between me and the capitol helps, though it never feels like it will be enough. The horizon is painted orange by the setting sun, but still I walk on. I keep on the main road leading me north, towards the field I landed in. If I only knew then how things had deteriorated, would I have still followed that path?

The answer is easy. Yes.

I love Van, and if I could have done something different, maybe I would have come back to him sooner. You can't change your past no matter how much you may wish. All I know is that the only way to keep from making those mistakes is to accept them. Like Van has.

On the other hand, I don't think I'll ever be able to put that into practice. I always keep running. To save those I love, I'll keep running forever.

Night has fallen. The darkness doesn't comfort me or my throbbing feet. I haven't stopped to rest once, but I ate small bites of bread and cheese while continuing one step at a time. The fields sway in the light breeze. It is a mild night, and I am grateful for the sister moons illuminating my path.

I've felt flashes from Van and know he is bound to search this direction eventually. My heart beats faster with his worry and fear even from this distance. It seems our connection that I thought was severed forever is back even if only one sided. I can feel him, but he still can't sense me and that is a good thing.

Each time someone nears me on the road, I have hidden in the tall grass until they pass. Mostly it was lesser merchants or farmers returning from market. They continue on by with no knowledge of my presence.

It seems I've made good time and am close to the farm where Van and I sheltered from the storm a lifetime ago. A girl who had a naive handle on her powers and the boy who loved her obliviously. So much has changed in such a short time. Determined not to stop, I do realize how exhaustion slows my steps and muddles my reactions.

An image flashes quickly that changes my mind. The bandit with a jagged scar running though his eyebrow. He should be in custody in the city, but what if he was able to escape or buy his freedom somehow? Would he return to the farmhouse for vengeance? What would he do if our paths crossed? Whatever he could plan for me wouldn't be pretty, and I am far too tired and weak to defend myself, even if I could control my powers at this point.

I turn towards the farm even knowing the chance of Van finding me has just doubled. As much as I want to continue, it is no longer possible. The risks far outweigh any chance at success if I were to keep going at this point. I need actual rest and to get off this road as soon as possible. If the outlaw does come this way, I'm safer indoors and the farmer is better off with my warning bells.

As exhausted as I am, I barely remember knocking or anything that follows. They are surprised to see me and even more so that I am alone and walking like a peasant. I'm far too famous and important to be traveling without protection or any sort of comfort. Again, that is their belief, not mine.

Word must have not spread of my disappearance yet as I am quickly welcomed in. I don't remember what story I told or if they believed me at all. The only thing that mattered is that I was set up in a spare room, or it would be spare if the ghost soldier wasn't lingering there watching from the window. There isn't enough energy in me to bother with him. I huddle under the covers, praying for warmth and sleep.

The minutes tick by, but sleep continues to elude me. He remains there on constant, unwavering vigil. Climbing out of the narrow bed, I clutch the blankets around my shoulders. The nearer I get to him, the colder it is. I'm tired and very frustrated, so I can't be blamed for my actions at this point.

"What do you want?" I try to speak softly since it's late and my last minute hosts deserve not to be woken.

He doesn't move or acknowledge my presence. It's not the first time I've felt like the ghost, but it still isn't pleasant.

"Is there something I can do to help you move on?" Still no reaction. In all the stories and movies ghosts want you to see them. They want something from the living, some sort of task they never completed. For this person who died unable to warn his people of the Zaibach attack, it could be something complicated or as simple as telling his parents he loves them. "Please, let me help you."

"Who are you talking to?" The gruff voice by the door nearly makes me jump.

Heart pounding, I spin to see a groggy farmer standing unsure in the door way. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you." I clutch the blankets tighter. "I couldn't sleep, and sometimes looking at the moons calms me."

"Couldn't sleep either. Must be a draft in the house. I always feel a chill late at night." He nods at my lie and rubs his bare arms. The motion draws my eyes to his left bicep and the thin red line inked there. It's more faded and unevenly inked unlike the tattoo worn by future Van.

"Do you mind if I ask what that stands for?" I motion to the red line not sure if it is too personal; some tattoos are.

He looks down at his arm which had been covered with long sleeves every other time I saw him. "Oh, this." The man puffs up slightly, proud. "Being from another world you may not know some of the older customs, but the king should have told you by now. It's a Fanelian tradition older than any record written."

"Like the blue diamonds?" I ask with a pang in my heart just thinking of the stubborn man.

"Much the same but very different." The farmer studies me for a moment before continuing. "The king wears the mark of warrior kings that have come before him, and only one who has been so tested and loved by his people could claim that as their own. This any man can wear, but many do not keep to the old ways anymore. Now it is a rare sight, indeed. I'd hope one day the king would wear this mark for you, Lady Hitomi."

"Why is that?" I ask, slightly taken aback. It's rare that happens anymore. It's not that I don't feel his emotions, but I'm not sure what they mean.

"It signifies a binding commitment between a man and his wife." He smiles to himself, and I know he is not thinking of me but the woman asleep under the same roof. "To love and cherish that woman for this life and the next. The tattoo is inked into flesh the day you marry your soul mate and can never be undone."

My head reels at the implications. The Van that faded when I decided to leave, when I betrayed him, was the man who had married his soul mate, me. The other king seemed happy but didn't love his wife. He respected her even if he didn't cherish her the way he would me.

"It's late," he states simply, unaware that my world was spinning out of control once more. I vaguely remember wishing him a good night and shutting the door.

Have I made a terrible mistake? What if there is a way to calm or get rid of the powers? I never let myself believe that there was any hope beyond just barely coping. What if I was wrong this whole time?

I go to sit on the edge of the bed absently, but I realize someone is already there. The blazer style high school uniform is wrinkle free, and the red bow at her throat makes the scarlet tint in the girl's hair stand out more. Yukari, young and whole as I remember her before things changed and the world became a scary place.

I'm at a loss as to what to say. She is vibrant and everything I've fought so hard not to forget. I glance at the soldier who seems cold and washed out by comparison.

"Well, you don't make things easy on a girl, do you, Hitomi?" Yukari's voice has the light, almost patronizing lilt that I remember so well from every time she teased me. "Keeping company with a Shade no less makes it hard to watch over you, my friend."

I want to ask her a million things, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth isn't even on the top of the list. "What is a Shade?"

"Well, he is, of course, silly." The teen shakes her head as if I'm the slowest person on Earth and motions at the solider. "He's just a shadow of a person, not an actual ghost or soul, just a fragment really tethered in your realm. They don't have a task or goal, but they are trapped between worlds by the manner of how they died or their bodies not being properly buried."

"What do they want?" I ask, watching the sorrowful youth by the window. He's turned towards us, or more so Yukari.

She thinks for a minute, tapping her lips in concentration. "I guess they want what we all want. To be remembered."

Before I can get her to elaborate, she turns her attention towards the dead solider and shoos him like she would have a teenage me that had been pestering her. "Go on. Get out of here. We don't need you right now. I need to have girl talk time with my friend here." He fades away until it is just me and the soul of my best friend alone in the dark, quiet room. "Don't look at me like that. He's not gone for good. Unlike you, I don't have that kind of power."

This is the Yukari I've missed more than anything. The strong willed girl that always pushed me even if making me happy hurt her. An outgoing girl that I could bribe with sweets and hugs, but this is just the version of her that she thinks would make me happiest.

Just like with Grandmother Yuri, and in some ways she is right, but in other ways it makes me sadder. Yukari will never have the chances that any girl dreams of. She will never fall in love or get married. She will never hold her newborn child or watch as it plays and grows. She'll never decorate her own home or complain about her coworkers. I took that future away just by being her friend. I ruined everything one rainy day, and all that I have gone through since can't atone for my sins.

"I'm so sorry, Yukari."

Her eyes narrow a moment before continuing with her teenage act. "You had better be sorry, Hitomi Kanzaki! Here you go making a mess of things again, even after all my hard work!" Yukari rants and things start to fall in place. "I go through the trouble of setting everything up so you can finally turn your life around, and at the first roadblock, you go running away again."

"Wait, the other sprits. That was all your doing?" She looks so proud while still remaining angry at me. I can feel my temper flare in response. "The past, present, and future lessons that pushed me into this life. Why wouldn't you just come out and tell me instead of sending me through all this? What about when I visited you? Were you just messing with me then?!"

"I wasn't going to come to you at all, but I had to. You gave me no choice. I appeared as I did in life and knew you had to let go of some of your guilt before you could return here and begin your life again. I was wrong. You are still holding on to that misguided self-doubt." She looks so sad, but I can't forgive her quite yet. "Hitomi, this is your chance. Don't blow it again."

"Yukari, you don't understand!" In some ways, this makes me so happy to be able to argue with her again. Then I remember I'm the reason she'll never show that passion to anyone else. "I only hurt the people I care about."

"By pushing us away." The emotion in her voice stops me, but what cools my anger the quickest is the images that have begun to play around us. A collage consisting of moments made up of both trips to Gaia and the sad years in-between. One thing is constant in all the moments, my fear hurting those around me. "By pushing _**him**_ away."

Being forced to look at his honest face physically hurts. "Van would be better off without me." I truly believe it, but the exasperated look Yukari gives me tells another story.

"Would he really?" Her head tilts in disbelief, and yet again the similarities between Merle and her are apparent. I feel like I have to convince her. I have to prove that what I am doing is best for him. What is actually best for everyone who cares about me.

"I saw it. He would move on and start a family. The family he's always wanted." Saying this causes a sharp pang, but all I want is for him to be happy. This is the right thing to do.

"If you were dead." The teen states bluntly, her arms crossed over her chest coldly. "Do you plan on dying?"

That shocks me into sputtering. "W-what? No!"

"Well, that is the only way he would ever give up on you. If you left him no choice." She watches me keenly but continues despite my discomfort. "You run away now, and you take everything away from that man again. He'll always have that tiny sliver of hope to hold on to. You realize that he won't give that up for anything. Some days hope is all that's left."

My mouth feels dry and rough as sandpaper. She can't be right… can she? "I saw it though. He would marry a princess and be happy."

"For a bit maybe." She nods lightly in agreement, but my relief is short lived. "You can be with someone but not be in love with them. Being stuck with someone who can never love you back will always turn into resentment. You may have seen a few moments of happiness, but they like most things will pass."

"His feelings for me will pass, too." I know the lie is weak, but my other arguments have failed. As she was in life, Yukari is a lot sharper than I'd ever realized.

"I don't think you get it. You're his one." I know she is saying the truth, but it doesn't change things. Now if there was a cure to my curse, or even a logical way to calm and control things, then there might be a chance for us.

"I can't." Tears burn in my eyes, but I refuse to cry. "I'm broken, Yukari, and I can't stop what is happening to me. Every time I feel in control, things only get worse. Being near Van will only hurt him in the long run."

I feel the emotions welling strongly like the time I sent myself back home. Being inside a house, I'm not sure what the pillar of light will do, but right now I don't care. The fine hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and my heart only pounds harder.

Icy hands grip either side of my face in a tight, almost painful shock that breaks the spell of power being called. Yukari is impossibly close, and I'm not sure how a spirit can feel so solid and ghostly at the same time. Her expression is fierce, but her eyes are worried.

"You can't, Hitomi." I want to argue but can't break the connection between us. "If you touch the pillar one more time, it will kill you. Don't you get it? That's what is doing this to you. Your mind and body can't take anymore. A normal person couldn't have survived this long after absorbing so much power."

New images surround us. Grandmother being swept away and returned through the light. The first time Van landed in front of me and I thought he was a vision and ran into him and the brightness still surrounding the boy. When the energist reacted sending us both to Gaia. The day Fanelia was attacked and surrounded by burning death I called the pillar sending us safely away. So many times we traveled or were touched by the pillar, something made of pure uncontrollable power. If the last few times were to be counted as well, then more than twelve times have I come in contact with that much raw energy.

My hands are shaking and I stagger out of her reach until my back is pressed into the plaster of the wall. "My powers started before I came in contact with the pillar of light."

"That's right." Yukari's hands drop to her side slowly as if being sure not to make any sudden moves, like I'm a skittish animal backed into a corner. "Your grandmother passed it down to you from her contact with the light. It left a bit of itself inside of her from her trips, just as it did you. Every time your powers seemed to grow or change, you had gained a little more of the light by contact. Hitomi, you started with a little extra luck and fortunetelling ability, not enough to be noteworthy until your fate became twined with his."

"The constant pressure…that's from absorbing too much power?" I slide to the floor weak kneed and stare at my shaking hands as if expecting them to glow.

Yukari nods, crouching in front of me. Her short skirt is tucked in the practiced manner most school girls learn to keep from showing panties every time they bend down. "You would have been fine if you never came back home. The power was strong but not uncontrollable."

"Why wasn't Van affected like this? He had almost as much contact as I did until the last few times." I search her face for answers but find only more questions.

"I guess the easiest explanation is that his unusual blood already has its own magic, and it protected him like a shield." I can tell this is only part of the truth. He wasn't completely safe as a normal person would never have been able to learn to mentally dowse or connect with Escaflowne the way he did. That was partly the power and partly my fault for teaching him to focus it. Yukari continues despite my distraction. "For some reason, the power resonates most with females. Even if he hadn't been safe, it still wouldn't have been as extreme as it was with you, a rare girl born with some of it already living inside of her."

"Lucky me," I say bitterly. "There has to be a way to get rid of something like this. Something I never wanted."

"Actually, you've already started." The ghost of my best friend pointed a delicate finger at my stomach. "The only way to get rid of the power is to pass it on. Just like your Grandmother passed it to your mother, and she passed it on to you."

"My child?" Automatically, my hands move as if to protect the budding life I carry. "He'll be like me." My voice came out softly as my throat felt tight with emotion. It's my greatest fear come to reality. That someone else will have to suffer that way I have and entirely because of me.

"No, Hitomi." I almost miss the understanding in Yukari's too wise eyes. "Only a small piece will pass on, but it should be enough to help you breathe again. See, things will work out if you face them. You don't have to rip your own heart out to save everyone else."

I could cry from relief. "If it was all meant to work out, then why does it hurt so much?" I don't really need an answer as I realize what this has all be about. Without the midnight visitors, I wouldn't have found the strength to change my fate. A destiny ending in fire and sadness was rewritten to include a life of love and possibilities. If I had tried to return without gaining some control and strengthening my mind, then I wouldn't have survived the trip. The power would have consumed me, and it nearly did.

My fear and guilt made controlling anything impossible, and the emotions only fed the power filling me to bursting. It doesn't have to be like this. I don't have to give up everything I love. Well, almost.

Yukari begins to shimmer and fade. Her job done. Impulsively, I reach out, praying the powers give me the strength to transcend the realms. I pull the startled ghost into my arms. She doesn't feel quite solid, but I know my embrace still affects her.

"I'll always miss you, but I think I can finally let you go." She smell faintly sweet like sugared cherry blossoms. "I won't ever forget you, Yukari, my best friend."

A warmth fills my chest as the weight of guilt lifts. My friend is gone, but I know she has found peace. With new strength, I stand back up. Silently, I go to the window and to the cold spot that never truly left. The Shade of the guard comes back into focus. I don't touch him, because I don't need to.

"You have done your job well. Fanelia will know your sacrifice, and I will never forget your name." As I speak honestly, the shadows begin to lift. I remember every memory living inside these walls and I know him well. Standing before me is a relieved young man who has been trapped between worlds for far too long. "Go in peace, Lowen."

At the sound of his name, he smiles and glows softly like fireflies on a summer night. _"Thank you."_

The rooms is no longer cold, and the house itself feels different. Exhausted physically and magically, I crawl into bed. Before passing into unconsciousness, I hope there is still time for me to make things right with Van. Will love really be enough to heal the pain I have caused him? I'll find out in the morning for better or worse.

 **To Be Continued…**

 **So I had to convince myself not to have Yukari say "He looks at you the way I look at cheesecake." It was very difficult because I am very cheesy at heart.**

 **Well there you go I've answered most of the questions. The powers come from the pillar of light and it gets stronger every time Hitomi comes into contact with it, because more energy gets left behind inside of her. That's what happens when you meddle with thing beyond your control. Hitomi could call the light easily since it was part of her, but the negative effects are that a human body wasn't made to hold that kind of power.**

 **Yukari was behind everything from the start. She was like Hitomi's guardian angel and saw the sad end her friend would face if not forced to change her destiny. Then again no matter her intentions she could never have controlled Hitomi's reactions to things, which then changed her path again.**

 **The ghosts or as I've classified them as Shades aren't wandering lost souls but a shadow of a person. Now that Hitomi knows she might just have to do something about the number of them haunting Fanelia.**

 **Finally the baby. I know it wasn't a secret. One of my guilty pleasures is watching Asian dramas. Korean and Taiwanese are my favorite to watch, thank you Netflix for indulging me. So the baby which made Hitomi react in such a way is also the key to controlling her powers. I'm sappy I know, but somehow you all stick around so it's got to be working.**

 **Please Review and stay tuned for the rest of the story. The drama isn't over yet!**


	8. Bleeding Out

**Buckle up my friends it's time for the last full chapter of More Than Skin Deep. It's going to be a wild ride of emotions.**

 **Let's take a quick moment to answer a few things from the last set of reviews. It's a long chapter we got to work ourselves up to it right.**

 **pinkdynamite- there was originally a short conversation where Yukari compares the princess to having to eat the same food at every meal, in that case miso soup. That no matter how good it is inevitably you'll get sick of it. But Hitomi is like Van's favorite food. Instead for getting bored of the same thing it would be like rediscovering the different reasons why you love it every day. It would have ended with the cheesecake bit, but was too drawn out and kind of silly for the tone and pace of the story. I had to cut it out. Sorry. It will always hold a special place in my heart though.**

 **dinkycharlie- I'm glad you liked how it all tied together. Hitomi needed a real conclusion with her. A chance to properly say goodbye. In my thoughts the shades are just manifestations of our greatest fears, to be forgotten. To remember who you've lost not with pain, but with the thankfulness that they were a part of your life forever how brief, which is the best way to honor them. (My daughter's middle name is for my grandfather who passed away ten years ago from leukemia. I remember him with fondness not tears.)**

 **Miniclio- Hugs and love! I'm glad you're feeling better, and yes Hitomi has a lot of explaining to do.**

 **Meghanna Starsong- Thank you so much for everything you do! This story has come this far because your steadfast support. I did tie a lot of loose ends in the last story but not all of them. The rest of the tangled mess Hitomi has made of her red string will be sorted here. As you already know.**

 **Guest- If you thought that last chapter was positive then you might need to prepare your toothbrush, the overpowering sweetness is coming.**

 **Now on to the real show. I can't wait to hear what you all think. Don't kill me.**

Chapter 8- Bleeding Out

This won't end well. I know that right away after waking up. His emotions are downright volatile. Scared, worried, distraught, confused, disappointed, and most of all angry. Van is getting closer by the moment, and I know through our one sided connection that he hasn't slept all night.

To be honest, I wouldn't have expected him to seeing as how I just disappeared. The fact that I am safe and warm in bed makes me feel more than a little bit guilty. Okay, more like incredibly ashamed at my behavior yesterday.

First, I let him believe that I didn't feel well, and the next thing he knows is that I'm gone. Second, I made the conscious decision to cut him out of my life once more. Here I go thinking that I am saving him when I'm only causing the man more pain.

What would Van say if he knew this was all because I figured out I was pregnant early? That I would choose to lie and hide myself away instead of trusting him? How can he ever believe in me again? Faith can be a hard thing to earn back, and I've hurt him repeatedly. I just keep wounding him.

As much as I want a future with Van, could it really be what is best for him or our child? If Yukari is right, then the baby will inherit some of my power. This will ease the pressure on me and not entirely overwhelm the new life. It feels so selfish to be relieved when someone else will have to pay for my mistakes. How many times did I call the pillar?

Some of the times were out of my control, but others fed from the heightened and confused emotions of an overwhelmed teenage girl. Now this last trip back and I'm way over my quota of absorbed energy.

Grandmother made four quick trips and that left her with enough power to retain some while passing the rest onto my mother. Since Mom only had the amount of power she was born with it never seemed to have fully awakened in her, and when I was born, most if not all of it was passed on to me.

It wasn't until Van's destiny intertwined with mine that things began to get messy. Now it seems I have so much raw energy trapped inside that it is tearing me apart. Passing a little of it on should help, but what will the child's life be like? How much of it will he really get? Will he have terrible visions? Will he be overwhelmed by physical and emotional contact with other people?

I never wanted children because the risk that they would be like me was too great, and now I find out it is just another fact of my reality. Would it be better to continue on my current path, running away, to hide myself and this child away from the world that causes so much pain?

No, that's not fair to Van. He deserves some say in this after all. The only thing I can do is to lay out all the cards and see what the future has in store for us, so to speak.

Thanks to my connection with the currently angry king, I know I have enough time to change into a less wrinkled dress and freshen up a little. I have a good idea that this won't be a peaceful resolution, so I quietly slip from the house before the farmer and his family begin to stir.

The crisp predawn air fills my lungs and I wait. It won't be long, so I occupy myself by taking small bites of one of the juicy apple like fruits from my bag. I feel relatively well despite the long walk yesterday and the midnight visitors.

I see Van probably about the time he sees me. From a distance, and in a way, he is not alone. The different versions of him have not gone away. Actually, another image has appeared. This Van looks more tired than the original, with weary eyes and grey streaking his temples. I haven't seen him before running away yesterday. Yukari was right; this man never gave up hope, but despair and loneliness wore him down to a shadow of himself.

As five sets of boots touch down a few paces away, I wonder if he's been flying all night and decide I don't want to ask. Millions of feathers explode into the air as many sets of wings magically disintegrate. Only part of that is real, but I see the blizzard of white clearly. I expect yelling, but strong arms wordlessly pull me tightly to his solid chest. The guilt I feel doubles.

I happen to glance up at the house and see the farmer's rugged face in the window. I want to be embarrassed but can't find the emotion under everything else I'm feeling. The older man motions at the barn where he first found us, and I know exactly what he means. Van and I have a lot to talk about. If we head into the structure, then no one will disturb us.

"I was so scared you'd be gone." Van's voice is soft, and I can feel the difficulty he has saying it. His fears were so much more than I could have imagined. So many terrible things could have happened to me aside from just disappearing into the sky.

Reluctantly, I pull away, looking up into his honest face. "Van, we need to talk."

He sees my bags on the ground and his jaw tightens to clenching teeth. I wasn't swept away or kidnapped. It's clear I ran, the one thing he asked me not to do.

Still, the tall man lets me lead him to the barn. The moment the door is shut behind us, his low, dangerous voice sends shivers down my spine.

"Do you have any idea what has been going through my mind since I found you missing?"

This hits me especially hard, since there are five angry faces glaring at me. I want to apologize but instead react defensively.

"You think any of this is **easy** on me?!" I clench my fists hard enough to dig nails into the soft palms of my hands.

"Then help me understand," he pleads, gesturing widely with those same hands that held me not so long ago.

"I left to **save** you from me!" I blurt out, feeling overwhelmed by the many earnest faces pleading me for the full truth.

Van instinctually grabs my upper arms tightly, somehow knowing I want to flee again. "Hitomi, you can't **give up** and run away **again**!"

"Van, you're hurting me." I fight weakly, but his fingers only dig into the soft flesh harder. I can't get away from his viselike grip.

" **Good!** " he shouts and loosens his grip enough to stop from bruising me. His eyes are fierce, and I know he is hurting worse than I am. "Then maybe you'll finally see me! Not the past or future, but the man standing before you."

Suddenly, the five become one and I only see him. Just the Van that matters right now, and I nearly cry in relief. "How can I stay when it hurts so much?" I step into the circle of his arms, comforted by their strength.

"Please, Hitomi, you can't keep this up." He holds me tenderly, rubbing small, soothing circles in my back as you would a child waking from a nightmare. "I can handle the truth, so you need to be honest about what is really going on. What are you running from?"

I want to tell him everything, but I don't know how. I've held this all in for so long that I have no idea where to start. Breathing his scent deeply, I decide to start with fact and work my way to us. "The power is tearing me apart. I've accumulated too much of it and everything hurts, but more than anything, I didn't want to be a burden on you."

He opens his mouth to speak, but I place my fingers there to gently stop him. I see those same lips pressed against mine and can't tell if it is past or future. Swallowing hard, I continue. "I've seen other futures, ones where you go through with the political marriage and are happy. You have children that are your world and my loss doesn't seem so important."

It's Van who pulls away, putting physical distance between us. "Have you seen a future for us?" His voice is soft and I can barely breathe.

"Yes, I've seen us happy too." The hope in his deep mahogany eyes cuts me deeper than any weapon. "It's just that I can't figure out how that one could ever come true. The way I am now it seems impossible. I can't be the queen, the woman you deserve."

"Is this about children?" At his words, my hand flies on its own to the flat plain of my stomach, but thankfully he doesn't notice.

"Wouldn't it always end up being the issue?" I grip the fabric of my skirt tightly, afraid of giving myself away. "There would constantly be a risk that any child could turn out like me."

"Or like me?" I see it then. Van's been just as afraid as I have but for his own reasons. Growing up with what he was told was a terrible curse. Having to hide who and what he was for fear of how people will react. It was one of the many things Van never asked for but he had to accept regardless. He may have learned to embrace his wings, but some part of him still hoped the cursed Draconian blood might end with him.

"No, Van. The world needs more people like you, not less." The intensity growing between us is too much, and I have to look away. Focus on anything else. The barn looks the same as it did nearly a month ago with one exception. I'm not an expert on Gaian livestock, but there appears to be a new yorkel. The horse-like creature looks far less cared for than the rest, and I can't believe that the kind farmer would treat any animal so poorly. My distraction is cut short as Van embraces me once more.

"Only you make me feel whole, Hitomi." His words are a warm whisper in my hair. "I could never be happy with anyone but you."

"But-" I try to argue, Van doesn't give me a chance.

"That is a _different_ man you saw." I feel the deep sigh reverberate through his chest before he pulls back. He still holds my shoulders firmly. "I learned long ago that **family** is what you make for yourself. Merle will always be my family and so will you. Blood doesn't necessarily create the bonds people assume it will. We don't have to have kids of our own. If we adopt, then I will still have an heir and neither of our curses will pass on to the next generation."

"Adopt?" I question, feeling lightheaded. This has gone the opposite direction of what I expected. There should have been more yelling and arguing. I never expected Van to be so understanding, but then again, I never truly saw any of this from his side.

"Sure. One child or ten, it doesn't matter as long as we are in this together." He's so sincere my heart aches to tell him that adopting won't be necessary. "If you feel weak, I'll lend you my strength. Hitomi, I need you to promise me that the future is a path we will walk side by side."

I want that more than anything. Since I have gained control of my powers before, I can do it again. For the promise of a future where I am not a burden to Van, but a true partner, I would give just about anything.

Before I can respond, time stands still. At least it does for Van as he is frozen in place. I feel sick as if the floor is rocking beneath my feet, like a ship on stormy seas. My head turns, drawn as if magnetized towards the ledge of the loft. A dark figure lay poised and ready, a small yet deadly crossbow nocked and ready to shoot. I see the arrow fire, the line heading straight for Van's heart.

" _Certain people will pay good money for a dead King."_

I come back to myself gasping and sick. **He won't miss**. Before Van can ask what is wrong, I hear the sharp twang of the taunt string as the deadly bolt flies on its course. Without a clear thought, I react on instinct and shove as hard as I physically can.

Those mahogany eyes are full of shock as the pain hits. White hot and blinding, the metal bites into my soft flesh. The impact staggers me forward. I don't scream. There isn't the strength to. Van catches me before my legs give out, carefully lowering me to sit so he can see the shaft sticking out of my back.

"Hitomi!"

I search with my mind as it is the only thing that doesn't seem to hurt right now. "Nothing vital," I gasp, and talking sends another wave of pain washing over me.

Van's eyes burn with rage and dark promises as he leaps to the top of a nearby stall. Agilely, he rebounds off the wood, lightly landing on a ladder rung just long enough to turn and spring onto the edge near the previously hidden figure. Somewhere along the way his sword came free of its sheath, sharp and deadly it slices through the air.

The crossbow clatters noisily to the ground below, followed quickly by its owner. Air whooshes from the scared bandit as the impact stuns him. A second later, Van leaps down landing in a practiced crouch. He looks feral, but I know he won't kill this man no matter how much the outlaw deserves it.

Trying to scramble to his feet, the man freezes with the wickedly sharp sword point pressed to his throat.

"Just give me a reason." Van's voice is low and threatening. It cuts sharper than any blade.

As if called, the barn door slams open and the farmer appears, drawn by the noise of the scuffle. Taking in the scene, the older man grabs rope from a hook on the wall and heads for our repeat prisoner.

"Take her to the house." The farmer orders his King.

Now that someone else has the bandit in custody, Van returns to my side. His shirt shed in one easy movement. Using the blade still in his hand, Van slices through one side of the simple tunic. The action is repeated in the other direction, making two long strips of red cloth. He deftly wraps one piece above the arrow and another directly below, stabilizing the object impaling me while putting pressure to stop bleeding.

"No." The one word leaves no room for arguing. "There is a good healer in Arzas."

"Your majesty, the trip will take more than an hour by yorkel and the roads are rough. It's too dangerous." The poor man argued logically.

Wordlessly, Van sheaths his sword in the same move as his bare toned back begins to arch sharply. Enormous wings fill the air with dancing feathers. Blood drains from the bandit's face. I know everyone has heard the rumors, but it isn't the same as being face to face with a legend come to life. The outlaw has to come to terms with the fact that he just tried to kill a thing of legend, and failed.

Quickly cooling blood is draining from me in a different manner. The back of my dress is soaked and sticking even with the bandaging. As carefully as possible, Van lifts me into his arms. The movement makes my stomach roll sickly, and I have to grit my teeth against the sharp pain.

"My small bag." I am just barely able to mutter before we take off.

I know Van wants to ignore my request, but thankfully without need for debate, he bends down just enough to grab the handle with the arm bracing my knees. Even with as smooth a motion as Van can manage, my head spins with the pain. We lift off from the ground and immediately I know this a terrible idea. The fletching on the arrow vibrates in the wind generated by Van's hurried pace. I can feel it moving, although being jostled on the back of a yorkel would be far worse. Not removing the arrow without medical help would be a good idea if the chances didn't have me bleeding out before we even arrive.

As things are, I'm getting increasingly lightheaded and shivering has set in. Neither are good signs. I can feel the village nearing, but it won't be enough. The wound not being all the way through should have slowed bleeding by now, but something isn't right.

"Van, stop." I am able to shout over the wind whistling in my ears, but the effort is almost more than I can handle. "Down. Please."

Again, he wants to argue but doesn't. We touch down on the forest road about halfway to Arzas. The landing makes me let out a small cry, although I am grateful not to be flying anymore. I'm too weak to stand, and Van has to check my back. He heads for a small rock formation on the side of the road. He sets me down, and the world spins with dizzy stars dancing across my vision.

"You're bleeding too fast." He says, perplexed and worried. "Can you lean forward more?"

I try to move my legs so I can brace on my knees, but the movement seems slow and clumsy. My legs feel numb and I hadn't noticed over the pain while flying. Strong hands help me complete the motion. Stretching like this hurts, but I can at least place my head on my knees trying not to throw up what little I've eaten.

"Sorry." Van mumbles as he tears the back of my dress open with his bare hands. Not exactly the way I've ever thought he'd rip my clothes off. I can't see what he is doing, but every movement sends new shocks of agony. For some of reason it feels like he is smelling the wound. "Damn it. Saw palmetto and gingko for sure. Herbs used to increase blood flow. Poachers use them so any hit can be a kill shot. The longer the herbs are in the blood, the higher the concentration. If I had known, I would have never left the bolt in."

"So, it's got to come out." Even the short sentence tires me. I can feel Van's hands shaking. His hands never tremble. Hard to believe, but there has to be worse news.

"The arrow head will have barbs, so I can't just pull it out." Van's voice is factual, but I can tell he is either out of ideas or doesn't like what he's going to have to do. "We'll have to push it through, cut off the end, and pull the tip out the other side. But-"

"Making the wound bigger… will increase the chance I'll bleed out." I finish the thought for him even though it takes me a pause in the middle. The arrow itself is in a lucky spot, more my shoulder than back. It appears to be in the small gap between collarbone and shoulder blade so pushing it through won't hit bone or anything important.

"I'm sorry, Hitomi. I'm not a healer. I don't know what else to do," Van spoke softly, but I knew he hadn't given up yet. Just running out of options at this point.

"I'm not sorry," I state, trying to put my feelings into words without wasting too much energy. "He was going to kill you. I couldn't let that just happen, Van. I'll never regret saving you."

I have an idea. Hopefully, if this works, I'll have plenty of time to make things truly right between Van and me. This is only the start. I happened to pack several things that could be useful at this time. Funny thing is, I have no idea how much of it was coincidence and what part of it was foresight. The small bag I had Van grab has some clothes, but the rest of the space was taken up with what I consider my important items. The salvaged photos including ones with Yukari. My tarot cards wrapped in Van's white shirt. The remainder of my flask of water, and though I won't drink it, the half bottle of vino that helped get me into this mess to begin with. Lastly, a sharp knife that the palace kitchen may be missing by now.

Using the borrowed knife, Van cut the dress farther. This way the entirety of my left shoulder is visible as well. Taking the vino, he rinses and disinfects the wound. It burns terribly, and the sharp smell makes the nauseous feeling far worse. I debate on telling him everything now, but I know it won't help either of us at this point. Before anything else happens, Van slips the pendant over his head.

"You've always brought me luck with this." He clasped the thin chain around my neck. The weight of it was both familiar and foreign at the same time. "Maybe you could use that luck for yourself this time."

"Okay, I'm ready, Van." I feel anything but prepared.

With a heavy dose of regret in his eyes, Van begins using his considerable strength to push against the end of the short arrow. It moves deeper torturously slow. The pain rips through me intensely. A wordless scream escapes, breaking his heart for having to cause it. What feels like an eternity passes before the tip breaks through, spilling fresh blood down my front. Using the knife, he severs the arrow's fletched end from the shaft. With another deep breath, he begins pulling the sharp side out. It came free with another sharp wave of pain and a wet sucking sound.

Tossing the deadly end aside, clean bandages made of some of my clothes are quickly pressed to both sides of the wound. The solid pressure on my raw wounds brings the dizziness of weakness and nausea back in force. Red soaks far too fast through the fabric.

In a quick act of desperation, I grabbed Van with my good arm, unable to move the other one due to the injury. He is in shock when our lips meet, but the pink stone begins to glow brightly between us.

Warmth spreads quickly through my veins, chasing away the pain and chill. Hotter and brighter it burns until the intensity makes my cry out, like being stabbed though the shoulder with a red hot poker. Just as suddenly as it started, the feeling dissipates. A deep soreness remains but no pain or weakness. On the opposite side of things, my head seems far clearer than it has been for a very long time. The impossible pressure of raw energy lessening a good measure.

Amazed, Van removes the blood soaked bandages on either side of my shoulder to find two small, pink starburst-shaped scars where there should have been an entry and an exit wound. They look months old, not moments.

We somehow triggered the power residing inside of me to heal the life threatening injury. In doing so, some of the energy was burned away in the process. It isn't gone by any stretch of the imagination, but every little bit helps, and this was more than I could have ever asked for. Just because it worked doesn't mean I ever want to repeat this ever again.

"Did you know that would happen?" Van asks, looking in awe at our newest miracle.

"No, but I wished for it." I can't help grinning like an idiot. Somehow, we've made it through another dangerous situation. "I don't think I could heal anyone else since the energy is trapped inside me, but the powers might just be manageable now. Well, they might lessen again in about nine months."

He seems a bit lost. I guess I'll have a long story to tell him regarding this whole adventure and what caused the powers from the beginning. The best I can do now is be honest and give him a chance to decide what the future holds for us.

"I know you've said you don't need children, but I hope you aren't too upset." The pieces still haven't clicked into place, and I don't blame him. The poor man still hasn't fully recovered from me almost bleeding to death and miraculously healing. "Van, I'm pregnant."

"How?" After everything we've been through today alone, the poor guy looks completely shell shocked. Part of me wants to answer his question obviously, like when a man and a woman are in love, but I don't think he'll get my joke. What he really means to ask is 'How can you possibly know already?'

"Well, this isn't the first time I've known something before anyone else." I can't help smiling even if what I say next starts a new argument. "I just kind of woke up yesterday knowing. It won't be noticeable for a few more months, but it doesn't change the fact that he is there. Are you mad?"

"Yesterday. You've known since yesterday?" Van rocks back, staggering away from me as if he too has been hit by an arrow. "That is why you ran? Why would you hide this from me?"

"To be honest, it wasn't my first reaction." I state slowly. I haven't felt this in control of my mind in a long time, and the clarity comes with a realization of my mistakes. Even this morning I was controlled by the fog of uncontrollable power. "I wanted to deny it, to ignore it until it was too late to run away. Then I had a vision that showed me that the future was split by this one decision. If you knew, then you would be stuck with me as I am. If you didn't know, then you could move on. I never realized that by running away like that I created a new, sadder path, one where we both ended up alone and miserable."

"Hitomi, you never thought to ask what I wanted." As Van spoke, he removed his blood soaked gloves and let them drop to the ground to lay discarded with the broken arrow. "That I like the idea of being stuck with you."

Gently, he began to trace the new scars on my shoulder with work calloused fingers. Words became impossible, tenderness and care overshadowing any worries.

"Do you see anything when I touch you?" His voice is low and rough with promise.

"Van, I only see you." My words sang with truth.

I'm not sure who closed the distance or when our lips met, but something warm began to grow between us. It holds the promise of new beginnings and a shared fate. Eventually we had to part, more from the discomfort of my torn, sticky, drying mess of a dress than any other reason. We used the remainder of the water to try and wash off dried blood and changed into clean clothes. Van's pants were fine, but his red shirt had been reduced to dirty rags. I assured him that the white shirt belonged to me now, and that I would want it back when he was done.

The smile I earn for that comment sets butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I have to turn around to change and can still feel Van's gaze studying me. Once I am safely laced into my last spare dress, I spin towards him with a witty comment ready, but the serious look in his eyes stops me.

"What is wrong?" I began to worry that maybe he hasn't forgiven me quite yet.

"You were seriously injured, and I know there are things I'll never understand with your powers, but the shock of losing so much blood…" He trails off, not sure how to put the rest into words. I know what he means. The tiny little seed growing inside me is far more fragile than I am. Could it be hurt or killed by my injury even though it is now healed?

Looking down at my now destroyed outfit and the pile of dirty bandages, I can see the reason for his concern. "Truthfully, I'm sure there are things about my powers even I will never understand." Trying to be completely honest, I find myself gently taking his much larger hand in a comforting manner. "I'll never actually be rid of these abilities, and that may be a good thing. I do know that healing used a good bit of the extra energy that was causing my anxiety. It didn't just heal the wound in my shoulder, if you know what I mean."

He gave my hand a slight squeeze in response but remained silent, as if running through everything in his own mind. I've always liked that about Van. When we first met, I didn't quite understand his more pensive moments. The thoughtfulness and avoidance of unnecessary words has really shown in the wonderful man he has become.

"So, what do we do now?" It's my turn to be unsure. As it is, we are alone in the forest without knowing really knowing exactly where we are or what has happened. "Should we go back and let the farmer know I'm okay now?"

"No." His voice is firm and leaves no room for argument. Van has a plan, and it is set in the determination clear in those deep mahogany eyes. "We don't tell anyone what happened here. If they find out you can do this sort of thing, you'll be in even more danger from people that want to abuse or control your powers."

"Okay, so what do we do now?" I fully agree that this is the sort of thing outsiders would either fear or envy.

"We continue to Arzas." Tearing fabric from the poor dress, he quickly ties it into a sling. Van motions me to hold position while it is fastened in place firmly. "You'll need to act as though your arm still hurts for a little while."

"Van, I'm a terrible actor though." I feel like I'm stating the obvious. Even when I thought I was hiding how bad things were, everyone knew the whole time. How does he think I can pretend to be injured? Besides, letting people believe I'm still hurt feels dishonest. I know they'll treat me differently, but the truth would be so much worse.

"We'll figure out something to distract them." He gives me a lopsided smirk that sets butterflies loose in my stomach.

From here I follow his lead. We gather all the bloody rags so we don't attract dragons to this spot. I like the thought of trailing the viscous beasts after us even less than I do pretending to be injured. The plan is to reach the nearby village and burn the evidence. Van is sure that there is one person in Arzas we can trust with anything.

We decide to walk as it is only about twenty minutes away, and flying in would cause too much excitement. Just as the small rural town comes into view, bushes rustle to one side of the road. Van steps in front of me protectively, his hand resting on the crested sword's hilt, ready for anything.

The wolf-man who emerges blocks our path with a sharp tipped spear at the ready. Before we can explain our presence, another form materializes, yet he is silent for all his larger stature.

"Stand down, Leif." The low, familiar voice rumbles. "Lord Van and Lady Hitomi are my guests."

In the last six years, Van and I have changed so much, but Ruhm seems like a living memory.

Van relaxes visibly. The easy smile on his handsome face is one I've seen him give only his most trusted friends, the tall wolf-man being no exception. "It's good to see you, old friend."

"Then why do you both reek of blood and vino?" He is still taller and broader than Van, but the confused tilt of his shaggy head seems almost childlike.

Van and I share a long look. Without words we understand each other. I trust Ruhm too. "It's a long story."

"Good." He rumbles with deep laugher. "The two of you always have the most interesting _stories_. We've been on alert for bandits, and I could use a bit of entertainment."

We trail behind Ruhm through the village to his home, which is slightly larger than surrounding structures and centrally located. The looks we receive are curious yet respectful. I can feel that most everyone recognizes Van. A few of them even remember more than six years ago when a bright pillar of light brought the Fanelian Prince home from dragon slaying with a prize other than his energist.

Of everything I'm reading from the villagers, both beast-man and human alike is all positive. They think well of their king and the fact that Ruhm trusts me says a lot for my character in their eyes.

Gesturing us into his home, the wolf-man calls for baths for the both of us. I'm embarrassed to be around so many people that can study me with their noses much like I sense them with my mind.

"There's no need to bother anyone," Van spoke smoothly. "I'll help Hitomi."

I flush at the implications, but obviously anyone that saw my shoulder would know the sling was unnecessary and so much more.

"Lord Van, you know we maintain the old ways here," Ruhm lectured, his dark eyes serious. "Unless the two of you have married without notice, then being alone would be entirely improper."

My face heats more, but Van stands his ground. "What happens between Hitomi and I isn't your concern."

Ruhm watches us silently for a moment before shrugging. "Then you must be hiding something rather important."

I elbow the raven haired man in the ribs and give him a firm look that I hope says " _Just tell Ruhm already."_ He launches into a revised version of our story. No point in telling the wolf-man we've passed the improper phase already. At the point in the adventure where I explain where my powers came from, he has to sit down. We finish by showing the older man small, pink scars that I didn't have when I woke up this morning.

The silence drags between us, and for the first time, I notice the grey peppering the Wof-man's muzzle. He's tired. Bandits have been plaguing the town among other worries that only the pack-leader is burdened with. We can trust Ruhm with everything, but was it really fair to force him to carry our concerns as well?

"Lord Van, do you intend to wed Lady Hitomi?" The question catches us a little off guard.

"I do." Van states firmly. No blushing or stuttering. This is a man who is sure of what he wants. "If she'll have me."

The other versions of Van flicker into my sight.

My heart must be pounding loud enough for everyone to hear. This is the moment where everything changes. Not us together late one night. No, our path will always try to lead us here. Van and I are either destined to repeat our mistakes of hurting each other over and over again, or we can give love and support selflessly. I have to trust him with more than my secrets but with my entire heart.

"Yes." The one word is out of my mouth and with it an invisible weight lifts. "I'd marry you today, Van, if I could."

Only one future remains, the long haired, happy man. He gives me a warm knowing smile before he too dissolves, but he isn't gone forever like the others. No, I'll see him again as the man Van will become every day we share together.

The real Van's face is open and unguarded the moment before he gathers me into his strong arms. I savor the embrace, clutching the back of his shirt to hold him tighter.

Ruhm chuckles deeply, and I've almost forgotten he was here entirely. I blush, but Van doesn't. He is too happy to worry about what other people think.

"Then it is settled." The wolf-man grins openly. "We have a wedding to prepare for today. A feast in your honor as well." He's up and calling orders from the door before we can react.

Van pulls away, slightly searching my face with his fathomless eyes. "We don't have to do this. I can wait until you are ready. There is still time before anyone finds out." He's hinting at my condition in the hopes that the keen ears still in the room will assume just about anything else.

"It seems really fast, but I love you, Van. It's actually for the best." This feels right and I have to make sure he knows it. "I'd rather this be just between us. If we married in the capital, we'd have to invite the world."

"Well, us and the entire village." Van grins, brushing hair from my face. He kisses me then. It is soft and full of warmth.

Everything moves rather fast after that. The baths ordered on our arrival are ready, and after Ruhm explains to the women that on my world ladies bath alone, I am left to scrub the grime of the day away in peace. From the laughter of the house next door, I know Van isn't so lucky. The beast-men are giving their king advice that we both know he doesn't need.

Once I am dried and in my last clean piece of clothing, a simple underdress, I let the women enter to help me get ready. They take in everything from my short, still damp hair to the bandages I clumsily tried to wrap around my shoulder. I still feel silly for play acting when the injury is already healed. I mumble that we encountered a bandit, but I should be fine.

With open friendliness, the women help me into a simple, light blue traditional dress, with detailed embroidery around the edges and a large red sash. I love it and hope Van does too. I care less for the pale yellow fabric they carefully make into a sling.

The moment I see Van everything else melts away. He looks so handsome, and I savor the fact he hasn't seen me yet. It all sinks in at once; I am marrying this man. I love him, and though things haven't been perfect, neither of us are expecting only good times. We've been through so much, and from now on, it will always be us together. No matter what he wears it will always be Van. The brash, stubborn boy who grew up to be a steadfast ruler. I now understand the darkness he carries with pride, because I too have my own scars.

It's then that he turns and our eyes meet as if for the first time. Nothing else matters. I am not alone and I never have to be again. I don't remember walking towards him, nor do I feel the crowd watching eagerly. Van takes my free hand and turns us the face Ruhm, who as pack leader has the authority to perform the ceremony. It means more to me that a trusted friend is here when so many cannot be. Van is right; blood doesn't make a family, love does.

"Today we are not here to witness the marriage of the King of Fanelia to the Girl from the Mystic Moon." Ruhm's low voice evenly addresses the crowded village center. "No, today we celebrate the joining of two souls. Van Salanzar de Fanel is just a man forever bound to love, respect, and cherish his one true partner, Hitomi Kanzaki."

He continues to speak, but nothing matters except for the man standing next to me, also wearing borrowed clothes. His short hair spikes up slightly in the back. The battle roughened hand holding mine makes small, soft circles with his thumb.

I barely catch the talk of our continuing journey side by side. Strength and support being common themes. I repeated a few things, but the words didn't cover a fraction of what I am feeling. Not everyone else's emotions but just mine and a bit of Van's, but that was fine as they mirror my own.

Finally, Van squeezes my hand lightly and whispers. "I think it's time I kissed my wife."

Our lips meet and it's rather chaste for us, but we do have an audience. Regardless, it holds the promise of so much more, and I can't wait.

I think Ruhm introduced us as a married couple, but it was hard to hear over the clapping and approval of the watching crowd. The feast starts, and I wonder at how quickly everything came together. I'm almost too excited to eat, but I do, even though I can't help smiling. I can't remember a time I was this happy.

Eventually, the party starts to turn to music and dancing, not the kind done in ballrooms, but around fires with pure emotion. With my _injury_ I can just watch, but Van is quickly swept into the action. It's rare to see this man so carefree. After a few songs, he returns to my side, and as much as I enjoy watching him, this is so much better.

Ruhm leans over me and asks Van something I can't quite hear, but it has to do with being ready. The dark haired man nods in agreement and motions back towards Ruhm's house. It's too early to turn in, or do what everyone expects a married couple to do on their wedding night. So something else is happening. He helps me stand, and the three of us break away from the entertainment, which has turned to drinking more as the celebration deepens. Van and I remain completely sober by choice.

Upon entering the house, I can tell someone has built the fire high for good light. The smell of wood smoke perfumes the warm air. A small table is set up in the center of the room with a bowl full of crimson liquid and a number of long needles. Realization dawns quickly. Ruhm must have done Van's other tattoos, and now the men sit down to ink the red band permanently into the smooth tanned skin. I've never seen such a primitive set up. It's clean and looks well maintained, but I don't think I could go through with getting tattooed without sterile equipment, gloves, and a fast buzzing machine.

How is it I'm more nervous than Van? He's calm and sure.

I hesitate not knowing what I should do, but Van pulls me into his lap. "Let me hold you." The voice in my ear is low and warm. I wonder not for the first time if he is a mind reader after all.

Ruhm's large hands work steadily, and I find myself less scared of the traditional tattooing procedure. Trust has a lot to do with it, but it's not the wolf-man whose job is the only important one here tonight. Van is showing the world his devotion to me, and in return it's my strength he draws on. Time ticks by and the needle moves steadily. Regardless of everything else, the moment only exists for us.

It's hard to believe two weeks have passed so quickly. I guess that is what happens when you are incredibly happy.

I've read everything I could find on the pillar of light, but most of it seems to be legend or speculation. After that I found a more interesting avenue for study, Fanelian history and traditions. The first time Van caught me reading about his culture was probably the cutest thing I've ever seen, but as newlyweds a lot is new and adorable to us.

Van had a meeting that ran late, as they tend to since he returned with me and a special crimson tattoo around his left bicep. So far I've felt the emotions of the people around us and can safely say the servants and workers are overjoyed that I am doing better. Mostly they like me since I make their king happy. The advisors and higher ranked officials don't have the same sentiment. Then again, what they think about me and the subsequent loss of dowry, political gain, foreign relations and such mean very little to Van or me. I actually get a bit of joy from being friendly and polite to them, since it annoys them so much.

So far the only symptoms I've had from my condition are that I rarely have an appetite, I'm always thirsty, and I feel tired more often. Van and I joke, just between us, about my little energy drain. We've told no one else. Even though I know the child will be fine, it is still quite common to not tell people until later in the pregnancy once some risks have passed. It's not like I can just go to the doctor for a sonogram. Anyways, we like our little secret just the way things are for now.

It seems like a long time, but it was only a week ago. Lying in bed reading an old book on tribal culture and the growth of the warrior community, I am so engrossed I don't hear the door open. The next thing I know the bed shifts slightly, rolling me right into his solid form. He's still dressed, but the sudden proximity makes me wish otherwise.

Oblivious to my desire, Van picks the book up from my loose grip with the intention of placing it on a side table. "Reading more farfetched theories?" He teases warmly.

"Not exactly." I hedge, trying to grab the book back from him and failing.

"I hope it's not one of those sappy romance novels Merle hides in my study." Intrigued, he deftly keeps it out of my reach while trying to read the faded cover. "The Strength Within; Symbols of Power and Love from Ancient Fanelia."

I watch as his face transforms with something like awe. He looks younger and less battle worn. This is the boy I met who I could shock by running to save him or by wearing a simple pink dress for the first time. We've been through so much together that it just makes me love the man he has become more.

"Well, other people had to tell me what your tattoos meant," I explained, feeling a little foolish for being caught. "I just thought as your wife I should know more about where you come from and what it all stands for to you."

In one smooth motion he tosses the book to the end of the bed and pounces on me. "I could just eat you up."

I laugh as he playfully nips at my neck and begins tickling my sides. Half-heartedly I push against his chest, trying to escape the sudden attack. At some point it turns to other things, but once we are both content and short of breath, I find my mind wandering back to the book trapped within tangled sheets somewhere.

"About the book, does it bother you that I never just asked you?" I still feel his emotions though not as constantly or strongly as before. Something there hints at worry, but I'm not sure where it is coming from. Then again, the thing weighing on his mind could be anything, something from his meeting, or even Merle's absence. What worries me is the Neko's reaction to the changes that took place the moment she left.

"Not really." Van shifts, pulling me closer against his lean side. "If you have a question, I'd be happy to answer. Personal reasons aside, a book on the subject might give a better explanation than I can."

"Did you know women used to have their own symbols of power, and that they would get the wedding tattoo as well? I kind of wish it wasn't frowned upon these days." I'm eager to share what I've learned already and for us to have another shared interest to talk about.

"I know." He kisses my forehead tenderly. "They wouldn't ever tattoo a pregnant woman though, so I didn't offer. If you still want it later, then I don't see a problem with it. What other people think shouldn't ever stop you from being honest about what you desire."

It's hard to believe that I ran from this, that I kept myself from being happy for so long. Now I glance at Van while he works and am saddened by only one minor thing. He's covered his tattooed arms for the day. Merle's coming home. The moment she spots that red band inked on his tan skin she'll know everything. Honestly, I'm not sure how Van plans on telling his sister, but I know her jumping to conclusions isn't it.

I feel her presence heading straight for us. Unlike before, it doesn't cause me pain. I've always known Merle felt things strongly. What I never realized before is that she somehow subconsciously projects those feelings outward. At my most sensitive it was a constant storm overloading my senses. Now I can sort though and process the information in a more controlled manner. Merle is still a beacon of emotion, but it's gentler now, like water rippling around a skipping stone.

Maybe if we can become friends again, I can teach her to focus and shield herself. I won't start with that of course. Right now I'm just trying to prepare myself for the yelling.

The door swings open forcefully, slamming against the wall with a bang. Even better as I am, if I didn't know it was going to happen, the sudden noise would make me jump. Honestly, normal people are even startled by a commotion like that. Sometimes it's good to not be normal.

Van stands ready for a confrontation, but she darts around him swiftly. The next thing I know clawed hands grip my upper arms firmly. With surprising strength, Merle forces me out of the chair to stand before her.

The dark haired man is fast, but his cat-eared sister is quicker. Merle's striped arms embrace me warmly. Not what I expected to happen, but I relax into the hug gratefully.

"Thank the Gods you're back, Hitomi." Her voice is lower, choked with emotion.

"Merle, you saw me two weeks ago," I state, slightly stunned. This tearful reaction was what I would have expected after six years but not a couple of weeks. Not that I would ever complain, even though my first arrival was full of hostility and suspicion.

"No, that wasn't you." She pulls back, shaking her head vigorously. "That was a sad stranger. This is the real you, and I'm so happy to finally have you back."

"How can you tell the difference?" I ask, knowing she hasn't been around me enough to notice the behavior differences like everybody else.

"She smelled of vino and old fear." No one seems to notice me mumbling _'I didn't drink that much.'_ Regardless, Merle continues her explanation. "Hitomi, the real you always smelled like summer sunshine, bright and full of hope."

That moves me deeply. I instantly forgive her for pretty much everything I could have ever held against the Neko. I've always thought Van smelled of a spring breeze, earthy and full of life. It's nice to think I have a similar effect though uniquely my own. Like everything else, Van and I seem to complement each other and it took me too long to realize. I can never express how grateful I am to have this second chance, not only with Van but with my friend Merle as well.

"Now we have a lot of catching up to do, but it will have to wait." Merle smiles at me before rounding on her adopted brother, blue eyes fiercely flashing. "Lord Van, you'd better have a good reason for wearing long sleeves in the summer. If I find out you are hiding something from me, may the gods have mercy on your soul."

The poor man is no match for the Neko and sighs in defeat. "Never could hide anything from you, could I, Merle?"

"Not a chance." She declares in a matter of fact manner with clawed hands propped on her hips. "I don't even see why you try."

I know the news of the bandit attack has had the time to reach other countries, but the information was never specific on who was injured. Merle would never guess that it had been me this time, the worry for her brother almost caused an immediate return the moment she heard. Van and I share a look before he shrugs the over-shirt off, exposing the newly healed tattoo adorning his left arm.

"You got married without me here?!" She isn't angry we tied the knot as much as outraged to be left out of the special moment. We are the most important people in Merle's life, and here we are cutting her out of ours. "They next thing you'll say is Hitomi is pregnant!"

She says it like it would be unbelievable, but Van and I both color at being found out so easily. Merle does know us impossibly well after all.

The pink haired neko glances between us for a moment before throwing her clawed hands into the air and loudly declaring. "Well, you better be planning on naming the first girl you have after me to make up for everything." She's entirely serious, and I love her for it.

Van is still at a loss as I pull his adopted sister into a tight embrace. "Of course, Merle. The next one will be named for you. I promise."

The End…

Please stay tuned for the final conclusion.

 **A/N- It was a long chapter and I'm glad you stuck around for it. As per my usual writing style this is just the end or the main story line it won't be considered complete until the epilogue is posted. I have a few quick notes and an announcement.**

 **Hm, where to start. Well the bandit returned, Hitomi had a flash in the last chapter leading her to choose stopping at the farm house. She may have taken the vision as being for her safely, but in this case the outlaw spending the night in the barn as our heroes once did, changing her course saved the lives of that family yet again. After escaping or being released from the city prison the bandit could have returned to finish the job his crew started a month ago. He couldn't have known the other guests would muck things up again. Instead he chose to take advantage of the King's arrival. No matter how well liked Van, is as a King there will always be people who would benefit from the power vacuum his death would create.**

 **Next I added a few things for clarification into the story after Meghanna did her magic so I hope it wasn't confusing. Originally I had the bandit and farmer both shocked by Van's wings but the farmer saw them Van's last visit. Also Merle's reason for wanting Van to take the over shirt off wasn't originally there. Yes him wearing a long shirt ever is odd, but in summer is a huge red flag. Rumors that they survived an assignation attempt would have been the talk of every court. Merle would know if something serous had happened to Van she would have been sent for, but even a small injury would have her attention.**

 **Okay for my announcement. I have already started a new story. It is completely mapped out and should have about four chapters with an epilogue. It's called Surface Tension. It is actually a first for me. All my stories have been standalone continuations until now. It will take place in this same world but start five years before. It's a prequel that takes place in Van's perspective. I had ton of positive feedback from how he was portrayed in this story, and the ideas just wouldn't stop. Surface Tension is the story of Van's struggle to become the man, the king he was supposed to be and the darkness still inside.**

 **I'm very excited for it. For people who haven't read this story before it won't be too hard to take it as a standalone, but for the rest of you it will have things that are mentioned in this story, but happened when Van and Hitomi were 16-17. I might even sneak some Easter eggs in there. I've always related to Van more than anyone else, so it's going to be a lot of fun to write.**

 **Again thank you so much for reading to the end of this story. I can't wait to go on more adventures with you!**

 **Love Banryuu**


	9. The Ultimate Healing Power

**Well it's been a bit, but that was my fault. I got inspiration to work on my oldest continuing story at the same time I was finishing this and working on a new story. Sadly that forced me to kind of implode with too many open projects. I went from writing several things to not being able to touch a since one for almost two weeks. Now that this story is wrapping up and the new story first chapter is ready to post... well I think I should be able to go back to work on my old AU soon. I don't give up easy and that can be a good thing. There are a lot of notes at the end so I'll let you get into the whole reason you are here! Enjoy and don't forget to tell me about it!**

 **Epilogue- The Ultimate Healing Power**

Was it all just a terrible dream? How could that pain have been a part of my life?

It was like a nightmare where I was so consumed by my uncontrollable powers that it nearly destroyed me and everything I love. Now, it is an old injury, a pale faded scar to remind me of the pain I survived. A road map of my life not on my skin, but forever etched in my mind and heart. I am stronger then even I knew, and there isn't a bit of shame asking for help. That was the hardest lesson for me to learn, but Van was there when I needed him the most. I was drowning, and he was my life raft, pulling me to safety when I had become too tired from treading water just to stay afloat.

I will alwaysot be grateful for how things turned out. I am so very blessed. The tiny, faint scars on my shoulder aren't my only blessing. It's been six years since I was visited by ghosts who showed me the dangers of my past mistakes and the errors I continued to make. Taking my destiny into my own hands saved more than just my life;it saved my soul.

I had been too long in the dark surrounded only by pain, fear, and guilt. I had to stumble again before I was truly steady on my feet.

Standing just outside the open door to Van's study, I now watch with a light heart and a wistful smile. His hair has grown long and he pulls it back into a low ponytail, as I knew he would. The added weight tames some of the wildness, but it is still thick and soft when I run my fingers through it. I am also glad he has remained clean shaven, which was always my preference. Who wants to kiss a facial broom?

As a trained warrior, he must know how long I've been here, but he still tries to work diligently despite the surrounding chaos. Hovering at his right elbow is our son. Folken's hair is fair like mine, but everything else is very much like his father at that age. He watches Van write like it is the most exciting thing in the world, and he wouldn't want to miss a second of the action. His hero. At the age of five, we have yet to tell him many of the stories that will prove his belief right, but there is still time.

The ensuing disaster happens to be the two small girls circling the desk like a giggling tornado. Their obsidian hair slips from bouncing pigtails. Each time they pass Folken, their tiny fingers poke at his side or pull at his shirt, both antagonizing their older brother and trying to get him to join in with their fun. The more annoyed he becomes, the harder they giggle.

Finally, he has had enough, turning his wide mahogany eyes at me pleadingly. "Momma! Make Yuri and Varie stop!"

"Girls." It's all I have to say for the three year old twins to stop. Those innocent green eyes fix on me. Van is the one wrapped around their little fingers, but the effect is not completely lost on me despite how I stern remain.

"We just wanted him to play." Varie, the more outgoing of the pair, chirps happily in her high, singsong voice.-

Yuri nods in agreement, her small hand twining fingers with her sister instinctually. Then, as one, their pretty faces turn to the side, as if listing to music no one else can hear. I know what they sense, because I feel it too.

"Auntie Merle-" Yuri spoke softly.

"Has returned with presents!" Varie finishes happily.

All three children look at me for confirmation. I can't help but smile. "She has, and I know there is something fun for each of you. Why don't you go find out?"

I know many titled parents leave the raising of their small children to nannies, nursemaids, and tutors. Van and I have never been like that. We enjoy watching them learn and grow personally. Normally, I try to keep the whirlwind of little Fanels out from under foot, but sometimes I let them play in Van's study for short periods of time. He always seems to enjoy it as much, if not more, than they do.

On the other hand, it's no crime to have an extra set of eyes on the mischief makers. The patient maid trails them now on their mission to find the indulgent aunt who just arrived home. I smile to her, giving the silent signal that I will stay here a bit longer.

The room suddenly feels silent and empty without the troublemakers. Still, I need a word alone with my husband, the one who has continued to work diligently. Giving into temptation, I trail a single finger around the simple crimson tattoo wrapping around his left bicep. The other arm still carries the blue diamonds that mark him as a warrior king of Fanelia, the same mark his ancestors wore with pride. It's one that our Folken may also choose, but we hope that he will never have the need for it as Van does.

True to his title, Van moves with deadly, precise ability. Startling a gasp from me, he pulls me into his lap easily, as if moving a full grown person were a simple matter. I aim a playful punch, but he catches my hand, turning it over and placing a soft kiss on my wrist.

How he makes every thought escape my normally quick thinking mind is truly a gift and a curse. He draws my arm out so he can land another kiss, this time of my own bare bicep with the red band that mirrors his. My second tattoo had to wait for obvious reasons, but he never pressured me into getting it, the symbol of being forever bound to my soulmate.

"Do you ever think about having another?" Van's voice is low and intimate, as is the warm look in his deep eyes.

It takes a moment to find my own voice. Despite the years we have shared, his effect is as strong as ever. I pray it will always stay this way between us. "Why? You barely get any work done as is." The playful note I use brings out the lopsided grin I love so much. "I like my sanity, thank you."

"I've always wanted a big family." The honestly between us is as common and easy as breathing. He continues, though this isn't our first conversation on this matter. "I love how full of life everything is."

"That's just code talk for noisy." I tease, trying to play calm and coy even while sitting in his lap. Being alone, the situation can quickly change into something more if we let it.

"Another would be nice." He adds wistfully I just want to kiss him but resist. I'm not done playing this game quite yet.

"Only if you are the one giving birth to him this time," I blurt out without censoring my words. I know instantly from his radiant smile, which basks me in its warm glow, that I've let too much slip. It's the reason I wanted a quiet moment alone with him. Just as with Folken, I knew almost instantly, so it appears that this will be another boy. The twins were more of a surprise.

Something about that pregnancy was different, and it took nearly two months for me to be sure of the children growing inside me. It could have been the way that the power seems to react differently with girls, or they could have been shielding themselves from me from the very beginning.

Van's thrilled by my news, even if it wasn't the most tactful way to tell him. This will be the last one. I know. Nothing will go wrong with this pregnancy, but four children are more than I ever thought I'd have. There was a time when my power controlled and distorted everything. It got to the point where I would have let myself be consumed by flames before I faced another person. To think that it still grew after that point is unimaginable, but I survived and have gotten so much stronger than I ever thought I would.

I feel the pull now, and I let myself follow the cord of power. The wind blows relentlessly, turning the rain sharp and brutal. The sodden ground, too full to hold any more water, weeps mud, and flooding grows out of control. The power of the storm sinks houses and carries away livestock.

My vision clears and I am once again dry and warm in Van's arms. I can still feel the rain on my skin like an afterimage, there but not.

"What is it?" His smooth tenor rumbles in my ear, and I lean into his comforting form.

"A bad storm will hit," I answer simply, trying to hold onto the details.

"How long?" Despite our remaining physical closeness, I know the king is busy thinking of the logistics. It's his job, after all. Those houses and animals I saw destroyed could mean lives that we can now save. Fanelia has always been first in Van's mind, but we have similar goals in that now. I am proud to be a secret guardian of this land and these people. There have always been rumors of my abilities, but we have been smart to keep the truth hidden.

"Two, possibly three days." He nods to my words, already reaching for parchment. Reluctantly, I stand and let him get down to business.

"I'll send the messages out at once." The quill moves swiftly, elegantly even as he details a coming threat. This warning, though simple, can save lives and livelihoods.

I linger by the side of his desk, pulling at the threads of memory and vision. "Have someone check the irrigation system to the west. The flooding will be far worse there."

Van makes a note of it quickly, and I know deep down this information will be put to good use. He doesn't look up, but I can feel his attention on me regardless. "What would I do without you?"

It's a rhetorical question, of course, but I still have to exercise my sass every now and then. "Lose some livestock and crops, but otherwise get a lot more done."

His surprised laugh is enough to make me smile in return. "Work is overrated." He adds wholeheartedly. I couldn't love this man more.

As it turns out, it was the children who saved my life. I was never meant to hold the kind of power I had. It's true that my abilities were partly genetic, but each time the pillar of light had touched me, it had infused more of its immense power into me. I started out life like everyone else, just with a little extra.

My grandmother, who had been a seemingly normal girl, was transported to Gaia and back several times. That contact left bits of power in her. She developed an equal amount of precognitive ability and emotional empathy. Grandmother used both the pendant and her tarot cards to control and understand her own powers. She mastered the ability to use them without being used herself.

When my mother was born, some of that power transferred to her, although she never knew or felt it as strongly as the rest of us. When I came along, I got everything that was left from my grandmother. My mother remained a slight empath; she always felt a stronger connection than most people. That was why she knew how I was doing even when swept away to Gaia.

My powers were always kind of there; it just seemed as if I was slightly luckier with predictions than others. Also, I had a kind of charisma that drew people to me and helped me to share my natural enthusiasm with them. Then one day, the day before my life would change forever, those latent powers manifested more strongly than I could have ever expected. As my life turned into a battlefield, the high running emotions and the multiple trips within the pillar left more and more power growing inside of me.

It's true that most of those trips Van was by my side, but for some reason, the abilities always manifest stronger in women. By adding his unique heritage to that, you could say his Draconian blood protected him. Not entirely mind you; being able to douse for enemies without a map or pendant is a rare ability.

So each time I came in contact with the light, it forced a little more into the already tightly packed form that made up who I am. The more it added, the harder it was to control. Straining at the seams, the power controlled me, and the inability to hold everything inside comfortably turned into anxiety, fear, and depression. It was the power all along.

People say that having children changes your life for better or worse. It's true; nothing will ever be the same again. There were so many sleepless nights and constant worries, but I wouldn't change a thing. You'd think that creating a royal line would be what mattered to Van. Instead, it was my health and happiness that actually took precedence. If I would have been unhappy or in any danger, then the Fanel line would have ended with Van. He was prepared for that, and I never knew until it was almost too late.

You'd think that from the bits of future I saw that the children would be all that mattered and be so very wrong. Unconditional love in any form creates a family.

As luck would have it, creating a life is a very involved matter. Just like with me, and my mother before me, bits of power passed to the infant. That tightly packed form started to be a little less cramped. In little doses the power isn't crippling, so I don't have to fear my children will face the same kind of issues that plagued me. It also seems to have effected each in a slightly different manner.

Folken Vargus de Fanel, despite being a boy, inherited some of my empathic ability. He can read people's emotions, and it helps him to tell the quality of people he surrounds himself with. He is also rather difficult to lie to, and for a future king, that skill will come in handy.

The girls, on the other hand, have gotten the precognitive powers that turned out to be both a blessing and a curse for me. Despite identical looks, nothing is the same from one twin to the other. Yuri Yukari de Fanel is more reserved than her sister and has the skill of full immersive visions; she mainly sees future events. Varie Merle de Fanel is the most outgoing and energetic of my children. She has a talent for memories and is also the strongest at finding people or things in the present day.

The son I carry now will be a medium, unlike his siblings who have almost no connection with those that have passed. It is a heavy burden, but he will handle it well. The powers are just a small part of who they are, and I will always be here to help and guide them. They will never struggle alone. Van and I will always be by their sides.

Even after giving away pieces of my powers, I still have more than enough of my own abilities to maintain those skills. Just now, I was not overcome with something I couldn't handle. If things had been different, I would have never left after the war. I wouldn't have grown so out of control and in need of intervention.

I would also never know how truly blessed I am.

Speaking of blessed, with the children chattering around Merle and Van busily, I have a rare minute to myself. I head to one of my favorite spots. It's neither the roof that my husband likes, nor the cemetery where we go together. This is a new place of my own design, right out in the center of everything. At the top of the wide stairs that lead from the main city to the palace, there has always been a wide courtyard used for events, training, and entertainment. Now placed in a prominent position of honor is a large monument. Simple in its construction, the slab of white marble has beautiful veins of blue, black, and silver. Names are etched deeply into the stone; names of each and every Fanelian lost in the attack and earlier war.

It's the solution to our ghost problem. The shades no longer wander lost and trapped, fragments of their former selves unable to move on. This monument gives them what they wanted: to be remembered.

Van supported my desire to commemorate those of his people who paid the highest price. Even without his help, I would have found a way to complete this project. It was something deep and meaningful to me.

Getting some of the names took work on my part. Sadly, records were virtually nonexistent, and some had no living relations to track down. In those cases, I had to go right to the source, the shadow of that person. It took time and loads of energy. In the end, each memory and every name was worth it.

Now my fingers trace the carved names that I, and my children, will always carry. Folken Fanel. Naria, also known as Naru Naru. Her sister, Eriya, or Belu Belu. Vargus Ganesha. Even the first man lost in the terrible attack, the one who showed me what these lost souls needed the most, the farmer's son, Lowen Norcross.

There are dreamers and there are realists in the world. You'd think that the dreamers would find the dreamers, and the realists would find the realists. More often than not, the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists? Well, without the dreamers, they might never get off the ground.

Van has grounded me in reality, and I have given him wings. Together, we soar through life and will continue to do so for a very long time.

 **The End**

 **Okay so the guard helped again. The shades are at peace now and their sacrifice will always be remembered. He wasn't named or based of off anyone really, just the poor guy who thought he saw something strange at the gates in episode 2. The name was a random Celtic name I liked and the last name is from a friend of mine. Norcross it means the people who dwell North of the Crossroads… or that's what she said. It fit since his family in my story at least his north of the main city between it and Arzas. Speaking of name choices. I know to most English speakers Van's sword master and mentor was Balgus. I watch the Japanese and English almost equally (Don't get me started on the new dub it doesn't count.) I chose to call him Vargus in this story as Folken Vargus sounded better as a full name for their first child. So this also means I have to call him Vargus in my new story too… well I may have screwed myself on that one, but I stick to my decision. Also with the naming Yuri Yukari sounded alright but the double Yu names bothered me slightly. As far as Varie Merle it may not flow but I stand by my choice to honor those two with the most outgoing busy child.**

 **Though we never get to meet him in this story thier last child will be named Goau Allen de Fanel. It didn't seem like there was a good place in the story to mention his name, as right now he is just a sea-monkey. Who knows we might revisit this timeline in another story.**

 **Speaking of other stories I am happy to say I have a new one ready to post. It is acutaly a prequel to this story and revolves around Van's struggles with his own darkness that are mentioned in here. Some of the characters we meet here will show up there. It takes place one year after the series and five years before this story. It will still be fine as a standalone, but for you it should have more little things that tie in. As an author I like little details after all.**

 **Thank you everyone who has stuck with me to this fluffy conclusion. zephakitara, Minicilio, Pinkydynimite, and two very special shout-outs. Meghanna Starsong that has to put up with my crazy, and willingly edits my even more insane writing. Lulu, you may not have an account so I can't message you, but you made my day multiple times. Weeks after the other reviews had stopped showing up I started getting more notifications. Someone by the name of Lulu was binge reading my story, and leaving reviews for every chapter. Short simple reviews that made me smile and showed that one chapter after the next was being devoured by a new reader. Thank you it has meant so much to me. Thank you all! The bonus story is for you!**

 **Last thing I promise! This is not counted as completed yet for a very specific reason. Well in a way it's not. I have a bonus story being edited right now! I wanted to post them to together as a little gift to you, but it was too long. You should have it by tomorrow night. It takes place only two months after Van and Hitiomi are married. It's a fun little story that ties up a few little lose ends.**

 **I can't wait to hear what you think about this chapter, as well as the side story.**

 **Please Review.**


	10. A Stich in Time

**Bonus Story**

So here is something special I wanted to share with you. This story takes place before the epilogue, but is not central to wrapping up the main story, so I've added it to the very end. I hope you like it. The new characters are not based off anyone specifically, but add to the cast in a supporting way. Timeline wise this is two months after the last full chapter and five and a half years before the conclusion. The rest will be explained within the story itself. Originally I had planed to post it with the epilogue, but it had grown too long and needed a bit more editing. I think this works out better in the long run anyways. I really hope you enjoy it.

 **A Stich in Time**

I've learned over the years that things happen a certain way for a reason. A lesson can always be learned from a mistake, but to cause another person pain is never easy to justify. I will never regret how my life turned out. Though I carry the people I've hurt with me every day, I never want to forget the lessons they taught me.

Vargus, who I barely knew, showed me that honor can have a high price.

The Duke of Freid, who died believing it was his time, taught me that power is never freely given.

Naria proved love and loyalty are often charged at the same price.

Folken instilled the belief that no one is beyond saving.

Yukari continued to teach me even after all the pain I caused her; that love can heal all wounds.

There are others I've hurt with both my actions and my naiveté, and they still carry scars that no one can see. My parents, who I would have wounded by never returning, but caused more pain by doing the opposite. Merle, that I've hurt repeatedly by pushing her away. Millearna, who I manipulated while being selfishly selfless. Dryden, the man caught in the crossfire. Allen, who I confused with my girlish fantasies and mistaking chivalry for affection. Then there is Van, the one that never gave up on me even when I was the one to lose hope.

I wouldn't be the person I am today without his faith, even when I didn't feel like I deserved it. We've been through so much together; our happily ever after was hard earned. We will never take for granted the pain that has shaped us, like wet clay into pottery by skilled hands. The flaws only make us more beautiful.

There was one pain I didn't know how to learn from. My happiness caused someone else pain and the feeling of guilt persisted even though I knew it was unavoidable. When I returned, Van broke his contract to marry another, a woman I never met but saw the future of. Going back to Gaia took something from her that was irreplaceable.

The princess would never know what I stole. Van knew, and though he claimed things were better this way, the negative feeling still nagged at me. I saw children that would now never exist. There had been love in her eyes for the king. A love that will no longer exist thanks to me, so now every time I am the most happy a slight doubt still casts a dark shadow on my mood.

It could be the extra power I still hold causing these shifts in my mood or the child I carry making my hormones rage out of control. Regardless, the price is the same. I've hurt someone and I crave a chance to fix it, but I have no idea how.

Somehow, it makes this all so much harder. I was surprised to be the target of Millearna's focus, but Van wasn't for reasons I can only guess. The invitation stated the Austurian queen would now hold a ball to honor the new queen of Fanelia. Unfortunately, that meant me. The graceful scrawl on the back of the card forcefully stated that my attendance wasn't optional or up for debate.

I haven't seen her in six years, but I could easily picture that beautiful face set and unwavering. Powers as strong as mine are still limited by distance, though I didn't need them to know the golden-haired queen would win this battle. That is why I find myself again staying in the elegant castle in the capital city of Palas. Even after all this time, Millearna is as unchanging as the crisp ocean air cooling the summer heated streets. It was hard to see her again. It had nothing to with how I felt her emotions rolling over me like waves in a storm, but because she was still my friend after everything both said and unsaid.

Van by my side helps, as it always does. He steadies me, and I draw on that strength greedily. I really don't want to be here, surrounded by so many strangers. After burning off some of the energy two months ago, being around people has gotten easier, but that largely consisted of people who were already comfortable with my presence and role in their lives. This is new and scary in a way. It wasn't when I was a naive fifteen year old from another world. Everyone will be looking at me, judging, and making their own assumptions. One or two might even be true.

If things were different I would spend this trip self-medicating with vino, but my little peanut has made that impossible. Van and I still haven't told anyone, aside from Merle, that I am pregnant. It is still a risk so early into my pregnancy, but mostly, we keep the baby a secret because it isn't visible yet. Others don't really need to know right now.

Well, Millearna suspects the truth, since I have turned down any alcoholic drink offered to me since my arrival two days ago. You add that with the suddenness in which Van and I married, and let's just say she is good with math. The official story is that we had a small, traditional Fanelian ceremony, but to anyone that can read between the lines, we ran off and eloped. At times like this I wish my friend wasn't so smart. She knows that Merle wasn't at the wedding, and the only reason Van would do something so major without his sister's presence had to be quite the scandal.

It would be a disaster if the truth, or even a part of it, got out now. I am doing my best not to fall apart or retreat into myself with all the new stimulus. Just this morning I was walking down a familiar set of stairs when it hit me like a sledge hammer. My shoelace breaking as I carried a stack of dishes and blankets. The sudden loss of my shoe causing me to drop everything into a noisy mess. A presence behind me causing me to turn.

I came to the present as quickly as the vision took shape. The memory of Naria kidnapping me felt so real. It is hard to believe that I am alone at the base of these spiral stone stairs. The power's hold on me is still far too strong, but I will survive this, like everything else I've faced, head on.

Now another set of stairs are causing me more anxiety. These lead not to the past, but to my grand entrance to the ball in my honor. I know in time the pressure will lessen and my control will improve, but right now this isn't helping at all. The only way I can endure this attack is a combination of sheer willpower and Van. I lightly touch the pink pendant lying innocently on my chest and quickly pray for control. I fear I'll need it desperately tonight.

My dress is made of rich fabrics and delicate embroidery. The Fanelian style is both comfortable while still being functional. There are other positives to wearing the long layered dress and sash, besides the sharp contrast I will make against an event filled with ladies striving to dress as fashionably as Millearna. Mostly, it is Van; I know how pleased he is with my choice even without being able to read his emotions. Pride, joy, and a level of attraction that made me blush hotly. There are, of course, other thoughts he hides only slightly better, focused attention and careful concern.

Even now, it's as if he's not wearing finely tailored clothing but armor, prepared to enter battle at any moment. As always, his tan, muscular arms are bare except for the bright splash of color inked into his otherwise flawless skin. Blue on the right, red on the left, sharply contrasting and adding an exotic flare to the already commanding presence. My Warrior King through and through.

His gloved hand is before me now, palm upturned and patiently waiting. I slip my smaller hand into his gratefully. Guided to his side effortlessly, Van leans in just enough that I can feel his warmth and hear the low rumble of a whisper. "No need to fear. I am here with you."

The blush has returned from the promise of his protection and the flashes I see of the other ways we have expressed our affection these last few months. "I don't know if I can do this, Van." My voice is breathy, and I wish it didn't sound so scared.

"You can do this, Hitomi." His deep mahogany eyes are earnest and intense. I wish I had half the faith in myself as he seems to have in me. "You are far stronger than anyone I've ever met before. Just breathe."

I take a deep breath almost just to assure him, but letting it out slowly seems to help my nerves slightly. I have to remember not to let myself be overwhelmed. I can pick small things to focus on, and then the power won't burn wildly out of control. I've been practicing for the last two months, after all. I have found a few things that seem to work best: the pendant Van returned to me; the feather tattoo hidden beneath the folds of my dress that only my husband knows exist; the growing child I carry lovingly; lastly, the man by my side sharing his strength and calm.

"Okay." I nod slightly, feeling the delicate weight of the simple circlet on my brow shift minutely. "I'm ready."

Van leads me smoothly forward towards the moment I've been dreading. A steward is waiting to announce us. I know it's just us at this point, because it feels like all of Gaia is already mingling in the grand hall. Like everything else here in the Asturian palace, the room itself is just as richly decorated as the guests. Music swells beautifully, bouncing off the high arched ceilings, but I can't really hear it.

The moment we crest the top of the stairway, the room volume lowers dramatically, hushed in anticipation. I freeze, feeling the attention stabbing at me like hundreds of sharp, little arrows. Pausing only a step below me, Van gently squeezes my hand reassuringly.

I breathe in deeply, lift my head with what I hope appears to be confidence, and begin to walk again.

"Van Salzar de Fanel, King of Fanelia."

Focus on Van. The steady thump of his heart through our connected hands and souls. Broad shoulders and strong arm made to hold me. Wild raven hair starting to grow lower in the back once again, untamed yet still very handsome. I can't see his face, but I know that calm expression. He was born to be king and I belong at his side. We are better together than any romance story ever dreamed up, the very connection binding us strong enough to survive the bad times.

"Hitomi Kanzaki de Fanel, Queen of Fanelia."

The new title still feels strange, but I am grateful we asked Millearna to leave any nicknames from the war off of our introduction. Van doesn't want to be known as the _Pilot of the Escaflowne_ or the _White Dragon_ any more than I want to be the _Seer from the Mystic Moon_. It will always be part of who we are, but it doesn't define us. We won't let it.

I can feel the curiosity and questions, but the jealousy that creeps through the room is like a toxic thing. I'm sure it's natural for people to want what you have when you are raised so high. It's not just the women that would rather be at Van's side themselves; Van has plenty of that dark emotion aimed at him. I don't know everything he went through after the war, but this gives me some idea of the obstacles he had to overcome to become the man, the king, he is today.

We've made it to the bottom, and thankfully, Millearna is nearby. Van leads us to her group. A few of them I don't recognize but most I remember very fondly. They welcome me without jealously or judgement. Of course, the beautiful queen is center of attention. The others include her elder sister, Princess Eries. She is a quiet woman about my age with sad blue eyes and a soft smile. Celena, who still doesn't remember the ten years she was _missing,_ is also present. Unchanged by time, Dryden appears just as sure and confident as he did when first we met a lifetime ago. Though Allen still wears the uniform of a knight with the same flowing long hair, he seemed older with lines just beginning to crease around his cornflower blue eyes. The others present make polite introductions but melt into the crowd a short time later.

Van speaks with Allen as if they are equals, and I guess in his mind they always will be. Allen took up the mantle of mentor when Vargus died. Though the two didn't always see things the same way, their goals were similar enough that the bond that formed was one of mutual respect. I'm doing my best to smile and pay attention to the conversation flowing around me. I feel like I am doing an okay job even with everything circling around us like a whirlpool. It takes me a minute to register that a key member of our group is missing.

I wait for a slight lull in the conversation before commenting in what I hope is an offhanded way, "I'm surprised Merle isn't with you. I would think she'd be right in the center of everyone."

Millearna's laughter is light and tinkling like silver bells. "Oh, not without her Lord Van." She teases easily with an elegant shrug. "She's made a few friends of her own in the last few years, but now that you both have made an appearance, I'm sure she'll find us."

I hope she doesn't notice me stiffen at the mention of Merle's new friends, but she wouldn't be a skilled surgeon without keen eyes. Wisely, Millearna doesn't say anything more on the specific friend and why my new sister might prefer to spend time with my husband's ex-fiancé.

The Neko and I have grown close again in the last few months. I've trusted her enough to share the truth about what has happened to me, all of it. Only Van and she know everything. In this time, she has worked to build a mental shield between us. Now, I can't feel her without effort on my part or carelessness on hers. With all these swirling emotions and energy, I have no sense of Merle until she is right behind me.

"Finely decided to show up to your own party?" I nearly jump, but instead, my hand not gripping Van's flies to my chest in surprise. She snickers at my dramatic response and grins. "Why, Hitomi, did I scare you?"

Her falsely innocent tone makes me want to be childish right back. I want to roll my eyes or stick my tongue out as I would have done when I was fifteen, except now I'm the queen of a country and all eyes are watching. "Really, Merle, you should be more careful playing around like that. Someone might spill their drink on your pretty dress." The threat is there but cloaked. I feel like I've channeled a bit of Millearna's sass; the words don't even sound like me.

Before the Neko can retort, a strong wave of emotion crashes into me, but I can't pinpoint the direction. Jealousy, anger, suspicion, and hate roll through my core, making me feel ill. I can taste bile rise in the back of my throat and pray I don't puke here in front of everyone.

Van pulls me to his side, unnoticed by anyone but our group. They are the few people that understand more than rumors. "What is it, Hitomi?" His voice is low, and the hint of worry helps me pull away from the negative feelings and focus on my control. I still feel terrible but not quite so desperate.

"I think I'm going to be sick," I mumble, feeling cold sweat beading along my forehead and at the back of my bare neck. I know he wants to escort me, but as much as I long to stay by his side, it will only cause more attention. I can't handle that right now. "It's okay. Merle will walk with me to the gardens to get some air."

The pink-haired Neko is suddenly serious and at my side, understanding my need instantly. "Don't worry, Lord Van. I'll take care of Hitomi."

He wants to argue. Instead, he nods and reluctantly lets me go. I know what he wants to say. Quickly, I lean into his solid form and press a light kiss at the corner of his mouth. Before he can respond, I've turned and let Merle lead me away, the feeling of his supple lips a tingling memory.

We make it outside and she closes the wide, decorative doors behind us. Eventually, someone is bound to be curious enough to follow. Breathing the crisp night air in deeply, I taste salt carried by the canals this far into the city. I don't know what helps more, the fresh breeze or the barrier of walls between my mind and all the Gaian upper class inside.

Before Merle can ask, I take a few steadier steps into the garden. "I'm better now. Thank you."

"What was that?" She questions, though even I am not quite sure of the correct answer. "You seemed to be fine, then all of a sudden, you turned white as a sheet and started shaking. Come on, Hitomi. I know it was something big, so don't even try and lie to me."

By now, I've reached the first row of flowers. I take another deep breath, this time filled with the mingling scents of countless flowers I couldn't name. Without Van here, I direct the controlling of these raging powers into the tattoo in my mind. It's slower than just focusing on him, but it works. The way it curves against my hip, each delicate line forming the light and shadow, a pale imitation of Van's shining feather. It's still beautiful in its own way. I brush my fingers softly over the silky petals of a rose-like flower and feel more like myself.

"I think I was coping with all the emotions, questions, and memories floating around in the room." I speak softly, since this is meant for Merle's keen ears alone and I know she can hear me easily.

"So, what happened?" The worry in her voice isn't for her Lord Van or how silly I may make everybody look. Merle honestly cares about me. We generally interact more carefully with each other these days, but I am grateful to have her.

"It was sudden and focused like an attack. So much hate and suspicion, it was overwhelming." Just talking about it brings back the terrible sick feeling, but I can't run from this. "I don't know where it came from."

A thought comes to me then and I don't like it. There's no denying that one person in that room has every right to hate me that much. The Neko seems as if she is checking her own memory of events for a threat within her stronger senses.

"Merle, do you think it was your friend?" The moment the words are out of my mouth, she knows exactly what wasn't said out loud and is doing her best not to yell at me.

"Are you crazy?!" Clawed hands in the air, she takes a steadying breath before continuing calmer, but still angry. "I don't know how, but Eva doesn't hate you. She believes Lord Van and you were meant to be, and that politics shouldn't get in your way. You should know this isn't her first broken engagement."

That stops me. "What do you mean?" I didn't see her with anyone other than Van, but that was a different timeline. The future is constantly changing with each fickle human heart.

"She's the only candidate for that whole arranged marriage thing who's your age. For royals, that's pretty old here." She now walks over to the sweet smelling flowers by me and picks one. I know she feels guilty for saying any of this, like telling your best friend's secrets; it just feels wrong. "When she was younger, the year before the war actually, she was fourteen and engaged to the crown prince of Daedalus. I think there was more to it that she wouldn't say, but after the war, there was friction between their countries. The contract was broken pretty suddenly, and he married someone else. His new wife was always frail and passed away after having his son a year or two later."

Now I feel even guiltier than before. If I believed in luck, I would have to believe it was against this girl. What are the odds that she went through the same heartbreaking situation twice? She has to have feelings for both of the men involved and how they married other women so quickly after the engagements were broken. Political marriages are still crazy to me, but for a girl to be jilted twice, it has to begin to feel personal at some point. I wouldn't blame her for hating me.

"Are you sure it couldn't be her?" I'm a lot less sure now. Who else here could hate me that much?

"I'm positive." Merle responds instantly. "She's the youngest of three princesses like Millearna, but she is the only one still unmarried. If she held grudges, I doubt there would be anyone in this room she'd be able to stand being around. She doesn't take any of it personally. It's one of the reasons I like her so much."

I could hear the words my friend didn't say out loud clearly. S _pinsters like us need to stick together after all_.

A strong presence approaches the door but doesn't come out. I can feel the distrust and loathing flowing through clearly. I know this hate is what made me sick before, but I can't risk pointing any more fingers. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and reach out with my unique senses. I see behind me, through the space between the closed door. The woman on the other side is slight and pretty like a petite doll. Her flame colored hair is swept up elaborately. This isn't the sword fighting princess from Ceiserio, though her name is also one I heard in my vision where Van was being forced to select a bride.

"Emma?" A voice calls just over her shoulder, making her heart jump into her slender throat. She turns. Trying not to look guilty. She would have passed unnoticed if the other woman hadn't been so close already. "Why are you glaring at the door as if it has personally insulted you?"

"Eva, don't you have something better to do than stalk me?" The newcomer is tall enough that the slighter princess has to look up sharply to make eye contact, and the expression seems to fall short. She makes up for it with a biting tone. "You should just go play fight and chase off men like you've been doing for years. It seems to be working so well in your favor."

"Yes, that's exactly what I want, after all." The woman, whose long braided hair is similar in color to mine, grins easily, completely un-phased. "I'd rather be alone than marry a man who can't accept all of me, faults included."

The younger girl gasps, as if this is the most scandalous thing ever said to her. "You're crazy."

"I sure am." She smiles wider, and it lights up her eyes, transforming her face into a thing of pure beauty. I can see how she could have suited Van. "That's exactly why I'm looking for my friend, Merle, and not flirting with every male that moves in my direction."

"Strange, just like your choice in company. The Neko is in the garden with her new sister." Emma flushes slightly, and her mood turns sour again, dulling the first impression I had of her attractiveness. "I'm sure you remember the latest woman to steal your betrothed. The queen of Fanelia looks pretty sickly, just like the last delicate upstart. Rather than you, the men you become engaged to seem to prefer weak women."

Eva's hazel eyes turn stormy, and I know it's not the personal comments that have her ready to do battle. "What did she do to offend you? Did she make her grand entrance in the middle of your piano forte? For such a pretty girl, you're rather ugly when you've been upstaged."

Her questions hit the mark dead center like a skilled archer's aim. I come back to myself swiftly enough to lose my balance, but thankfully, Merle is by my side.

"What did you see?" She asks, steadying me effortlessly.

"That you were right." I sigh, feeling better. "It was a red-haired princess who I offended by my bad timing."

"Ah, Emma of Edizardia." She nods, putting the pieces together far swifter than I could. "Sounds about right. She's always got to be the center of attention. It also can't help that, in her opinion, the new queen is a big nobody from nowhere. Not only did you upstage her, but you've got the gall to steal a king without any royal blood of your own."

Her summary hurts, but that doesn't make it any less true. I knew before coming here that some of these people would see me as a pretender, a peasant that thought to rise too high, too fast. Honestly, I don't care if I'm ever _one of them_. All that matters is that I'm Van's family now.

"I think it's time I met your friend." My words brighten Merle's bright blue eyes, and I can't help smile in return. "She defended me against the other princess, and I haven't given her a reason to."

We return to the ballroom together, and I'm feeling much better. The waves of hate have receded, and most of what remains seeping through the large room is curiosity. That I can handle.

Van comes into sight, and he's talking animatedly with a fair-haired man only a few years older than us. The stranger is good looking in a classic way. The newcomer wears his hair just slightly longer on top and neatly combed back. Added with the well-groomed mustache he sports, he feels familiar, although I've never seen him before in my life, even in visions.

I place my hand softly on Van's forearm, letting him know I've returned without interrupting their conversation. It has something to do with the last of the bandit problem that has finally been cleared from their shared border. I can feel Van's relief, which has little to do with the handsome blond man and everything to do with my return. He turns to me slightly, and I feel stronger by the second.

"Caine, I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Hitomi." He smiles warmly at me, and I know our relationship with this man is important. "Hitomi, Caine is the King of Daedalus." I don't really hear the rest of the introductions as the sovereign of the country directly to the north of us bows over my hand like a gentleman. No flirtation, just well executed manners. It hits me forcefully how I recognize him. In the future where Van had married for politics, he wore his hair in the same exact way down to the facial hair. This is the man Eva was supposed to marry, the one she still loves.

Van in that timeline grew to reflect her preferences, and in this path we walk together, he has again changed but not for my sake. This time we will get the chance to grow together.

"Are you feeling better now?" Van asks. I realize it is just the two of us for a moment. Merle has run off on her mission and the blond king has left to circulate.

"Much better." I smile and tuck my hand into his elbow, pressing closer to his lean side without scandalizing the crowd observing us from a distance. "I just needed some fresh air."

"Was that all?" He gives me that lopsided smile I love so much, and I can't wait for this expensive waste of time to end and for the night to really start.

I don't get a chance to share my not so clean thoughts as Merle chooses this moment to return. Her timing has always been stellar in that regard. She isn't alone as promised.

It's the woman who spoke up for the stranger who stole her future. I've seen her four times now, but this in the first experience truly face to face. Nothing has changed with her appearance, except there is a pale flower tucked into her honey blond hair, the one Merle picked while telling me about her past. The expression she wears is friendly and unassuming. There isn't any malice in this woman, but in another lifetime, she would have fought me for Van. Now, I can see she feels no pain at seeing us together. On the other hand, even if he had been happy with her, it would have still caused me agony. It wouldn't have been jealousy, but that I wasn't the one to share those moments with him.

I guess that's one difference between loving someone and being in love with them. True love causes just as much pain as joy, but I wouldn't trade these feelings for anything in either world.

We all chat pleasantly for a while, mostly the princess and Merle. She does try to convince Van to participate in the next sword fighting tournament. Most people have only heard stories of his ability; few can say they have seen him truly in action. He politely declines. I know it's a skill he's worked hard to grow and maintain, but it has never been a game to him, not for any titles, prizes, or accolades. It is a means of protection and defense; when his sword is drawn, the intent is clear and nothing else exists.

I can't help but compliment her on the flower she wears, though Merle gives me a strange look. Surprised, as if she forgot it was there, the princess quickly removes the fragrant bloom and holds it out to me.

"It's not much, but I think it would be far lovelier on you." She smiles openly, but I see something else in her expressive hazel eyes. Eva is expecting me to reject the simple gift. Somehow, she knows her presence still makes me slightly uncomfortable but not why.

"How kind. Thank you." With a small return smile, I gently take the blossom, and for the briefest moment our fingers connect. I am not overwhelmed by the vision, but I can see the new event playing over what is happening right now. I play it off as best as I can. Thankfully, Van recognizes the unfocused look in my eyes and takes control of the conversation smoothly.

This way I am free to pay more attention to what I am supposed to see. Eva is positively glowing, her eyes moist with unshed tears of joy. In her arms is a small, cooing child opening sapphire blue eyes. Eyes inherited from the father, King Caine of Daedalus. The blond man kisses his wife's forehead tenderly, and with great love, he delicately strokes the feather soft hair of his newborn daughter.

The vision clears and I know deep down what is meant to be. It's how things should have been from the start, but somewhere along the way they turned messy. Those two were destined to be together even if politics tore them apart originally. Now only pride has kept them separate. As quickly as the pieces fit together, an idea forms in my head.

Merle and Eva excuse themselves to make another round of the room. It's then that I spot the King of Daedalus passing near us. I try not to be too obvious, but time is not on my side. The moment could be over and lost far too quickly. Tripping the princess is a lot harder than it sounds.

She stumbles, surprised, and collides with another before losing her balance entirely. The man she bumped into catches her by instinct, steading the startled woman against his solid chest. It's as if the world stops spinning and only Eva and Caine matter. I can see the connection take hold.

Blushing prettily, the princess thanks him for saving her from embarrassment, but he still hasn't regained control of his racing heart.

I try not to smile too widely as I turn back to Van. "What was that all about?" He asks, confused as to why I would trip his ex-fiancé in public.

"Just setting things right." I pat his arm, almost as you would a child that doesn't understand grown up things. "You'll see one day."

He will, of course. The relationship between our two countries will grow as our children laugh and play together. The young crown prince of Fanelia chasing through the gardens after bouncing golden curls belonging to the cheerful princess of Daedalus. The years passing and their feelings growing with each visit and event. There won't be a need for talks of arranged marriages as my son will tell us exactly who he wants. Soulmates, such a rare thing, must run in the Fanel line. First, Goau falling in love with the beautiful Varie at first sight. Now, Van and I walking the same path in understanding and affection. One day years from now, we will see it happen for our son and the daughter of our closest neighboring kingdom, the next great love story.

As the fairy tales say, we all lived happily ever after.

 **The End!**

 **A/N- I hope you liked it! This story was pretty fun to write, and we got to see some old friends and even a few new ones. I had this image of a teenage boy that looked like Van but with Htiomi's hair color, wings spread around a pretty blue eyed girl with tight golden ringlets. Her name is supposed to be Nora like my daughter who she is made after. The real child is full of energy, determination, and unbridled enthusiasm. Older children often end up chasing after her, and I find the young princess would be the same way. She magnetizes people and draws them into her orbit effortlessly. As a partner for an empath like Folken it seemed like a perfect fit.**

 **When Merle was talking about Eva's past she mentioned it was a crown prince who broke the engagement, but when we meet him he is a King. It is years later after all and he could have taken the thrown easily within that time period. As a widower with a young son, falling in love with the unmarried princess of another country would have been perfect for both of them. As I've said before I love details, but I have learned from my past mistakes and though I have a full life planned for these extras they don't need to be in the story. I didn't want to draw away from Van and Hitomi's story after all. As things go we will most likely see more of what happened in the edges of Vans story Surface Tension.**

 **Shameless plug, but if you enjoyed my writing so far please check out the prequel which has the first chapter posted.**

 **Lastly I wanted to thank everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited, followed, and supported this story as it grew and changed. Thank you so very much.**

 **My amazing repeat reviewers! In order of appearance: La Beckinator, pinkdynamite, picimadar, Miniclio, bluetreeleaves, dinkycharlie, Mageblood, Meghanna Starsong, Varya19, cesi1, witchfingers, zephakitara, Guest, Stephanie, and Lulu.**

 **As always a special thank you to Meghanna Starsong for improving the quality of my writing and entertaining my crazy overfilled mind.**


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